Newfound Respect

"First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 23 Devotion

Let me be real for a second.... I have heard about AA and Alanon for the great majority of my life. I went to a couple meetings of each, although I am not an alcoholic and have never even drank a sip of alcohol. But I never understood the first step (Admit that your life is unmanageable).

I never understood it until this morning when I read it. Why? Because I've been stubborn. I am the type of person who thinks I have control of things. One thing that also frustrated me was that why would I say my life is unmanageable because of alcohol when I have never even touched it? In some ways I felt I didn't belong. 

I don't want to admit that I may not have control of things. As a child growing up in an abusive and alcoholic home, I always wanted to fix things in my family. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be better.

But what I didn't understand until now is that the first step and the second step work together. Instead of relying on ourselves to make things better, we are supposed to trust God to help us move forward through the unmanageable lifestyles we lead. And I think that this applies to anyone, not just alcoholics or family and friends of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I have a newfound respect for AA and Alanon. I honestly used to be frustrated when I sat in a meeting and they read the steps. Why couldn't I control my life? Why couldn't I make things better? Why do I have to admit that my life is unmanageable?

But now I know the deeper meaning in the steps. And I have to get rid of my stubborness...

Wondrous Events

"Some of the most wondrous events grow out of what appears to be disasters... Today, I know that even when my situation looks bleak and I can't see any way out, miracles can happen if I turn my will and my life over to God."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 17 Devotion

In case you don't notice, I accidentally read the February 17 devotion this morning. I am in the middle of watching a movie and very tired but the quote above really spoke to me.

Sometimes when everything looks negative in our lives, that's when we need the most faith. For me, last year when I was going through all of the paranoia and psychosis, I went to the lake all the time to speak to God. My faith in God grew through going to the lake, day after day. I remember going and being surrounded by leaves falling. It felt like God was whispering to me that He loves me. Even in the darkest of circumstances, I felt the light and love of God.

Currently, I am applying for jobs like crazy. I don't know what will happen from here, but I have faith that God has a wonderful plan for my life and that He will never leave me. It's been a few weeks since I started applying and I haven't heard anything, so I'm beginning to get frustrated. That's when I need to trust God the most.

For now, I am enjoying life while applying for jobs, working on my first book, reading books and watching movies. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life as it comes. Especially since I'm taking my meds...

Missing

We're going into day 2 that my brother has been missing. I'm just trying to process what's going on, while going to my classes and trying to find some sense of normalcy in this difficult time. I met with a therapist yesterday on campus and talked with my therapist on the phone. This is honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever been through and it's kind of surreal. It's one of those things you see on the news and never expect it to happen in your own life.

I am trying my hardest to trust God at this time.

If you could pray for my family and me, especially for the safety and well-being of my brother, I would greatly appreciate it. We are just trying to get through this and find my brother safely.

Here is a picture of my brother. If you see him, please contact the West Orange police at 973-325-4000 or your local police.

Works All Things For Good

God works all things for good.

Last night, I was at a Bible study and we were talking about trusting God. Towards the end of the Bible study, I received some very difficult news. I nearly broke down.

I had to put my full trust in God.

After Bible study, there was worship and they played Hurricane by Natalie Grant. The words of the song really struck me, especially the following lyrics...

"He'll find you in the hurricane."

I was so worried and anxious and worn out, but God spoke to me through those few words and said that everything will be alright. He said that no matter how chaotic, how confusing, how stressful, how out of control things get, that He is God and He will take care of me and my loved ones.

He said, Trust me, I got this...

Needless to say, it was the exact song I needed to hear. And the craziest thing is that my mom was at a Natalie Grant concert last night.

Again, God works all things for good.

Worst Case Scenario-Izing

The good part about catastrophizing is that when you expect the worst and it does not happen, you are overwhelmed with joy that you would not have if you were not catastrophizing.

I wrote this on my Facebook last night after spending 3 hours at the dentist yesterday.

To say I was anxious about my dentist appointment is quite an understatement. But I went anyway. I hadn't been to a dentist in over a year and I knew my teeth had gotten worse. I thought the worse and so I kept putting off going to the dentist.

To say I was relieved to get some good news is also an understatement. During my catastrophizing and "worst-case-scenario"-izing, I had come up with the worst case scenario... I'm going to have to get all my teeth pulled, then I won't be able to pay for dentures, then I won't get a job, then I won't have insurance, then I won't be able to pay for my psychiatric medications, then I'll end up homeless and on the streets and then I'll die from a tooth infection....

