Free to Move Forward

"Having chosen not to be a victim crippled by childhood trauma, I felt free- as if heavy chains had been removed from my legs. I was free to move wherever the river of life might take me."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Today is the day I get my cap and gown for my Masters graduation. It is crazy to think how far I've come in the past year. Tomorrow marks 8 months without a hospitalization, something I honestly thought would never happen. Four more months to a year.

I came across the above quote this morning and had to write about it because I feel in a big way that I am moving forward in a very positive direction. I found a possible job at NYU a few days ago and am really excited about applying. There are a few other places I am looking.

I am thankful beyond measure to everyone who has helped me get this far, with their prayers, encouragement, and unending support. It is because of you that I am graduating.

I like this quote because it is a reminder that I am not a victim of childhood trauma, but instead a survivor and I walk forward into the life God has called me as a strong survivor. There is much power in recognizing this. There is freedom.

And yes, as I move forward, I feel free.

Deliverance

"Whatever your story, however you managed to survive, whatever has been done to you, or by you, he has delivered, he will deliver, and he will continue to deliver."
-On the Threshold of Hope, Diane Langberg

I couldn't think of what to write about so I looked through some quotes I had written from books I have read and this quote spoke to me this morning.

Sometimes it's hard when we are going through difficulties to remember that God loves us and that He wants to deliver us. Sometimes it's hard to even believe that He has delivered us.

What does it mean to be delivered?, I thought to myself...

Dictionary.com says it means to be emancipated, rescued, redeemed or released. The first words that came to my mind were "to be set free." God allows us to be set free from the misery and hardships that we face. He sets us free from the captivity.

In my own life, I have been through more traumatic experiences than I can count on one hand. A few months ago, I went to the therapist to start working with her and I had to fill out a form about all of the trauma I've faced. There were only two out of something like 11 traumatic experiences that I haven't been through. Needless to say, I have had to be set free from a lot.

God wants to free us. He doesn't want us to be stuck in the past, replaying the traumatic experiences or difficulties we've gone through. He wants us to, as my pastor says, be "happy, healthy and whole." He wants us to move forward.

Set the Captives Free

"Christ came to set the captives free. Satan came to take the free captive."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

I read this book at possibly one of my lowest points earlier this year. I was reading quotes I had written in my diary when I came across this one.

How true it is!

Christ came to set us free from all the bad stuff in our lives that keeps us from walking into His wonderful plans for us. Satan wants to keep us in the past, in our regrets and our mistakes. Satan doesn't want us to move forward. He wants us stuck. He wants us so low that we forget the good things in our lives.

I am in the process of moving forward from the wreckage of my past. Each new day, I try to separate myself from the hold that the past has had on my life. I try to separate myself from what was and try to focus on what is. And what will be. I try to remind myself that I am free in Christ and I am able to move forward.

The past is over and done with... No longer can it have a hold on me.

I am not a little abused child anymore. I am not a neglected and homeless teen. I am a strong woman who is going to make a difference in the world. 

And that is what I hold on to each day that I move forward.

To Be Set Free

I heard a song at worship last night that really spoke to me... It is called "I Am Set Free" by All Sons & Daughters.

You broke my chains of sin and shame 

and you covered me with grace.

You mend my life with your holy fire

You cover me with grace.

You are the hand that reaches out to save

I am set free.

It made me think to myself, what does it mean to be free?

I looked up some definitions and the one I really resonated with is "to make free, set at liberty, release from bondage, imprisonment, or restraint" (dictionary.reference.com)

I think the part that I am really struggling with most is being free from my past. After years of abuse, neglect and homelessness, a part of me is still back there. A large part of my life has been spent fighting. Fighting to live. Fighting to survive. Fighting to just make it through.

It's not like I can wake up one morning and forget everything I've been through. In some ways, I'd like that but I highly doubt it's going to happen. I fight every single day to move forward, but my PTSD keeps me back there, back where I do not want to be.

I've been praying to God a lot lately to make me free from my past. I am trusting Him with all I have to free me from my past. I think by being set free, many more doors will open for me.

All I want is freedom.

