Staying in the Present

"Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I've given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan 15 Devotion

If you're like me, you constantly worry. You worry what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that. But maybe you've learned as well that worry does nothing but steals precious time from your life. Maybe you've learned that God holds your life in His precious hands so you have nothing to worry about.

Part of my anxiety comes from my mental illnesses. The relentless anxiety is part of my PTSD and paranoia. I worry what people think of me or what they are saying about me.

But over the years, I have learned to stay in the present and not let my anxiety and worries get the best of me. I try to not let them rule over my life, because they should not. I want to live in the present. I want to trust God with my whole being and move forward.

And each day, it gets easier. My paranoia is becoming easier to deal with. My worries and anxieties don't stop me from enjoying my life. I am living in the moment and enjoying life as it comes.

Paranoid Dream

"Someone said something unkind about me...Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go...Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 7 devotion

I came across this devotion this morning, even though it was yesterday's devotion. It was as if this was written for me this morning...

You see, I had another nightmare last night. I've been having them every night, sometimes multiple each night. I don't know if it is my medications or what, but I wish they would stop.

In this nightmare, I had gotten a gift card to Sears and so I went to the store after school. I had been planning to go there before meeting up with friends to work on a school project. I was in the process of looking at shirts when my friends arrived. Anyways, someone stole my backpack.... One of my friends did. And there was some private stuff in my backpack. They were tossing it to each other and they wouldn't give it back. They all laughed at me... People who I have known for years and years, real people in my life were laughing hysterically at me. I screamed at them to stop. I told them it wasn't funny. I tried to get the sales associates at Sears to help me, but they just joined in with the laughter. I was at a loss...

When I woke up from this nightmare, it was a huge relief. My mom actually woke me up as she got ready for work. Their laughter stuck with me. I don't usually remember my nightmares in such vivid detail; usually they fade away and are forgotten, but this one reached into my heart and tore it up. People who I have cared about in real life were making fun of me. It was as if my paranoia has crept into my nightmares.

Part of my paranoia is that people are laughing at me or making fun of me. I told my therapist the other day that when I go to the lake, my home away from home, the place where I feel peace and calm, sometimes I'm so paranoid that when I see a group of people laughing, I believe their laughter is aimed at me. I constantly think people are making fun of me and I want it to stop.

That's just part of being paranoid. It creeps in to every aspect of my life, even my nightmares.

Either way, I don't want to sleep tonight....

I know I have to let it go and let God take care of me, but this is getting unbelievably difficult. My nightmare last night hurt very deeply. I know it wasn't real, but it cut deep into my soul. I just want my nightmares to stop...

Hold Onto Faith

"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, and then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe. He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. That is when faith wins its crown."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 4 Devotion

"I began to believe my life could amount to more than a string of painful days to be survived...I came to see that, with the help of my Higher Power, I could handle anything that came to pass and even grow as I did so."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 4 Devotion

For most of my life, I have felt like my life is just a string of horrible events. But I am coming to realize that there is more to the horrible things that have happened in my life... My life is more than the abuse, loss, homelessness, neglect and mental illnesses I have survived.

God can use even the most difficult things in our lives to show His grace and mercy.

I can tell you that from experience.

I've been dealing with minor paranoia for the past few days, the same paranoia that I dealt with for the past few months. It was gone for a few weeks, but it's back. I don't know if it's stress or what, but it is difficult to deal with. I believe people are talking about me. Even my nightmares are back with a vengeance.

I do not know why I am continually being tested but I will keep moving forward. I have therapy today, which I am really excited about because it is a huge step forward. Therapy is somewhere where I am allowed to talk about everything... Let it all out and move forward.

In many ways, I wish the paranoia would end, but I know that it is all part of God's plan. I don't know why but it is. And I will hold on to the promise of God that I will get through this. And the fact that I can handle anything that comes to pass in my lifetime.

I will hold on to my faith...

Meeting God

Have you ever had a place where you "met God?" A place where you felt a peace and calm which surpassed all understanding? A place where you felt God in a whole new way?