And yeah... that does not seem to be reality.

I think I started castastrophizing as a child as a coping mechanism... Think the worst, then when it doesn't come true, you're happy. I think it's good sometimes to be prepared.

However, I also think it's not healthy to be in constant fear and worry of the worst. I was absolutely dreading yesterday's appointment for the past two weeks. "The 15th" kept going through my head with the music from Jaws running in the background.

Sometimes we need to let go and let God. We need to trust that God really does have our back and that He will take care of us. At one point in my appointment, during the X-rays, I prayed to God and I put all of my trust in Him. From that point on, I knew I would be okay.

Free to Trust

"To believe deeply, as Jesus did, that God is present and at work in human life is to understand that I am a beloved child of this Father and, hence, free to trust... To trust Abba, both in prayer and life, is to stand in childlike openness before a mystery of gracious love and acceptance."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

We are currently on Chapter Four of this book in my Bible study and I honestly think this is the most powerful chapter so far. I read the chapter twice because there's just so much to digest and take in.

This quote spoke to me because sometimes it's hard for me to trust God when He works in my life. It's hard sometimes to give over the control of my life, even though I know that God is good. Often, I want the control because I feel "safer" with control in my own hands.

Why should I trust God? Why should we trust God?

Because God holds this world in His hands. He is a gracious God, loving and accepting.  He is our true Father. He cares about us deeper than anyone can. He knows us on a level that nobody else can. His love is so incomparable, radiating through every aspect of our lives, if we trust Him. There is nothing we go through in this life that God can't handle or help us through.

I want to leave with another quote from Chapter Four.

"To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Trusting God

“Faith always involves stepping out, letting go, risking something.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Today was my official last day at my job that I’ve held for the past two and a half months. I wasn’t fired. It was just a summer job that I knew would end at the end of the summer.

When I first got the job, it took a lot of faith to actually take it. To get up each morning and go to work was seemingly out of the picture at the time. As many of you know, last semester was full of hospitalizations for me.

Four hospitalizations to be exact.

When I applied for this job, I really felt God calling me to do it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but I knew He was calling me to do it. You know how sometimes you just know. It was the first and only job I applied to and interviewed for. When I received the news that I got the job on the same day I interviewed, I was ecstatic.

And scared.

At the time I got the job, I had only been out of the hospital for nearly two months. I had no idea what would happen if I took the job. I was terrified that I would lose it if I went to the hospital again. I was afraid I’d mess up somehow. I didn’t know how my boss would react to a hospitalization.

I was terrified actually.

I flat out was not sure if I could handle a job in the state I was in, still being paranoid and having many flashbacks a day.

But I trusted God.

I knew He was calling me to work. I knew He was calling me to trust Him and that things would get better. It took a lot to trust Him, but I did.

It’s been over 4 months without a hospitalization. I’ve had a lot of stressful events but I didn’t give up. I kept getting up every morning and forced myself to go to work, whether or not I felt like it. Working a part time job was perfect because I got some time to myself to focus on healing.

Working this summer has also given me a lot of confidence in myself. I know I’m ready to handle school again.

Sometimes following what God has called you to do is difficult and scary. He often asks you to trust Him with unknown circumstances.

However, when you do what God wants you to do, great things can happen.

Overwhelming Flood

Today is a great day.

Why, you ask?

Well today marks four months since my last hospitalization. That’s a third of the year! One of my main goals with dealing with my mental illnesses is to stay out of the hospital. It has not been easy, especially with my paranoia and psychosis acting up.

But I did it!

Today has also been challenging. I woke up and realized that I ran out of lithium. I have a refill at one pharmacy, but that pharmacy is closed today. I have been on the phone with a doctor for a bit trying to get them to call in the refill to another pharmacy that's open. I NEED my medication.

Good grief!

I believe I am moving forward in a positive direction. Staying out of the hospital takes sheer determination.

And therapy.

“In therapy, before we could begin to deal with the lasting neuropsychological effects of the trauma [my patient] endured, we needed to address her mind’s subsequent conversion of an ordinary truck driver into a shadowy figure who was scheming and evil.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

One of the things I addressed in my last blog post is the belief that people are generally good.

Paranoia blocks that belief. It questions it to the core.

The negative thoughts just come. They permeate my mind like an overwhelming flood.