Something else I've been wondering is what it looks like to be free. Does it mean that I have no more flashbacks? If so, I want nothing but to be free. I don't want to be stuck back there anymore. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I didn't have flashbacks. I wish I could control them but I can't. It is incredibly frustrating to be forced to go back there. I think it is one of the main reasons that I still feel stuck in the past.

Does it mean that I no longer talk about the past? In some ways I struggle with this, too, because the past is a part of who I am. I don't want my past to define who I am but at the same time, I find it incredibly difficult to completely stop talking about my past and be completely free.

Does it mean that I realize the flashbacks are just intense memories? I have actually made progress in this area lately. Each time I have a flashback, I've been reminding myself that it's in the past, it's just a memory. Each time I do this, I feel better and I feel more distance from what I experience through the flashbacks.

I don't necessarily know what it will look like to be free from my past, but I know that God has wonderful plans for me and that He doesn't want me stuck there.

Every part of me yearns to free, to be released from the bondage, the hold that the past has on my life. Every day, I try to move forward and separate myself from the past. It's not easy but with God, nothing is impossible and I'm hoping and believing with all that I have that I am able to be set free.

I want to leave you with a song that came to my mind as I wrote this. It's called Free by Dara McLean

Moving Forward

"As I have stated in the pages of this book, so many have tried to get me to say that my accident forty-three years ago was never part of God's plan. That my paralysis was never His intention. That quadriplegia was never necessary. That chronic pain didn't have to be. That suffering was never part of His plan. That the many tears and groans and struggles and sleepless nights were needless and a waste of my energy and my life.

I think differently.

It was all planned long ago, and God brought it about in His perfect faithfulness. And because He allowed it and permitted it, because He has walked with me through every moment of it, His plan has been marvelous for [me]."
-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

To tell you in a few words, this book helped change my life in the past two days. It only took me a few hours to read, yet it helped me more than words can say.

I made a few really deep realizations through reading this book, not necessarily things that were explicitly stated in the book but things I came to realize nonetheless.

I realized that I have been living in the past, somewhere that God does not want me to dwell. What's done is done. Gone and over with. I've let my flashbacks and PTSD keep me stuck somewhere that I don't need to be anymore. I am not an abused child anymore. I am a child of God.

I believe I am on the road to complete recovery. I wholeheartedly believe that my PTSD can go away, something that has been hard for me to believe for most of my life since I have been dealing with it for 11 years.

I realized, like Joni has, all that God has done in my life despite the challenges I have faced and that the difficulties are not mistakes but part of God's glorious plan. I have done great things despite endless challenges. I can't let the past overwhelm me because God has great plans for me.

I realized that the past was part of God's plan. I may not have liked it or like it now, but God allowed everything to happen in my life for a reason. I am putting my full trust in Him and His beautiful plan for my life.

I think my greatest realization is that I can heal. I don't necessarily know what healing will look like for me but I know that I don't have to be stuck in the past anymore. I can walk forward, knowing that the past is the past and that I don't have to be overwhelmed by the past in the present time. What happened is done and it's not happening anymore. I can walk into the future, with my hopes of being healed from my PTSD.

Redeeming Love

There is a story in the Bible about a prostitute who knelt at Jesus’s feet and washed his feet with her tears. I heard a sermon about this story a few weeks ago and then it came up in the book I’m reading.

“When Jesus looked at [the prostitute], he saw a woman- a woman with great love. He saw past her sin. He saw past her past…Jesus looked at her and saw more than just her sin. He saw her faith and her love.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

I’ve been reading this book for a few weeks now. It’s really powerful and dense so it’s taking a bit to get through, but the quote above really spoke to me.

I think it really sums up what it is to be redeemed. God doesn’t look at our past mistakes and think we’re disgusting or dirty. He doesn’t think we’re weird. He sees us as beautiful. He accepts us fully as we are. He understands us on a deeper level than anyone can.

I went for a walk this morning, and, of course, I came across some squirrels. Some ran across the street to get away from me. One started to climb a tree. I went up to the tree and it knew I saw it. So then it moved so I couldn’t see it anymore. It did this a few times. It was like I was playing hide and seek with the squirrel.