I have.

And that place is a lake on campus.

I walked by this lake for the first time last semetser when I was on my way to the Counseling Center during a crisis. It was quite possibly my worst point last semester but when I walked by the lake, a peace washed over me.  Its beauty overwhelmed me. I was thinking about this when I visited the lake on the 6-month anniversary of being out of the hospital a few days ago.

Many people know that last semester, I dealt with severe paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia. The lake was where I met God through all of those challenges. God spoke to me on a whole new level when I went to the lake. He spoke to me through the animals, the sunsets and the sunrises. I spent most of my time at the lake. It is not an overstatement to say that the lake was one of the major reasons I got through last semester.

One of my favorite points at the lake was during one of my lowest points. I had just gotten off of the phone with my mom and it was not a good conversation. At that point, I was trying to stay out of the hospital. So I went to the lake. I was met by a white bird and as soon as I saw it, my anxiety was washed away and I felt at peace.

God used the white birds to get me through the most difficult times. Often, when I went to the lake, one or two of them would come up to me and just be there with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that they represent the Holy Spirit. I get so excited when I see white birds and to this day, I still feel a sense of calm when I see them.

God can use anything to get us through our difficult times on this earth and for me, He used the lake and the gators, the white birds, the yellow butterflies, and the turtles. He used the sunsets and the sunrises to remind me of how powerful and majestic He is.

Here are some photos of the lake that I took when I was there a few days ago...

What a Catastrophe!

As I sat in the dentist's chair with the bright light shining down into my eyes yesterday, my anxiety coursed through my veins. But I went. My paranoia was a bit worse yesterday after my appointment, but the outcome of my appointment was better than I thought it would be. 

Sometimes we need to face our worst fears in order to move forward. I was so scared about going that I thought of the worst case scenario. I dreamed and thought the worst case scenario for days and then when it came time for the appointment, it went better than expected and I was relieved.

I am a worst-case scenario type of thinker. I tend to imagine the worst case scenarios of everything I encounter. My anxiety is almost always on alert.

I am a catastrophizer, I admit it.

A couple weeks ago, I had an exam and afterwards, I thought I failed it. This turned into "I think I'm going to have to drop this class and stay another semester just for one class. Then my financial aid won't go through. Then I will become homeless because I won't have any place to stay. Then I'll just be..." You get the picture.... The rabbit trail of worst cases.

Anyways, I passed the exam and got 9 points above the average. Needless to say, I was very happy and am still excited.

But I don't think that catastrophizing and "worst-case-scenario-izing" is how God wants us to live. I think God wants us to live thinking about the best case scenarios. He doesn't want our anxiety and stress to always be high. He wants us to trust Him that everything will work out and that we have nothing to worry about.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

Birthplace of Joy

I really wanted to share a video that I came across a few days ago. I've now watched it twice and I can't even begin to tell you how powerful it is. Please consider taking 20 minutes out of your day to watch it. It is the best 20 minutes I've spent in awhile.

Brene Brown speaks about vulnerability. She is a qualitative researcher in the field of Social Work interested in "expanding perception."

First she breaks down that connection is "why we are here. It's what gives us purpose and meaning."

Then she talked about shame. She said that it is ultimately the fear of connecting with others. I thought this was an interesting point because I often feel afraid to connect with others, due to my paranoia and other issues. I am afraid of what others will think of me. I still carry a lot of shame around with me because of my past. I've blogged a lot about it and allowed people in, but I still feel a lot of shame.

One of the most interesting points she made was that shame also occurs when there are issues with our belief in our worthiness. I think that moving forward, that's something I need to work on, because often, I don't feel like I'm worthy of love and good things. I often feel like I don't deserve good things happening since I've mostly lived in difficult circumstances. 

Maybe that's why I haven't moved forward completely.

I want to end with another quote that she said in the video. She said that shame and vulnerability can be the "birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love." This quote really spoke to me because I often feel like they are bad things, but she pointed out that they can be good, if we channel the energy towards the positive and work hard to realize that we are worthy.