When I’m paranoid, I think everybody is out to get me. I think that nobody cares about me. I believe I'm the worst person on earth.

I think part of it is that I struggle with trust issues due to my past. When I told someone about some of the abuse I endured, they said to me, “I hope you can come to realize that most people you meet in life will treat you better than that.”

That’s difficult for me to believe sometimes.

I want to believe it with all of my heart, soul and mind.

But I was abused and mistreated by the people who should have cared about me the most. They should have protected me, but they didn’t.

It’s really hard to fully trust someone.

Nearly impossible.

I always have my suspicions about people. 

Maybe they’re only caring about me because they want something. 

Maybe they’re only caring because it’s part of their job. 

Maybe I really am worthless and only deserve to be used.

That’s often my train of thought. And I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could see that I am worth it.

I want to believe it.

But when you’re mistreated for many years, it starts to get to you and you stop believing that people have your best interests at heart. I wish people understood that I want to trust them, but it’s just not that easy.

I want to trust.

I really do.

It takes all of me to trust.

But I'm willing to do anything to get rid of these trust issues.

The Trust Battle

Trust.

I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them.

It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day.

Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun.

I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times.

Point blank, it's not a great way to live.

But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help.

Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything.

"Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach."
-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal

I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life.

I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him.

I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.

Working It All Together

To be completely honest, I don't even know where to begin this blog post. God's goodness, grace and mercy is very overwhelming for me.

For the past few months, I have had to overcome many hurdles to get ready for my last semester of graduate school. Due to my hospitalizations and inability to complete all of the PhD work necessary, I lost my fellowship. A huge hurdle.

I have taken the past month or so off so that I could take care of myself and get better. It's been almost two months since my last hospitalization, so I feel stable enough now to take care of things.

For the past few months, I have been praying to God, trusting in Him and believing that a miracle would come along regarding my financial aid situation.

And this past week, my prayers have been answered in a huge way.

At first last week, I got bad news. I found out that one of the four courses I was supposed to take was cancelled for the Fall semester. Another huge hurdle. I was frustrated because that would mean I had to find enough financial aid for two semesters since I would have to stick around in the Spring just for one course.

However, I received an email saying that I could substitute the course with another course so I could finish in the Fall. Miracle number one.

Last Friday, I got news that I was offered a new job. It was the first job I applied to and to be honest, I was shocked. My interview was a few minutes long and I did not tell the interviewer about any of my struggles. This job is exactly what I have been praying for.  Miracle number two.

This morning, I got news that I received almost enough financial aid for the semester. It was by far more than I thought I would receive. Miracle number three.

You wanna know the craziest thing?

The amount I will be paid for my new job is the same amount that I need to have just enough for next semester. With all of my money I have saved, the financial aid and the money from my new job, I will have just enough for next semester.

Now only God could pull this off. It all is coming together in ways I never could have expected.

God truly works miracles and I am so overwhelmed today. He kept telling me to trust Him. I looked back on all of the times that I've worried about financial aid and it's come through. I trusted God to do the same this time and He has answered my prayers in a big way.

It's not easy to trust God. Every time I caught myself worrying about everything, I kept telling myself "Trust God. He's got this. Don't worry."

No matter what you're going through, trust God. Trust that He will shine through in your life and that He will help you through the difficult times. You never know how much of His goodness will come into your life.

As I was writing this blog post, I thought about the song Blessings by Laura Story. At the end of the chorus, she sings "What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise." I came across the video I am posting below that is her story behind the song. I love how she says that maybe God blesses us through not giving us what we want or allowing us to go through hard times. Sometimes the hard times are exactly what we need to get through to see how truly blessed we are in this life. Sometimes trials in our lives can have hidden blessings within them.

As Grace Flows Down...

At church this morning, we sang a few songs that really spoke to me. I thought deeply about the lyrics and they really touched me in a way that I know only God can speak to me.

A verse of one of the songs, Desert Song, goes like this.

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

I had no choice but to raise my hands up high to God, to worship Him as I sang this song, because I know that God is there during every season of our lives. Even when we may not feel it, we have a reason to worship and sing. I have felt God even in the worst moments in my life. Part of trusting God is believing that He's there even when we feel abandoned or lonely. Because the truth is we are never alone. Even when the storms are raging in our lives, we can trust Him. Sometimes it's hard for me because I feel alone and as if nobody can relate to what I've gone through but I am always reminded that God understands. And that is more than enough for me.

Even in the chaos, God is still God. God will always be God.