I think in a lot of ways we’re the same with God. We try to hide our past, our regrets and our mistakes. But the truth is God knows it’s still there, just like I knew the squirrel was hiding behind the tree. No matter how many times you try to hide it, it’s still there. The crazy part is that God knows what’s happened in our past and He looks beyond it. He forgives us for our past mistakes, for those things we’d rather hide forever.

I’ve honestly had a hard time understanding redemption because I’ve made a lot of mistakes that haunt me to this day. I carry a lot of “baggage,” as they say. It’s sometimes really difficult to understand that God would just look past all of that and see me for who I really am.

But He does.

And that’s what is so beautiful and powerful about faith. We are redeemed. Our sins are forgiven. Our past mistakes now gone.

Immerse Yourself

I just got home from swimming in the pool. There is something so freeing about swimming. You feel lighter, your movements are slowed and graceful. My mother was told after her knee surgery last year to go swimming because it's light on the joints. It helps her knee to heal.

To swim, you need to immerse yourself in water. To be free and whole, you need to immerse yourself in God, everything that He is.

"We can tell him about our hurts and our questions and our wounds and our dreams and our deepest and most intimate secrets. He will listen. He will care. He will come to where you are."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

If you're like me, sometimes it's hard to trust God. This whole freedom in Christ thing is not easy. Whether it's our future career, our relationships, our families, or our future in general, trusting God with it all is very difficult.

When I was in and out of hospitals earlier this year, I never thought it would end. I didn't fully trust that things would get better. I wanted them to but I wasn't sure if they ever would. I thought I was caught in a tidal wave of endless hospitalizations.

As I've shared in another post, this past Saturday marked 4 months since my last hospitalization. This is by far the longest I've gone without a hospital visit since my move to Florida last August. 

Things really are getting better and looking up. I truly am finding freedom.

Sometimes it takes a lot to trust God and to open up to Him, but I can honestly say that God never leaves us or abandons us, no matter how far away we go from Him or how far we seem to be. He is always there, cheering us on.

I am reminded of a saying "F.R.O.G", which stands for Fully Rely On God, that I learned as a child in Vacation Bible School. There is so much truth in that little saying.

We can tell God anything. Anything that we're dealing with. Anything that haunts us. Anything that we are scared to tell another person. ANYTHING. And we can trust Him.

We can trust Him not to make fun of us or avoid us or give us the cold shoulder. We can trust Him not to spread rumors about us. 

God doesn't do that.

He never disappoints.

Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.

A Freedom Worth Fighting For

On this beautiful Memorial Day, I have been thinking a lot about freedom.

"Nothing I do to myself or is done to me by others, no abuse or apathy, nothing that has happened or ever will happen- including death- can separate me from the love of God. That love helped me to forgive, releasing me from my painful past- just as that love has helped so many other forgive and find freedom."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Interesting thought.

Castaway Kid is a memoir of Mitchell's struggles of growing up in an orphanage, not feeling cared for and feeling abandoned. When he grew up he struggled with forgiving those who had left him to live in the orphanage. I related to Mitchell on many levels, even though we have not gone through the same things. I had fought a few times to get into foster care, but was always stopped. Like Mitchell, I have trouble knowing exactly what a real family is. My idea of family has in some ways been ruined. Trusting others is almost an impossible task.

At this time in my own life, I am struggling with forgiving my father and mother.

How could I forgive my father, who abused me for so many years, who lies to this day about the abuse? How could I forgive my father, who made my life so miserable as a child that my therapists say I shouldn't even be able to function? I've had therapists tell me that I shouldn't function the way that I do. I function pretty well, but I still struggle with the flashbacks. They say I am a true miracle. Quite a few have said that my story is the worst they've ever heard, not really something that makes me feel better.

How can I forgive my mother who neglected me throughout my teen years because she chose her drug dealer boyfriend and alcohol over me? I know she's getting better, but how do I forgive when it feels so painful to this day? Hurt like that runs deep. It's hard to explain what it means to be a teenager who is ignored. Who is taught that drugs and alcohol are more important. I often would see other families when I was growing up and envy them, wishing my family had some normalcy. Wishing I had people who cared about me. Truly cared about me. I thought that being in a foster home may give me more normalcy, but that never happened. I still deal with abandonment issues and feelings that others don't really care about me since I was told on many occasions throughout my life I am worthless.

