Facing the Past

"You'll never know if you're on the right course for your life until you see the course that has brought you to where you are today."
-Jessica Brockmole, Letters From Skye

"I felt anchored to a place so dark and full of despair that it seemed nothing would ever change...[but] what is lost can often be found, restored, replaced, or recovered...Today I am grateful and appreciative of all that has happened in my life, including my childhood and my mother's drinking. They brought me to where I am today, and I like being here."
-Hope For Today (Alanon book), Jan. 5 Devotion

I've been reading a novel for the past few days called Letters from Skye. It is a romance novel about a young man who falls in love with a woman from Skye in the early 1910s. It just turns out that the woman is married to a man who is away at war. There is turmoil but also tremendous beauty in the story. Enough turmoil for a Jerry Springer show.

The romance story is juxtaposed to another story, taking pace in 1940, of the woman's daughter trying to find out about her past. Trying to find out about her father and where she came from. That is where the quote above comes in.

Sometimes we want to run away from our past. Sometimes we want to know all we can about our past. Because our past is a big part of who we have become. It does not define us but it is a part of us. Sometimes we need to know about the past in order to move forward.

Every so often, we hear about adopted children trying to find their birth parents. It is that great yearning to find out where we came from that helps us know who we are. Knowing about our past gives us closure on what could have been... no matter the turmoil.

I have often wondered about my past... wondering what I would be like if things had been different; if I hadn't been abused, neglected, or homeless, who would I be? Where would I be? Would I struggle with severe mental illnesses?

It is exactly in those questions that I learn that I am right where God wants me to be. Nothing more, nothing less. He has placed those challenges in my life to create a strength in me that I never knew I would ever have. He has given me a determination that has continually carried me through the challenges that have come my way. And for that, I am eternally thankful to God...

Change

Yesterday, I went to group therapy and we did this exercise. It was after a difficult discussion with someone about moving forward and I felt that it was ironic that this was the exercise. And that I was the only one who showed up.

In case you can't read it, at the top it says "Why do people not change?" and around the circle it says "They can't," "They do not want to change," "They do not know what to change," and "They do not know how to change."

Below this circle were questions, "Which one are you? Why? What do you need to change?"

As I thought about the exercise and my conversation with the person earlier, I thought that I am closest to "They do not know how to change." I know that I am close to making big changes in my life and moving forward, but I'm still frustrated with having PTSD and paranoia. I don't really know how to explain my frustration. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back because of my illnesses when I want to take 10 steps forward.

I feel as if they are holding me back from what I could be. I'm still frustrated that I have flashbacks every single day and that the past is still interfering with my present. I want to move forward but a big part of me is still stuck in the past. I want to let go, but I don't know how. Maybe I am holding on? But it's not like I can just forget 23 years of trauma. Especially not with PTSD.

Do I believe I can be healed? Absolutely! Without a doubt. I'm just waiting for the answer to how. Maybe I'm searching in the wrong places? My dream is not to be stuck in the past. Absolutely not!  My dream is to move forward and not have the past overwhelm me anymore. Right now, that is my main goal.

I no longer want to be bogged down by the past. I want to make a big difference in this world. And I know I can't do that with one foot in the past.

This is one of my favorite songs about change...

Savoring the Strawberry

I'm currently reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and I came across a story that really spoke to me.

"The monk raced to the edge of a cliff, glanced back, and saw the growling tiger about to spring. The monk spotted a rope dangling over the edge of the cliff. He grabbed it and began shinnying down the side of the cliff out of the clutches of the tiger. Whew! Narrow escape. The monk then looked down and saw a quarry of jagged rocks five hundred feet below. He looked up and saw the tiger poised atop the cliff with bared claws. Just then, two mice began to nibble at the robe. What to do?

The monk saw a strawberry within arm's reach, growing out of the face of the cliff. He plucked it, ate it, and exclaimed, 'Yum! That's the best strawberry I've ever tasted in my entire life.' If he had been preoccupied with the rock below (the future) or the tiger above (the past), he would have missed the strawberry God was giving him in the present moment."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg.54

Sometimes we are so bogged down by our worries about the future or the nagging nature of our past that we forget to enjoy the present time. We forget to savor the strawberries. What I like about this story is that the past and future are so frightening, and yet the monk takes time to enjoy the present.

We don't exactly know what the future holds, but we can trust that God holds our future in His hands. We know that through His grace and mercy, we will make it through anything that comes our way. In the same vein, our past may be awful and full of turmoil and pain, yet we are called to walk forward into God's beautiful plans for our lives.

We are called to trust God and not be preoccupied with the past or future.

Does anyone else find that hard?