We all go through tough times in our lives, seasons where we don't know what's going on. Since I suffered a head concussion at the end of last year, I've had nonstop medical issues. Including the hospitalization in October, I have had 5 hospitalizations totalling up to about 2 months in the hospital. It was frustrating. Downright difficult. Hard stuff. But God truly never abandoned me and He is showing His goodness, mercy and grace in my life. And I am very grateful for that.

Another song that we sang was All Who Are Thirsty, in which the verse says:

Let the pain and the sorrow

Be washed away

In the waves of his mercy

As deep cries out to deep

During the early few months of this year, I thought my disorders would never get better. To tell you the truth, I was terrified that I would end up in a state mental institution since I was hospitalized so much. Either that or the endless hospitalizations would never end. The pain and the loneliness I felt were tremendous, but I never gave up. And these lyrics meant a lot to me because deep down, I feel all the bad stuff being slowly washed away. I feel as if I am finally going to be able to move forward with my life.

Having PTSD, I feel like you know that you're getting better when you don't think about the past as much. The memories and flashbacks become less intrusive. For the past few days, they've been getting better. I'm not having as many flashbacks and memories. They're still there but things are getting better.

Part of the sermon this morning was about trusting God to do more than you ever could imagine. As I go through this healing process, I have had to trust God in so many ways, and He is answering my prayers and truly healing me in ways that I never could imagine. It's not easy to trust. I have a lot of trouble with trusting, but I look back throughout my life and see how God has helped me through the seemingly impossible. I have no choice but to trust.

God's mercy is so overwhelming. It is unbelievably good.

When His grace flows down, it is a miraculous thing...

The Unstoppable Love of God

I had to write a lengthy paper for a class all day today, and in between writing, I thought about the fact that I was hospitalized four times this semester and recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have missed over a month of classes, yet I still am in the semester, going strong. I thought it would be impossible to finish this semester without taking a medical leave, but I proved myself and many others wrong. Nothing has stopped me so far from achieving my goals, so why would I let four hospitalizations stop me from completing this semester?

Granted, I know that many people would have taken the time off and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with taking a medical leave. I took a 10 month medical leave during college. But there is a principle behind what I am trying to get at.

In life, we are going to face obstacles and numerous difficult circumstances and we have a choice.

Are we going to let the circumstances stop us from achieving our goals and dreams or are we going to take control of our life with God’s help and make our dreams come true?

For some people, taking time off and reflecting on their lives and the circumstances they are in help them to recover. I do not think there is anything wrong with that. I often take time to reflect on everything I am going through. 

However, I think that the problem occurs when we get stuck in an endless pit of circumstances and we forget that God is ultimately in control and that through Him, we can recover from any situation or difficult circumstance that comes our way.

As I shared in my life story, I was severely abused as a child. As I grew older, I started to date boys and it was very difficult for me. Some of them were very controlling. Because I had grown up in an abusive household, I learned to notice the signs right away, so I got out of those relationships very quickly. I was thinking about these different relationships I have been in and I realized that I made a positive choice to protect myself. It was not easy by any means.  But I took the control back that was lost when I was a child and it was incredibly empowering. I believe that no matter what interactions we have with others, we can either let others destroy us or build us up. We have God's strength inside of us through the Holy Spirit to help us and guide us through the difficult times.

Someone once told me something that I often think about. This person said to me, “Everyone has difficult things in their lives that they cannot control, but what’s important is how they react to these situations.”

We have an important choice to make about whether or not we let the "crap" of life rule our lives. Someone once said to me "You have been dealt some very difficult cards in your life, and you have a decision about how you are going to play your cards."

I could have let growing up in a household with a lot of drugs and abuse ruin my life, but I chose not to. The moment in which I remember making the critical promise to myself that I would never drink or do drugs was when I watched my last family member get arrested at 3:16 in the morning when I was 16. I was all alone the rest of the night and I cried myself to sleep, but I made that promise to myself and I have stuck to it.

I could have let my suicide attempt in 2009 stop me from graduating college and being successful, but I didn’t. I could have let the depression stop me from enjoying life, but I haven’t. I ended up graduating at the top of my class in the honors program.

Before you, it may seem like you have a huge mountain to climb, but those mountains have a beautiful view of the landscape. Only when you climb the mountains can you see the wonders of this beautiful world.