SAP

Last night was the first night in four nights that I didn't have a nightmare. Progress.

Nightmares and flashbacks tend to increase my anxiety, which worsens my schizophrenia and bipolar. You see, I have something I'll call SAP, or selective attention paranoia. I don't believe that's actually a technical term but it best describes what happens.

A few days ago, when my anxiety and paranoia were very bad, I went to talk to an on call therapist. in order to divert a hospitalization. My anxiety was skyrocketing and I knew that if I didn't talk to someone, I'd be headed straight to the hospital.

When I was in therapy, the counselor said something that explains my SAP very well. 

Have you ever played the game Punch Buggy? If you haven't, I'll quickly explain the game. 

When you are driving or riding in a car, you look for buggies and if you see one, you punch someone next to you and say "punch buggy no take back." The first person to punch someone wins.

Anyways, the therapist explained that because of my hypervigilance, I am more aware of certain things that most people are not aware of (heightened awareness), just like when your attention is on something, like a buggy, you become more aware of it. All of a sudden, you notice more buggies than you did when your attention was not on them. Same thing with my paranoia. My attention is heightened towards certain things that trigger my PTSD and paranoia.

I hear people whispering behind my back while walking to class. 

I think it's about me.

I hear people coughing behind me or around me. 

I think it's about me. 

Someone follows me for a long time as I walk to class. 

I think they're following me.

Normal everyday things become abnormal.

So how do I work through this? How do I learn to get rid of or lessen the selective attention paranoia?

Well it's not easy but it's doable. Every time I think that something is about me, I tell myself "It's not about me and it means nothing." It actually helps a lot. I just repeat it until my paranoia goes away. The first part reminds me that everything that's happening is not about me (people are just living their daily lives) and the second part reminds me that what others are doing really has no meaning- i.e. they're just coughing, not doing it towards me- it's not aimed at me in any way.

SAP is frustrating, because I don't want to believe that people are after me or spreading rumors about me. I just want to be normal and lead a normal life. Yet my brain is wired in such a way that I pay attention to the little things, the details and add some hidden meaning to it.

Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.

Overwhelming Flood

Today is a great day.

Why, you ask?

Well today marks four months since my last hospitalization. That’s a third of the year! One of my main goals with dealing with my mental illnesses is to stay out of the hospital. It has not been easy, especially with my paranoia and psychosis acting up.

But I did it!

Today has also been challenging. I woke up and realized that I ran out of lithium. I have a refill at one pharmacy, but that pharmacy is closed today. I have been on the phone with a doctor for a bit trying to get them to call in the refill to another pharmacy that's open. I NEED my medication.

Good grief!

I believe I am moving forward in a positive direction. Staying out of the hospital takes sheer determination.

And therapy.

“In therapy, before we could begin to deal with the lasting neuropsychological effects of the trauma [my patient] endured, we needed to address her mind’s subsequent conversion of an ordinary truck driver into a shadowy figure who was scheming and evil.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

One of the things I addressed in my last blog post is the belief that people are generally good.

Paranoia blocks that belief. It questions it to the core.

The negative thoughts just come. They permeate my mind like an overwhelming flood.

When I’m paranoid, I think everybody is out to get me. I think that nobody cares about me. I believe I'm the worst person on earth.

I think part of it is that I struggle with trust issues due to my past. When I told someone about some of the abuse I endured, they said to me, “I hope you can come to realize that most people you meet in life will treat you better than that.”

That’s difficult for me to believe sometimes.

I want to believe it with all of my heart, soul and mind.

But I was abused and mistreated by the people who should have cared about me the most. They should have protected me, but they didn’t.

It’s really hard to fully trust someone.

Nearly impossible.

I always have my suspicions about people. 

Maybe they’re only caring about me because they want something. 

Maybe they’re only caring because it’s part of their job. 

Maybe I really am worthless and only deserve to be used.

That’s often my train of thought. And I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could see that I am worth it.

I want to believe it.

