Rebuild. Renew. Restore. Refresh.

"I have loved thee with an everlasting love: 

therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Again I will build thee, and thou shalt be built."

-Jeremiah 31:3b-4a

Have you ever had a point in your life when everything felt shattered and you are trying to fix everything? Trying to mold everything back together? Slowly picking up the pieces that once were your life?

I'm at that point in my life. This last semester was by far one of the hardest times in my life and I lost a lot because of the challenges I faced. I lost my graduate funding. I lost meaningful time that I could have spent creating friendships and building relationships. Sometimes it feels like I lost a ton of stuff I worked hard for.

During many points in my life, I have felt completely shattered. Pieces scattered everywhere. Confusion. Chaos. Turmoil.

But God is slowly but surely helping me to rebuild. Not only what was shattered last semester but what has been shattered throughout my life. Like trust in others.

I don't know what is going to happen from here. But what I do know is that I am blessed beyond belief. I have people who truly care about me and want the best for me. I am coming to terms with my trust issues and slowly allowing myself to trust others.

My doctor increased my antipsychotic medication two days ago due to paranoia I have been experiencing in the past few days and yesterday was the first day on the higher dose. To say it is a relief not to be paranoid is an understatement. 

When I am paranoid and when I am not seem like two separate lives. In one, I am terrified of people, thinking that the whole world is conspiring against me. In the other, I am at peace and I can put my trust in other people, knowing there are people who I can trust. Life is so different when I'm not paranoid. Paranoia causes a lot of chaos in every aspect of my life.

While I don't like to think about my psychotic episodes, it is a tremendous relief knowing that I remember them. 

Why? 

Because I can learn from them. I have seen different patterns in my thinking that leads to my psychotic episode. There is a rapid cycling that causes my stress and anxiety to build up to a point where I become extremely psychotic. My anxiety is very high. I have more flashbacks. I often experience moments of deja vu. Since I recognize the patterns and am more aware of it, I am able to stop it before it gets worse.

We can learn a lot from the mistakes we make or the trials we face. I think that's actually one of the reasons we have obstacles in our lives. We learn from them. It takes a lot to look back on the hard times and take away something that can help us in the future. But that gives the hard times meaning. Even though it may be hard to look back, God helps us to rebuild from those mistakes and obstacles.

I definitely feel like God is helping me rebuild my life. He is helping me restore, refresh and renew. It takes courage to rebuild. It takes strength to rebuild. But with God, nothing is impossible. I know that He has great and wonderful plans for each of us, no matter how difficult life may seem.

That's what keeps me going.

Life is all about turning to God. It is about learning about Him through all of the situations we are living.

I've learned that He is a gracious God who cares about all of us very deeply. He cries with us. He weeps with us. He carries us. He is there for us in a deeper way than possible with other human beings. He knows us.

God surely loves us and He gives us hope in the darkest of times. Even at my rock bottom this past semester, I knew that God was with me. Our God does not abandon us, especially in the times when He feels so distant. He never lets go of us, no matter how far away we feel from Him.

Most importantly, He helps us to rebuild after the storms. Just as we are trying to help the people in Oklahoma rebuild after the tornado, God helps us to rebuild our minds, our hearts, and our souls. He helps to restore us to a place where we are even better off than we were before the storm. And that is what makes me grateful for this past semester, even with all of the issues I faced. I am stronger than I ever have been before.

God is helping me deal with the hurt I have felt for most of my life. He is making me come face to face with some really intense and challenging things. He is helping me heal in ways I never could have imagined and every day, I am discovering more about myself and who He is. I am slowly but surely putting more trust in Him. I am learning to put my hope in Him and His awesome plans for my life.

Every breath that we have in our lives comes from Him. Every single breath. Our lives belong to Him.

So I'm gonna live my life for Him... No matter what I will face in the future or what I'm facing in the present. I'm gonna make my life count.

Every breath is His...