In the same way, going through the difficulties and succeeding in the end provides an opportunity to see your life in a different light. While I have gone through such great difficulties, I am always in awe when I step back and see all that God has done in my life. I am in awe of the grace and mercy He has shown towards me.

One of the best things I do when I face new difficulties is that I look back on all my obstacles and see how I have always beat the odds. When I doubt that God will help me through, that doubt dissipates as soon as I focus on how God has provided for me and strengthened me in ways that I never could have imagined.

People often ask how I have gone through so many difficulties and still be so focused on God. How could I be so close to Him? How could I love a God who allowed me to go through everything I have been through?

My answer to that is that I have no other choice than to be thankful to God and to have a strong faith and belief in Him. To me, there is no other choice than to be close to God. There have been too many times in my life in which I beat the odds to say that there is not a God. It was not me that saved myself from the fire as a child. It was God who guided me and helped me to call 911 when I needed to. It was God who strengthened me and spoke to me as a child being abused. It was God who strengthened me after my suicide attempt, telling me that it’s okay and that He forgives me and loves me. It was God who has been with me through ten hospitalizations and has strengthened me throughout living with mental illness. It is God who will continually guide me and help me through whatever storms are on their way, whatever mountains there are ahead of me which I have to climb.

You see, I do not believe that God wants our lives to be ruled by our circumstances. I believe that God gives us the strength we need to go through them. He holds our hand as we walk through the valleys and when we climb the mountains. He is there every step of the way in our lives, no matter what comes.

I want to leave with a song called Unstoppable by Kerrie Roberts. This song came on a Pandora playlist I was listening to and it is currently on replay a lot. The chorus says:

Anything is possible, possible

You gotta believe and see

That love is unstoppable

You can never go too far

Never be too gone 

That you can't turn it around

-Kerrie Roberts, Unstoppable Lyrics

Fear into Hope, Darkness into Light

Fear.

Though it's a four-letter word, it carries with it a ton of meaning. This past week, our nation has been shocked by events that have caused fear to run through our veins, the very essence of who we are as a society and a nation.

Some fear is healthy and necessary. Lately, due to my numerous hospitalizations, I was fearful of losing my position at work due to my absence and my inability to complete all the work. That fear was healthy, in the fact that it allowed me to be prepared when I ended up losing my position this past week. Because I had mentally prepared for the loss of my job, I was better able to handle the loss emotionally.

However, the fear that has been instilled in so many of our lives after the attacks this week is, I believe, unhealthy. I believe that we should not have to live in a world in which we are afraid to go to the movies, go to school, or even run a marathon.

How do we pick ourselves up from these attacks which instill so much fear in us? How do we move forward to become a more peaceful nation and world?

I believe that it begins with each one of us.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; 

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

I believe that in order to move forward, we need to remember who our Creator is and though these attacks are becoming more frequent, we serve a God who is in control. He is more powerful than we can imagine. We can trust in Him through any attacks, whether on a personal or national level. I do not have the answers to why God would allow these attacks to happen, but what I do know is that God hurts with us, He was and is not absent, that He wants us to heal and is there for us as we heal.

Personally, I have put a lot of trust in God these past few days, having lost my job. I fully trust that He will lead me to where I need to go and what I need to do. I believe that this is not only applicable to my own life, but to all of our lives and our nation as a whole. No matter what, we need to trust God.

As someone who lives with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder, I often live in panic. I have a lot of fear not only during my nightmares and flashbacks, but also of when I will have the next one. On top of that, I have been having psychotic episodes due to schizoaffective disorder. At the onset of the psychotic episodes, I become very paranoid. I live in a state of fear that everyone is talking about me and conspiring to get rid of me.

Living in a state of fear all the time is not how God intends us to live. Just like it would be insane and unhealthy for Boston to have a complete shutdown all the time, it is unhealthy for us to be in such a state of fear that we emotionally and mentally have a complete shutdown.

That's just not how we are meant to live.

I believe that the peace in our world begins with each one of us. It involves praying for those who are in the affected areas of all the disasters and attacks. It involves donating blood or signing up to be an organ donor. It involves showing others the love of God and that the God we serve is not part of these attacks or disasters. It involves moving forward from these attacks in such a way that the fear doesn't rule our lives or our nation. We cannot give fear control.

We serve a God who heals. We serve a God who protects. We serve a God who picks us up. We serve a God who loves us unconditionally. We serve a God who is there each step of the way during recovery. We serve a God who is not just a God in the sky but One who is with us and within us.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."