But when you’re mistreated for many years, it starts to get to you and you stop believing that people have your best interests at heart. I wish people understood that I want to trust them, but it’s just not that easy.

I want to trust.

I really do.

It takes all of me to trust.

But I'm willing to do anything to get rid of these trust issues.

Conscience

“Conscience is a compelling feeling of obligation that is always based in our proclivity to bond with others, our (nearly) universal ability to love. Once we understand the true nature of conscience, we can appreciate that it is precisely our capacity to form emotional attachments that gives rise to moral character.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

Reading this quote, I find it interesting that one of the first things that is affected by my paranoia is my conscience. The voices that I hear when I’m psychotic tell me I’m an awful person,  that I don’t deserve to live, etc. It doesn't help that the voices I hear are those of people I've known.

It’s like my conscience is on overdrive.

In one of my hospitalizations, I walked around to all the other patients and told them I was sorry for hurting them. I remember one woman telling me, "But you helped me."

After awhile, I tend to believe the voices though. Maybe I am a bad person.

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking on the phone and she kept reminding me that I’m a good person. She also reminded me that others are generally good people, and they would not be spreading rumors or trying to make my paranoia worse.

I genuinely care about others. I believe we are put on this earth to help others along our path.

It bothers me that people are homeless when there are so many vacant homes. It bothers me that I have enough food to eat when others are starving. It bothers me that I have shoes to wear and others are walking around without shoes. It bothers me that I am free and there are millions of slaves around the world.

I want to do something to help. That’s why I’ve walked nearly 600 miles this summer for different charities. That's why I donated my hair to cancer patients. That's why I've donated blood four times this year and I'm going to try again tomorrow.

I want to be the change I wish to see. I want to make a real difference.

I want to spread love.

I may have gone through a lot of obstacles in my life, but I am very fortunate. I want to help others because I feel so blessed. A pastor said to me when I was younger, “You’re going to be a lover of people.”

I want to testify to the love that we can find in God, the love that I’ve found in Him. The love that carries me through difficult times. The love that knows no bounds. Endless love. The love that gives life meaning.

Journey Through Trauma

I’m sitting here reading a book about paranoia and terrorism. I wanted to share a quote from the book that really struck me.

“At this point [after 9/11], for many Americans, a fire alarm in a public place… can access “stuck” memories established in a time of great fear, in a way similar to what the backfiring of a car, or holiday fireworks… can do to the brain of a shell-shocked veteran…We feel and behave in ways that are somewhat more anxious and suspicious than our usual reactions… To varying degrees, the emotional systems of our brains were overwhelmed, and our minds became more cluttered than we knew with unprocessed fragments of emotion, image and fear-laden sensation. These chaotic shards of memory soon started to be triggered , and to ambush us at unpredictable times, altering our feelings, our moods, and our behaviors.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This is one of the best explanations of flashbacks that I have come across.

I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks since I was 13 years old, possibly earlier. I bought this book because I thought it might be interesting to learn more about paranoia, since I’ve been dealing with it for a few months.

Traumatic experiences alter our behaviors. They cause us to become anxious. My experiences have caused me to be paranoid.

When I was abused for 7 years, I was overwhelmed with fear and terror. That’s why I have 10-20 flashbacks a day.

Martha Stout talked earlier in the book about the fact that people have flashbacks because of unprocessed memories. I think that’s why I’m still dealing with complex PTSD. Many years later, I still haven’t been able to fully process my memories of the abuse. It's too confusing. Broken pieces.

I often wish my paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks and nightmares would just go away. Just like that. A wave of a wand and woosh! Everything goes away.

But life is not that easy.

It’s a journey.

And journeys mean that we have some ups and downs. All stories have to have conflict, or else it’s not a story. And some of us have more conflict than others. That’s just life.

No matter how much conflict you encounter in your life, you can always have hope because we have a God who loves us very deeply.

When I was abused for many years, I often thought that God was not listening to my prayers. I often felt desperate and unheard.  But God listens. My pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago something that really helped me. She said “God journeys with us in the seeming answered and seeming unanswered prayers.”