Freedom isn't always something that just comes. Neither is forgiveness. Sometimes they are something you have to fight for. Isn't that what we are celebrating today? We are celebrating those who fought to give us our freedom.

Freedom is not always free. Sometimes you need to fight in order to be free. Sometimes you need to go through a battle to achieve freedom. And in many ways, I feel as if I've been through many battles. But I've survived. My oldest brother did not.

Sometimes that battle includes forgiving others.

I've often struggled with the idea of "Honor thy mother and father." I've had people say that I need to reconcile with my father and honor him. They have no idea what my father did to me. I have only let a few people into most of the details of my past and even still, there are details I've withheld. Some things are too evil to talk about, even if I relive them every day.

But I do believe that freedom can come from forgiving those who have hurt us. And it's not just a one day ordeal. It's not like I can just say to my father "Oh I forgive you!" No way.

For me, I know forgiveness is going to take a long time. Because I was hurt for many years. In fact, I was neglected and abused for a great majority of my life. That's one of the reasons I have a difficult time in social situations, especially those in which I have to relate to others. Sometimes I feel as if I grew up on another planet. So the progress is slow. It is something I might always deal with. But I still move forward.

"All I could do to honor the woman who birthed me was to forgive her. It was time to stop holding onto resentment, time to move forward."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Moving forward takes determination. Forgiveness takes strength and willpower. It means that the past no longer controls the present or the future. And that's not easy. Especially when I have PTSD and flashbacks that occur all day long, every single day. But it means that I move into a future in which I am free, no longer chained down by the abuse and neglect. No longer chained down by my past. My past is part of my story but it is not who I am.

The chains that have held me prisoner for so long are slowly being torn apart. I have been finding a strength and resilience within me that I never knew existed. And I am walking into the light and freedom.

Freedom is worth fighting for...

How Free I Am...

I just had an Aha moment, as they call them, and it was too good not to be a blog post.

I was thinking about my latest psychotic episode. When I was psychotic, voices of people I had known from throughout my life were telling me awful things about who I am. They told me I lied and I never did anything good for anybody else. They made fun of me. They laughed at me. They threw nasty names at me. They told me I deserved to die or be killed. I literally wanted to say sorry to everyone that I thought was talking to me. I felt deeply ashamed and scared of who these voices said I was.

During my first psychotic episode, I believed that the doctors were killing the other patients (which they obviously weren’t). I went around the hospital unit trying to save everyone, telling the doctors and nurses that I wanted to die in their place. I wanted to be the one who died not them. But then I started to believe that my sins were too much. I believed I deserved to die because of my sins. I needed to be punished.

I came to realize that the One who died for us had already died in our place. Even though I have sinned, I realized that my sins were and are not too much for God to forgive. Jesus has already been punished.

In both psychotic episodes, as I started to take the medications, the intense fears started to fade. I was relieved to know and find out that I was not dying nor did I have to die nor was I being punished. Through my insane, irrational psychotic episodes, I gained a deeper understanding of what it meant for Jesus to die for my sins. Towards the end of my second psychotic episode, I heard one of the voices, which was not a voice of someone I had grown up with, say “It already was accomplished.” 

It was almost like they said clear as day, "You have nothing to worry about. It already has happened. Your Savior has already died in your place. You have nothing to fear."

It never occurred to me until just now what that meant. What it means for Jesus to already have accomplished victory over sin, death and evil. It already was accomplished. And now, I am free from my sins. Free from the shame. Free from the mistakes. Free from the regrets.

The shame and guilt I have carried my whole life are starting to heal... finally.

My doctor said that people rarely remember their psychotic episodes, but I remember full well how scary it was. I was absolutely terrified of everyone in the hospital and they even talked about it once my psychosis stopped. But I believe that my memory of the episodes is a blessing, since I remember the incredible relief when I realized that everything was forgiven and that I had nothing to fear.  All the shame and all the guilt is no more. 

The shame does not have to overwhelm my life anymore. The memories of my traumatic experiences don’t have to control my life anymore. And that’s what the memories remind me. 

Not of how frightened I was, but of how free I am.