-1 John 4:18a (NIV)

My prayer is that through each of us, God's love and light shines brightly to those around us. Whether or not you are in Boston, you can make a difference in the world.

In every interaction we have an opportunity to either make someone's day brighter or make it worse. Just this morning, I had an opportunity to make someone's day. I was waiting for the bus and there was a blind man beside me. A few buses came by and I told him which bus number it was after he told me which one he needed to take. When the correct bus came, I told him it was the one and he thanked me. This interaction took a matter of ten minutes, but I was able to help him and show that I cared. I tell this story not to say how great I am, but to show that we cannot just rely on the lawmakers to make our world more peaceful; we need to work together, with each of us playing a role.

How can each of us help each other through this darkness, fear and confusion?

Each of us needs to make the most of every opportunity and interaction to make a difference in this world.

More laws may help us but a more peaceful world honestly and truthfully begins with each one of us. Through us, the light and love of God can shine to make this world more peaceful and hopeful.

Stand Firm in the Silence

“So often I feel as if I’m zipping along, living my life, running hard to do God’s will- and then, out of nowhere, I lose my flow. I hit a spiritual low.”

-Steven Furtick, Greater

Life is not perfect. We are going to face difficult times. We are going to go through obstacles that we never planned. And sometimes we go through periods in our lives when we feel like God is distant and far away.

I know this on a personal level and I am sure you probably do too.

Having those times of God’s silence is normal. As I am not a pastor or a theologian, I am not going to say why we have those times, but I know that most people go through difficult times in their relationship with God.

When I attempted suicide in 2009 and was forced to take a medical leave, God used that time to heal me and our relationship. However, as I went back to school, my relationship with Him started to fade and become distant. It got to the point that one day, I posted on my Facebook that I did not want to hear about God from anyone. I was angry at Him. I almost doubted Him, even after He saved my life.

I believe that these times of God’s “silence” sometimes bring us closer to Him. If everything was perfect, why would we need God?

God can use anything to help us. Slowly but surely, my faith in God became stronger after this period in my life.

Most recently, I have been very close with God, but I have had a lot of setbacks. In the past few months, I have had a couple psychotic episodes which caused me to be hospitalized. During my most recent hospitalization, I felt very distant from God. I did not bring anything with me to the hospital except for my phone, which was taken away, so I had nothing to do. The hospital did not have any Bibles, so I was left with no way to really communicate with God except through prayer. Personally, I felt like everyone was giving up on me, since I had no visitors for the eight days I was there and the doctors were talking about placing me in a state mental institution. The longer I was in the hospital, the less hope I had in my future. I started to question God’s plan for my life.

But even in the times when I feel very distant from God, I know that He is intricately working things out in my life. He is constantly strengthening my faith even through the hard times. It is in those deep and dark times that my faith is tested. It is in those times that I truly have to lean on God to get through because I have no strength left. When I look back on everything I have overcome to get to where I am, I am overwhelmed as I see how God has given me the strength and courage to get through everything.

I believe that He works in all of our lives, whether we are close to Him or not. Whether we are a “good” Christian or not. You do not have to be perfect and without sin in order for God to love you. God loves each of us and He wants the best for us. You don’t have to do anything to receive His strength, grace or mercy. It is freely given. No matter how many times you fall down, flat on your face, He will pick you up.

For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.

-Proverbs 24:16a (KJV)

After I attempted suicide in 2009, I was told by the doctors that I may have a spinal cord injury and that I may never walk again. This past year, I was training for a half marathon and began to run 6 minute miles. When I run, I feel the presence of God very strongly. When I run, I am constantly reminded of how truly lucky I am that God protected my life and preserved my back. Running is almost a prayer to Him, thanking Him for all that He has done in my life and for protecting me. It is through running that I heal from my past and am drawn to God. I know that God preserved my ability to run because He knew that it would bring me closer to Him. Even when things look so dark, so dreary, so impossible, as if there is no hope left, God is intricately working everything out for our good.

“Maybe one day we’ll see that the greatest setbacks in our lives were actually the greatest setups to seeing God’s glory in places we didn’t even know to look.”

-Steven Furtick, Greater

My hope is that no matter what you are going through or what you’re dealing with, that you have hope that God has a plan. His plans for us are greater than anything we can even imagine.

No matter what, just stand in the firm foundation of God.

Transforming the Scars

“Only Jesus can make these scars beautiful. Only he can give meaning to them and bring healing to the hurt that lies behind them.”