No matter what, we are not on this journey alone.

Questioning Paranoia

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for my monthly check-up and I asked if I could increase the dose of antipsychotic again, since I'm still having mild paranoia. They said no because there are too many side effects, including weight gain. They said if I'm at the point where I notice my paranoia and can try to control it, then I don't need to increase the dose.

I tend to have a lot of side effects to medications. That's one of the reasons they've tried about 15 medications on me. The ones I'm on now cause me to have acne, gain weight, and have bad memory.

Sometimes I do miss being manic because I have much better memory. I'm much more awake. I think more clearly.

But the medications are necessary and I know I just have to deal with the side effects. I'd much rather deal with the side effects than go through the turmoil and wrath of my schizoaffective disorder. At least my medications keep me stable.

I can't believe that I've held my job for 2 months already. When I first started, I was honestly petrified because it was a new job and I didn't know how I would deal with the stress of a new job. I didn't know if I'd be in and out of the hospital more. I didn't know how I'd deal with the paranoia while working.

It takes a TON of mental effort for me to question my paranoid thoughts, to battle the psychosis and paranoia that  accompany my schizophrenia. When I see people doing things that make me uncomfortable or bring on the paranoia, I have to say to myself over and over again, "It's not about me... They're not spreading rumors." I just repeat it to myself over and over. I do this for most of my waking hours.

Sometimes I want to give up and curl up in my bed and not do anything but avoid people.

But I don't.

I am reminded of how far I've come. I haven't been in the hospital in four months, despite being mentally ill. I'm getting ready for my last semester of graduate school and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm moving forward every single day.

Climbing Out of a Pit

By now, most of you know that I have recently been struggling with paranoia due to my schizoaffective disorder. I've been thinking people are spreading rumors about me, plotting to do something to me, etc.

But in the past few days, it's been better... Slowly, I am gaining control over my paranoia and moving forward.

The week before last, I didn't even want to leave my apartment but lately I've been outside, talking to people, and going for walks. Yesterday, I went to the lake on campus.

Here's a video I shot of the lake. This video doesn't really do enough justice to how truly beautiful this lake is, because this place is my heaven away from heaven.

I went to a pond near my home as well and saw this beautiful white bird. It let me come right up to it, about 2 feet away, which never happens.

Why are all of the things I'm doing like getting out of the house and going to the lake important?

Because it's my time with God. It's getting me out of the paranoia. God talks to me through birds, the sun, the trees, the beauty of His creation. He lets me know that He is there and that I can talk to Him anytime, especially when others are not available. He lets me know I am loved and He relieves my paranoia.

Getting out of a paranoid state is not an easy thing to do, but each day, I feel better. God is healing me and helping me through everything.

I feel as if I am climbing out of a pit and each step, I get closer to the light.

As I am writing this, I was reminded of a bird I saw this morning. It was a baby bird and it was on the ground trying to fly. It opened its wings but it couldn't fly.

In the same way, sometimes there are things that hold us back because we're afraid or we don't think we can do it. And watching the bird struggle reminded me that it's okay to struggle, but we must never give up. There will be times when we want to, but we must keep moving forward.

Innate Goodness

"Paranoia is...based on the feeling or perception that the world in general, and others in particular, are against me or us. Reality is perceived as hostile."
-Sam Keen

I came across this quote in the new book I am reading about paranoia and terrorism. I think it explains paranoia very well.

Paranoia is one of the most negative things I have ever experienced during my life, other than the abuse I endured for 7 years. When I am extremely paranoid, I cannot trust anyone. I think everybody, even the people trying to help, are after me. In one of my hospital visits, I thought the doctors were going to put me in a straitjacket and throw me in a lake full of alligators. I could not function at all. For most of that visit, I was curled up in a ball hearing voices telling me what the doctors were going to do.

Paranoia is absolutely terrifying. When I am fully paranoid, I think that nobody cares about me and that everybody hates me. It's not that I want to think those things. My logic says that's not true. But paranoia is illogical... It's that when I'm paranoid, those are the thoughts that come into my mind. I cannot really control it. It's nearly impossible to stop those thoughts without medication. The medications have gotten me to the point that I question my paranoid thoughts.