Sometimes, I personally find it very hard not to be preoccupied with the past due to the intrusive memories I have because of my PTSD. But every day, it's getting easier. I'm looking forward to when I don't have the flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive memories anymore.

I'm looking forward to being able to savor the strawberries in the present.

Need to Break Out

I was looking over some of the quotes I wrote in my notebook/journal from books I've read lately and I came across this quote...

"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?

I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.

I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.

Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!

Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.

Into the Bright Future

I've been studying for an exam I have on Friday for the past few days. I've studied probably about 15-20 hours for it so far.

Have you ever studied for something so much that you actually "see" it everywhere or you can't stop thinking about what's on the exam? I've been studying for a class about materials and I actually have started to "see" the quantum mechanical structure of the materials all around me. I think that's a sign that I'm almost ready for the exam. I keep looking around and asking myself what kind of structure does this material have? Is it an alloy, a ceramic, a... blah de blah blah? Is it strong, ductile, brittle? Is it crystalline/noncrystalline? You get the picture.

Yesterday, I posted about getting up after going through a rough time. I wanted to point out that it's probably one of the most difficult things one can do. Especially after a hard fall. But getting up after a fall can be one of the most rewarding things one can do as well. Out of the most difficult experiences often come great things.

The excitement of being back in school for me still has not lost its touch. The excitement of being out of the hospital is still very real and tangible. I am blessed each day that I move forward and learn to let go of the past. I don't take the ability to concentrate and study for granted.

I have been wondering why letting go is so hard. Why is letting go so arduous?

I think it is because it requires a lot for us to move forward and let go. We have to realize that we are stuck in the past and that with God's help, we can move forward. I don't necessarily know what it will look like for me to completely move forward, but I know I'm on my way to a bright future. I know I am moving forward each and every day. And that means more than words can say.

We also have to realize that the past is in the past and that we are not defined by our past. The past is over and done with. And we are free to move forward into the wonderful plans God has for us.

Amen.

Straining Toward What Is Ahead

To tell you the truth, when I woke up this morning, I had no clue what I was going to write about. Most times, I know what I'm going to write the night before. However, I just came across a quote that really, really spoke to me and resonated with me from a book I read a few weeks ago. 

You know how you just know that God is speaking to you and He brings something into your life when you most need it?! This quote is exactly what I needed to read this morning.

"Whatever happened in the past is over and done with. You cannot change it, you can only channel it. That means you take whatever pain you lived through and channel the power of it into something meaningful today. Today you are a survivor...You must refuse to ruminate about the past that is over and wake up to the life you have now, focusing on the opportunities before you."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

Every single part of this quote made me think this morning as I read and reread it. Sometimes I struggle a lot with rumination over the past, due to the intrusive memories and flashbacks that come with my PTSD. But someone in my life is really challenging me to move forward, to move past the past to the opportunities ahead of me.

I know this quote is God encouraging me to move forward, to realize that I am a survivor and not a victim anymore. God wants me to move forward and not be stuck back there. I don't want to be stuck back there. I don't want to be back there at all. I want to move forward with my life, moving forward into the wonderful plans God has for me.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."
-Philippians 3:13b (NIV)

I believe that God has great plans for each of us and He does not want us to be stuck in the past. "The past is over and done with." And so we strive to move forward every single day. We strive to make each day a new one instead of living in the past. We strive to find meaning in the past, but not get stuck back there.

This life is a journey, often challenging but worth every moment.

My Escape

Ever since I posted a few days ago about my Aspergian quirks, I've been noticing them even more. It seems that numbers and patterns invade my life even more than I initially thought.

The following picture may seem simple and blank to most...

but to me, it is a pattern... an intricate beautiful pattern of lopsided squares (rhombi). I count them in 5's and go onto the next column after I get to a multiple of 5. I think about interchanging them, like permutations. How many different combinations can I get of the squares? If every square contained a prime number, what would be the sum? Fibonnaci numbers?

Not only is it about numbers but this picture is a reflection. I think about the angle of the sun and the various physics concepts that go along with light. I think about photodynamic therapy and photon emission.

My mind thinks of these things all day long. I like to play games like this. I like to think about quantum physics. I like to keep my mind busy in order to keep it off the stuff from my past. Numbers, patterns and permutations have nothing to do with the abuse and neglect I endured for most of my childhood and teenage years. 

They are my escape.

I find comfort in numbers. I think, for some reason, it makes me feel like I am in control. I can figure out mathematical games. Numerical questions are problems that I can fix, whereas my past is something I just have to live with.

The same photo above not only reminds me of numbers, but it also reminds me of how for so long, I felt like a captive or a prisoner in my childhood home. And every day, I am getting closer and closer to breaking free of that captivity. Due to my PTSD, I am still held captive in many ways.

Numbers are numbers. They are defined. 