-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound: Scars that Heal

There are a lot of difficult things going on in my life as I deal with emotional and mental scars from painful things I have endured throughout my life. There is so much power in the words above.

God truly can take our scars- anything that haunts us or harms us- and turn them into something beautiful. That is exactly what Jesus did on the cross. He was scarred so much that the scars were countless, and yet, a lot of healing and powerful things came from his death on the cross.

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” 

–Isaiah 53:5 (KJV)

I am not going to lie. It is really difficult to deal with scars. But with God’s strength, we can do anything. I truly believe that God will take this difficult point in my life and do something incredibly powerful through it. He already has transformed me in many ways.

A few weeks ago, my physical symptoms (the spasms and stuttering) stopped but I have had bouts of flooding memories. When this happened, I had countless memories of my childhood-some very negative, some very positive. However, sometimes the flooding memories become uncontrollable.

I have had even more repressed memories surface from years of abuse I endured as a child. Needless to say, it is very rough. I have a ton of scars that still need to be healed. I believe that God knows I am strong enough now to work through those memories and heal. I have a lot of hope that I will get through this point in my life and emerge an even stronger person.

I believe that everyone has some sort of scar that they carry. Some people have many. Everyone has some deep hurt. I am here to say that no matter what scars you are dealing with, God truly can transform that hurt into something beautiful. I hope that my life can be a testimony to how God truly can heal us from the deepest and darkest hurts.

Life is not about being perfect. It is not about doing everything according to plan. Currently, I am dealing with the fact that my dream of getting a PhD is going to be put on hold for now so that I can focus on healing. It is very difficult for me to deal with that, but honestly, I know that God has something great in mind. He has a great plan for each of us. I know there is a reason for everything.

We have to put our trust in God, knowing that He has our best interests at heart and that He has something great planned for each of us.

I am going to admit that it is really difficult to put our full trust in something greater that we cannot see. But let me also tell you that it makes life easier to deal with when you trust God. When you trust in God, it is much easier not to worry because you know that no matter what comes your way, He will be there guiding you all the way. There is a ton of comfort in knowing that He’s got your back and He’s not going to abandon you.

Let God transform your scars. Let Him make something beautiful out of the most painful and deep parts of your life. It’s not easy but it is definitely very powerful and encouraging.

I want to leave this post with one of the most powerful skits I have ever seen that shows how Jesus can help us overcome the negative things in our lives and how He can transform our lives.

Just Keep Moving Forward

In the past two days, I received some difficult news but I am very hopeful. 

Yesterday, on the morning of my 24^th birthday, I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This was pretty rough to take in because it is one of the most severe mental illnesses. It is the combination of schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder.

I was released yesterday from my tenth hospitalization in the past seven years. Since I moved to Florida last August, I have had multiple health issues and complications, including a head concussion, dystonic reaction (spasms and stuttering), bouts of physical symptoms, and two psychotic breakdowns.

During my psychosis, I am completely disabled. I hear voices and see things that are not there. I do not want to talk to anyone because I believe they can read my mind. I completely lose touch with reality. My psychosis is very difficult for me to handle because it is terrifying. I believe everybody is out to kill me. A lot of my delusional thinking is based off of my post traumatic stress disorder. Put simply, I do not function.

Which brings me to the news of where I am going from here.

The news is that I probably am not getting a PhD. Well at least for now. I am going to try to get a Masters by next fall. I will not continue with any research so that I have time to heal.

This news is quite difficult to take in, but at the same time, it is extremely relieving to me. The only thing that is unclear at the moment is my financial situation, but I am believing and trusting God. At this time in my life, I really need to work on my healing process, especially with the onset of the schizoaffective disorder. Not having the pressures of research will allow me to take time to really take care of myself.

One of the things I really hope to do is make people more aware of mental illness. The stigmas are very challenging to overcome. If someone has a stroke or a heart attack, people are much more supportive usually of them than someone in and out of hospitals with a mental illness. I think most people do not understand that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as any physical illness. People treat it differently. But it's not that different. My brain literally goes haywire. The chemicals are messed up. I take medications, but my mental illness is something I deal with every single day.

I believe that many people with mental illness, with the correct medications and treatment, can live healthy and productive lives. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to deal with my mental illness for the rest of my life. It’s not something that can be cured. It’s something I just deal with and keep moving forward. I’ve had a lot of issues with my medications especially since my disorders seem to be resistant to medication. But I just keep pressing on.