One of the things I have really come across lately is the innate goodness in people. My mom keeps reminding me of my innate goodness and that of others. 

A few days ago, I was at Krispy Kreme to get breakfast on the morning of my move and the man in front of me let me go before him (I don't know why) and the lady in front of him paid for my breakfast. 

One of my best friends in Gainesville helped me move in really hot weather. She has been an incredible blessing to me. Not only did she help me completely move but she also lent me an air mattress. 

I've also met a bunch of people in the past few days at my new apartment and they have all graciously welcomed me.

At the end of the day, I think that people are innately good and that they are not after me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point because it's not what I grew up in. I grew up in abuse and neglect. Healing is a process and takes time.

But slowly and surely, I am moving forward, out of my paranoia.

And it feels great...

God is ever faithful on my journey of mental illness. No matter what comes our way, He is for us.

Hypersensitivity and Hypervigilance

It’s Friday! It’s the most exciting day for most people who work and I am right there along with them. This week has been very tiring but I successfully made it through another week at work.

Paranoia is one of the most frustrating things I have been through. I am honestly frustrated when people say I’m hallucinating things that I see. I get frustrated because I see those things and yet nobody seems to understand my frustration. My therapist told me for about twenty minutes yesterday that what I am seeing is not aimed at me. She repeatedly told me that it’s not about me, there are no rumors, etc. My perceptions are off and I’m hypervigilant.

I guess the greatest explanation I’ve come across regarding my paranoia is that others are doing what I see, but I’m just hypersensitive to it and it makes me paranoid. I think that makes the most sense.

I just can’t even explain my frustration when people say I’m hallucinating what I see. To me, it’s reality and I don’t understand how what I see is not actually happening.

How would you like people constantly questioning your reality?

But another part of me understands what they’re saying because I know I’ve had auditory and visual hallucinations.

It’s very confusing.

Fortunately, my medications have worked to the point that I see what’s happening (at least, I think I do), but it doesn’t really make me paranoid. The medications calm me down so I’ve not on overdrive and hyperly hypersensitive (yes, that’s a word).

Despite the paranoia, I move forward each day and that’s all I can ask for.

Making It Through

Tonight, I am writing this as I sit on an air mattress lent to me by a great friend of mine.

After work today, I had therapy. We talked about some of the paranoia and hypervigilance I’ve been having. She said again that nobody’s after me, nobody’s spreading rumors, etc. I’m still in the process of understanding my paranoia and hypervigilance. It's hard to see that what I am experiencing and seeing is not really happening. The line between reality and fantasy is blurred. Except this fantasy is terrifying. I think having mixed PTSD and schizoaffective disorder can get pretty complicated.

Making the move to another apartment was also terrifying for me and I think my anxiety was up partly because of that, but I’m settled in and very excited about my new apartment. My anxiety and stress has gone down a lot.

Everyday I count my blessings no matter how hard life gets. I have a home. I can talk. I can eat on my own. I can see. I can hear. I have enough money for food. Despite having multiple mental illnesses, I’ve held a part time job for almost two months. I financially supported myself for an entire year. I lived in my old apartment alone despite five hospitalizations. My mom reminded me today that I even passed all of my classes with flying colors despite missing nearly half the semester.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been very scared about next semester, especially with all of my paranoia. I don't know if it will get worse with more people on campus.

I know that I will make it through.

No matter what comes my way, I have hope.

Questioning Reality

My Facebook status from this morning was:

On my way to work even though I want to curl up in a ball and not leave my apartment. This life demands too much courage.

This pretty much sums up my life right now.

I walk around with my head down to avoid seeing others. Somehow, I still managed to see someone stick out their tongue at me earlier. This is why I wish I could stay in my apartment all day every day.

People say I'm paranoid. I don't know if I am. What if people really are spreading something about me? I don't remember doing anything to anybody, so I don't know why they would. But you never know.