So many things in this life are not defined and slowly but surely you have to get closer to the truth... of who you are in God. You can't let circumstances define who you are. There are so many things in this life that we can't answer but we just have to have faith and move forward.

Settling For More

I want to share two quotes from a book I read a few months ago, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul by Erwin and Rebecca Lutzer.

"The battle will rage but victory is possible through Jesus Christ our Lord."

"The past cannot be changed, but the power of the past can be diminished and broken."

I wanted to share these quotes because I know I am not the only one who feels like they're fighting a battle. For me, the battle that rages on inside my soul is my past. But others might be battling other illnesses, or things that hold us back from God. 

The battle for our lives can be won in Jesus. With Him, we do not have to worry about the future or where we are going next. We just need to trust...

God will take care of you. 
God loves you. 
God is there for you, especially when there is no other place to run.

How do I know?

Because I have been there.

I was there last week. 

I was terrified. My paranoia was skyrocketing. I was afraid of everybody. It got to the point that I considered going to the hospital. So I went to my doctor and got on a new medication. I had that appointment set up for about a month but God knew exactly when I needed that appointment.

It's been three days since I started my new medication and the paranoia has subsided. It's still there very weakly and I expect it to continue to go away as my body gets used to the new medication. Today was my first day at work without paranoia and it felt different. I almost got used to being paranoid.

The second quote speaks to the power that the past can have in our lives. The past cannot be changed, but sometimes it can take on so much power in our lives.

How do I know?

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to many years of abuse. I avoid certain things or places that remind me of the abuse. I even dropped a class in college because the professor reminded me of one of my abusers. Sometimes I live my life in a way that I try to not be reminded by my past, but then I end up being reminded of it even more. I deal with intrusive memories of the past, uncontrollable videos that run through my head at various points in my day.

I know that the power of my past can be broken, but right now I'm not sure it is. I'd say that its power is slowly diminishing. The past still haunts me through my PTSD. But every day, I feel stronger against my past. Every time I talk to someone about it, the past seems a little weaker and I feel stronger. There is something extremely empowering about talking about the abuse.

I believe that God does not call us to get used to living with our past having so much power over us or whatever it is that haunts us and keeps us from Him. He tells us "Don't get comfortable... I'm going to do something great in your life."

Don't settle for less...

Making Me New

Last night, I watched an episode of Extreme Weight Loss. In the episode I watched, a woman named Meredith works to reach her goal of weighing 155 pounds. She has tried everything she could to lose weight but she's been unsuccessful. And that's why she has to get to the root of her overeating: the fact that she was given away and adopted as a baby. She has felt the sense of rejection for the majority of her life. As she works through the feelings associated with the adoption, she finds acceptance and her real meaning in life.

Sometimes what we need to do in order to move forward is get at the root of the negative things in our lives.

Right now, in my own recovery, I'm working to get to the root of my illnesses: the abuse and neglect I endured for many years as a child and teenager. There is a ton of hurt, distrust and other negative feelings that come with being severely abused for so many years. I deal with feelings of rejection, betrayal and hurt among a myriad of other associated feelings.

For the past month or so, I've been dealing with paranoia. I've been working through the paranoid thoughts with my therapist. I've been working to find truth in the paranoia, to reach down into my trust issues and find out what's real. I think that distrust is the root of my paranoia. On one hand, I am sucked into believing that everybody is plotting against me.  But the other hand says that people are not after me, that there are people who care deeply about me. Sometimes I really want to react to others if I think they're after me. But when I do, I instead think to myself, "They're not after you. You'll be okay. Just move forward." I try to think about the logic of everyone conspiring against me.

After Father's Day a few weeks ago, my therapist told me to reframe the holiday by doing something nice for families, like cleaning up a park where families go... something to support good fathers. My therapist has started to help me reframe my past and look at it in a new light so it doesn't have the control it's had in my life for so long. I'm starting to go away from my comfort zone to overcome the negative feelings that have haunted me for so long. It's a struggle but it's a battle I'm willing to fight.

In a way, it's making the negative into positive. It's looking at my past in a different way that can help me move forward. For me, it means moving forward in spite of all the garbage I've been through and are going through.

I'm actually glad that a few people have said that the medications will not really help the paranoia I'm dealing with. They told me I have to work through the paranoia by challenging my thought patterns. I like challenging the negative thoughts because it is about taking back power and control. It's about standing up for what I endured as a child. It's one of the most difficult things I've done but I'm up for the challenge. It's truly helping me to heal.

"this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, 

and reaching forth unto those things which are before"

-Philippians 3:13 (KJV)

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, 

he is a new creature: 

old things are passed away; 

behold, all things are become new."