Sometimes God changes the directions of our lives. Sometimes it looks bad. Sometimes it looks really good. But we have to keep trusting Him. I have a lot of faith that everything will work out. I know that God will lead me to where I need to go once I get my Masters. Sometimes what looks really scary or is full of unknowns is really a huge blessing from God. I don't know where God will lead me from here, but I will keep moving forward.

The Incomprehensible Truth

The past few days have been very difficult, to be truly honest. I have had some hypervigilance and some points in my days in which I just completely started sobbing. Yesterday, before I went to the Good Friday service at my church, I spent half an hour in the shower weeping. As I weep, I feel a release of all of the burdens I have carried ever since I was a little child.

The mind and the brain are very interesting. Lately, I have felt that some people question my memories of growing up because of the fact that I had a psychotic breakdown a few weeks ago that led to my ninth hospitalization. But my memories are what led to that psychosis. Right before my hospitalization, I had flooding memories. Memories of nearly every part of my life, whether good or bad, just came into my mind and I could not stop it. The flooding was just uncontrollable. It was almost as if the neural networks in my brain were on overdrive.

As the memories came, I tried to piece them together, trying to make sense of them. Not all of them were new memories. As I tried to make sense of the memories, that was when the psychosis began.

When I was in the hospital, I thought that all of the other patients were people from all throughout my life. They even took on the voices of different people who have been in my life, people who I have not even talked to since I was a little child. Their voices were clear as day.

As I started to take the medications, the voices of the people throughout my life started to fade. The other patients and the doctors around me took on their normal voices and I “woke up.” I realized that they were not people from throughout my life. But the memories were still there and still are.

The reason I wanted to share this is because sometimes we want to know “why.” We want God to explain Himself, why He allowed very difficult things in our lives. If you watch the mass media after any disaster, they immediately try to figure out what happened and "why." As humans, I think that we always want answers, especially since so much information is available in our society. 

As my memories started flooding, I immediately wanted to explain everything. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth from lies that I have been told throughout my life. I wanted to know how all of those things could have happened to me for so long. I wanted to know why I felt like people were questioning the validity of my memories, which I have had my entire life.

But the more I asked those questions, the more I searched for the answers to “why,” the more psychotic I became. The more hypervigilant I was. The more other people questioned the validity of what my mind had pieced together with all of the memories.

Currently, I am still having a lot of memories. The other morning, I saw a picture from when I was in elementary school and the memories began flooding again. I still want the answers of “why.” Why was my family the way it was? How could all of that stuff happen to me? Where was God? Why did He not stop it? 

I still want to search for the truth. I still want justice to be served for the people who made my childhood and my life in general miserable at times. I want to know the truth, because I have been told many lies throughout my life, especially the last few years.

I read something very powerful the other day. Jesus even felt alone. He even felt what it was like to ask God where He was? Why did He not save Jesus on the cross?

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" -Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

I think that even Jesus felt frustrated at God. At the darkest time in Jesus's life, God did not show up and take His son off the cross. He allowed His son to go through a miserable death on the cross.

The more I think about everything, the more I am coming to realize that the truth is something that I may never know. Never see. Never understand. Never fully comprehend. I do not know if I will ever know or be able to understand and explain everything that I have been through.

Because sometimes evil is incomprehensible.

The most important truth is that I am God’s child, as we all are. The truth is that we are unconditionally loved by our Creator, even when we do not trust others on this earth to love us. When God says that He loves us, He truly means it. He means it in a way that I do not think anybody could mean when they say “I love you.”

When God says that he loves me, it is usually through nature. Every time I see a sunrise or a sunset, I hear Him say “I love you.” I do not actually hear a voice, but He speaks through the beauty of the clouds. He speaks through the beauty of a butterfly flying around me. He speaks through the beauty of a white bird coming to sit by me at the lake. That is how He chooses to comfort me throughout this difficult time.

Through nature, He says to me “I am with you through this storm. I will get you through this. Keep trusting me.”

I wanted to leave this post with a song that really has helped me in many ways, especially through this time of grieving my childhood and realizing some things about my past which I have either denied or kept in for most of my life.

At the most difficult times in our lives, I believe that we truly are called to “Cry Out to Jesus.” When others do not have the words to say to us in order to comfort us, He always has the words to comfort. He is the ultimate Comforter. The ultimate Healer. The ultimate Transformer.