Dealing with schizophrenia is an interesting battle because I constantly have to question what I perceive as reality. My perceptions are off and my reality is skewed.

Is this really happening or is my brain teasing me?

If you've ever seen A Beautiful Mind, that is what I feel as if I am going through now. I've had visual and auditory hallucinations so I am constantly questioning my reality. It really causes a lot of confusion. It makes life difficult and terrifying at times.

I just want it all to go away. Please.

Battling Paranoia

Today, other than going to donate blood this morning, I stayed in my apartment. I read and took a nap.

Why?

Because I'm currently terrified of people. Everywhere I go, people lick their lips and it triggers my PTSD and paranoia. They lick their lips or stick out their tongue and they do it while looking at me, so I assume that it's towards me. People everywhere. Old and young.

My therapist says that it's not aimed towards me. She says that whenever I see it, just to say "It's not about me."

But this is a very hard battle for me.

It's not funny. It is very serious and it makes my mental illness worse.

All I want to do is avoid people at this point. I think that people are talking about me behind my back, spreading rumors. I don't even like to go for walks anymore because I don't want to see anyone. When I go on the buses, I sit in the back corner to avoid all confrontation.

On this blog, I wanted to document my mental illness and right now, I am afraid of it getting worse. I am afraid of the medications not working. I am afraid of people.

I just want to get through this.

Carrying On

Lord, I feel trapped now. I do not know who to trust because it feels like everybody who has said they care or would be there was not there for me. I feel like I have nobody here and it is extremely frightening...It's like people take one look at me and want to hurt me. Help me to change this...

I wrote these words a few months ago probably in the deepest pit I had ever been before. It was the onset of my physical symptoms (stuttering and spasms) and I also was paranoid. Not yet psychotic, I think. I didn't trust anyone. I was terrified.

"A pit is an abyss so deep the dweller within it feels like the living dead."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

I've had moments like that a lot lately...points where I feel completely overwhelmed by negative things in my life. Today and the past few days, I've been feeling a bit paranoid. Not sky high paranoid, but nonetheless paranoid. I think people are doing things toward me and I'm not sure if somebody's spreading rumors about me or I'm just paranoid. I haven't done anything to hurt anyone and my mother says there's no way people could be mad at me.

A few pages after the quote above in my journal, oddly enough there is another very related quote...

"A pit is so poorly lit we can no longer see things that may have once been obvious to us. That's another reason we often stay in a pit. Without windows we're convinced we have nowhere else to go."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

Can you relate to that?

I know I can.

Pits are so overwhelming that you lose yourself in them. You often forget that God has bigger and better plans for your life, because all you see around you is darkness.

But there is hope.

No matter how dark things get, never lose hope. God has mighty plans for each of us, no matter what darkness comes into our lives. He has plans that you and I couldn't even dream up.

So that's why I carry on and keep moving forward in hope...

An Intriguing Puzzle

"The content of the voices and visions constitutes a hazardous nuisance to someone like me to so likes to figure out puzzles."
-Mark Vonnegut, Just Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So

I still remember my time in the hospital in a catatonic state like it was yesterday. For most of that time, I was in my bed curled up in a ball, hearing voices. To say I was terrified is a grave understatement.

The first time I became "crazy" was when the unreal became blurred with the real. It's weird when people say what you are experiencing is not actually happening. It's downright confusing.

I battle every day to know what's real and what's not. I continually search for the truth in my experiences.

Are people after me? Am I in trouble with the FBI?

The voices are not just voices. When I was catatonic, they scared me to the point of not talking for 3 days. I thought they were reading my mind. They tormented me. They taunted me. They blamed me. I did not talk for 3 days, yet I talked to the voices for those 3 days in my head. I had conversations with them, just like I talk to people on the phone. The voices were so real, because they were voices of people I've known.

Psychosis is very interesting in a lot of ways- how the mind can create such realistic hallucinations that are not real yet everything pieces together so nicely. As someone who has studied the brain, my mental illnesses are very intriguing to me at times.