-2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)

Each new day is an adventure and part of the struggle to take back my life that was taken, but it is an opportunity to become new in Christ. It is a chance to heal in a way I have never done before.

The Ultimate Healer

Today I am celebrating two months since I got out of my last hospitalization. After four months of being in and out of hospitals adding up to almost a month and a half of time, it is such a relief that things are getting better.

I still struggle sometimes with paranoia and my PTSD is still hard to control, but I am really excited to be moving forward and healing. Sometimes when you’re going through a storm, you forget that things can get better. They can. And they will if you trust God and lean on Him.

“Our God is a God of truth and light. Lies are exposed when truth is spoken. Darkness is banished when light is allowed to shine.”

-Diane Langberg, On the Threshold of Hope

I grew up surrounded with lies. Lies that told me I was inhuman and not worthy of real love. Lies that told me I would never have a good life. Lies that told me I was good for nothing.

So what is the truth that I have found in God?

Well, the truth I have found relates to all of us.

I am beautiful. No matter what others may say, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. There is nobody like me and I am a beautiful creation of God.

I am worthy of God’s love. God loves me just for who I am, not for what I’ve done or haven’t done. He loves me for who I am. Nothing I do or say can stop Him from loving me. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but God has forgiven me. I am not my past. I am here in the present and that's what matters. God's love is always with us.

I am worthy of love from other people. Just as I should love others, I deserve to be loved by other people. Even though I grew up in horrible abusive circumstances where I was not loved by certain people, I am worthy of love from others.

I have been redeemed. Redemption comes when you can move forward from the past and look to the future that God has in store. It comes when you are rescued from what was and you move forward into God's love. Redemption is a huge part of the healing process. It comes when the lies we have been told are overtaken by the truth we find in God. It comes when we no longer dwell on the pain or hurts in the past. We no longer live in the past.

I am being restored. Restoration begins when you start healing from the past. God comes into your life and starts to heal your past regrets and hurts. Restoration is a process through which we find out who God is. He is the ultimate Healer. Restoration is when broken hearts are healed. After years of abuse, my restoration process is still going on.

I am God’s child. No matter what others have said or are saying about you, know that you are God’s child. Nothing that happens on this earth can take that truth away. After years of being treated like I am less than human, it has taken a long time to realize this statement. I am actually wanted, loved and adored by God and my identity is His child. No matter what's happened in the past, I can leave it because I know my real identity in Christ. I am dearly loved by Him.

God is healing me every day and helping me to move forward. If you allow Him, He can heal you from your pain and hurt as well. Allow Him to restore. Allow Him to heal. Allow Him to reveal the lies. Allow Him to renew.

Clean Break for the Positive

I was watching an episode from Duck Dynasty a few days ago. I haven't really watched any TV since last August, but I have wanted to start watching some new shows. I have to say that there are some pretty interesting shows on TV.

Anyways, one of the characters of Duck Dynasty said something that really resonated with me. I was not expecting this amidst all the jokes of the show. I really was not expecting anything deep. But it was deep.

Part of the show, Kay is selling stuff in the front of the family home, attempting to get rid of the old and bring a new beginning into her home. At the end of the show, someone said (I don't know the characters well enough to know which one):

"People are nature's number one creature. We tend to hold to get comfortable, stuck in our ways and we fear change. We like to hold onto old things in order to hold onto old memories when usually it keeps us from making new ones. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and make a clean break from the past to start a fresh beginning."

Again, I was not expecting anything deep, but I think this resonates with me because I am trying to start a fresh beginning in my life. I am trying to replace all the negativity of my past with positivity for the future. As painful as it is to admit, I've gotten used to things being difficult. I've gotten used to being hurt. I've gotten used to things being out of control in a lot of ways.

But God doesn't intend for us to get used to pain and misery. Yes, it is a part of life that we all have to go through, but it's only a part not the whole. The problem begins when pain becomes the only part of life we see and experience.

I love that he says we gotta bite the bullet and move forward into a new beginning. That is the phase of my life that I am currently going through. I am trying to make a clean break for the future that God has in store.

I fear change, though. In many ways, I feel much more comfortable in difficult circumstances and situations than easy ones. If things aren't difficult, I get anxious and feel weird. If things are going well, most often I feel like things are too good to be true. It feels awkward. To me, things aren't supposed to be good. They've always been insanely difficult.

But that's not how life is supposed to be.

I'm not saying things are always going to be peachy keen and hunky dory but we also are supposed to live in the light, hope, peace, joy and love of God.

As I move forward, I am trying to make the past what it really is: the past. It is gone, over and done with. It really is history. And now I am attempting to create positive memories instead of the constant negative memories I relive through my PTSD.

The lyrics of History by Matthew West, one of my favorite songs which I was just reminded of, says:

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

Let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history