An Undeserved Kindness

The story that the sermon at my church was based on this morning was the story of the Good Samaritan. Many people know this story, about a man who was beaten and left for half dead. Two men pass by him. Then a Samaritan comes and helps him, showing mercy and love to him.

I was thinking about the message today and I realized that I don't think I realized how much mercy plays a role in my day to day life of being paranoid and schizophrenic.

The whole world is after me. The man sitting next to me is part of the FBI and they're watching my every move. They even had people follow me to my apartment so they know where I live. The man next to him on the other side is taking pictures of me, to help track me down. The more evidence, the better. The woman on the other side of me is mad at me for some reason, I mean, really angry... REALLY angry. She is glaring at me and staring at me. Everybody in the world is mad at me. Everybody hates me. I'm a nobody... scratch that, LESS than a nobody. I'm not even human. Why don't they do what I'm expecting them to do and throw me in the lake with the gators?

If you've ever wondered what day to day life with paranoia is like, the paragraph above is how I experience it. The paranoia and psychosis work together to create a cobweb of lies, doubt and terror.

I've come out of psychotic breaks three times now. Each time, there comes a point when I realize that nobody's after me and most of the things I had seen and thought were unreal. When I come out of a psychotic episode, I am relieved to find out the truth. I feel the merciful grace of God come into my life as I realize that I am safe and that I am going to be okay. It's a huge turning point in my disorders. It's also a huge relief. 

Nobody should live a life of terror.

To me, mercy is when we are expecting the worst thing imaginable and then it does not come. It's like living in terror but then a feeling of restoration and refreshment comes in instead. It is undeserved kindness and peace.

The Indestructible Hope

I was thinking about what I was going to blog about today, and the word “hope” kept running through my mind.

To me, hope is critical to life, especially a life that has meaning and purpose. Having been through so many difficulties in my life, I know I would be long gone if it were not for the hope God has instilled in me through my obstacles.

Hope is finding joy, truth and meaning in the obstacles of life. Hope is finding the light in the darkness in this world and in our individual lives. Hope is holding on to the promises of God, even when everything around us looks dim. It is that part of our soul that yearns for more of God, for more meaning. It is the part within us that cries out for God in desperation, holding on to His outstretched arms, waiting for answers to our prayers.

Growing up, my hope was that God would reveal Himself to me and help me to rise above my family situation. I prayed thousands of prayers asking Him to help me and guide me through the difficult times. I said thousands of prayers asking for God to help my family members.

My oldest brother, Michael, and I were close as children. He loved to take care of me as a baby.

We played countless hours of video games. My brothers absolutely loved to watch the Simpsons, especially during dinner time, which my mother did not really like or agree with. But my brothers watched it anyway.

I grew up with an acre of woods behind my home and we lived on a mountain, so our backyard was very steep. When it snowed, my brothers and I loved to sled down the mountain. We also used to swing on vines from the trees, twenty feet or so off the ground.

Mike especially loved to pull pranks on my other brother and I. When the Y2K bug was happening during the switch to the next millennium, my family gathered in front of the TV to watch the ball drop in New York City on New Years Eve. Mike slipped out of the room right before the countdown to supposedly go to the bathroom. We started to  count down and when it got to 1, all of the power in our home went out. My mother, other brother and I were very nervous and started to panic. Maybe the Y2K bug was real! Maybe the world really is ending!, we thought. Mike then turned all the power back  on, coming up from the basement with a huge smile on his face, laughing.

Mike loved trains. He worked at a train store. He built a whole village in our basement, with a train set that went through the village. During Christmas time, Mike used to set up a train set to go around the bottom of the tree. Countless hours were spent watching Santa go by in the train, around and around the bottom of the tree.

But...

The trains began to disappear. 

Mike started to forge checks and steal money. 

He got in trouble at his work. 

He eventually dropped out of high school. 

The brother I once knew left home. 

Numerous arguments between my mother and him occurred. 

Walls in the house were punched. 

Threats of breaking windows were made.

He was placed in an adult school at another high school at night. My mother and I went to drop him off in the dark of night. 

Then came the day when we found out that he skipped that school in order to hang out with friends.

Mike got involved with drugs big time. He started dealing. Every so often, my mother told me he was in this jail, that jail, this prison, that prison. The jail visits became so numerous that I lost count.

I felt like I lost Mike long before he committed suicide in 2007. The laughing, fun, exciting brother that I knew from my childhood became someone who was dealing drugs, who threatened people, stole from people. Marijuana, crack, heroin, ecstacy and countless other names of drugs became common terms in my home.

For years, I hoped, along with my mother, that Mike would quit doing and dealing drugs. We hoped against all hope that he would turn around. Many countless prayers were said, asking God to help him stop.

But Mike is gone.

Does that mean that God did not answer my prayers, that my hopes were not fulfilled?

Not necessarily.

I miss Mike all the time. Even though he abused me at various points while growing up, it was not entirely his fault. I understood that and I have forgiven him.

Because Mike died, a lot of my external family, which had argued and avoided each other until 2007, came together to mourn Mike’s death. Out of his death, my family united in an amazing way.

Since then, my mother and other brother have overcome their addictions as well. Mike’s death has made us all stronger than we were before. His death helped me to make a choice not to do drugs, deal drugs or drink alcohol. After his death, I gave speeches to students in different classes about not doing drugs. His death gave me the motivation I needed to get through college, something that I always hoped that I would do.

The point that I am trying to make is that sometimes we hope in things, but God may answer our hopes and our prayers differently than we expected. But we still need to have hope. We still need to try to make our dreams and our hopes become reality. Some hope for complete healing and they may not be completely healed. That does not mean that God is not working in their life in some way. It does not mean that God is ignoring us at all. It means that it may not be the right time.

Hope is that part of us that looks to the bright future which God has planned for us. Everything we hope for may not happen in this lifetime, but we are promised great things in our eternal life. That's why we strive to be as hopeful as we can be in this life. That's why we are motivated to make our dreams come true and give meaning to our lives. 

To me, there is no other choice than to be hopeful, especially in this world so full of confusion and darkness. We must not allow seemingly unanswered prayers stop us from hoping in great things.

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick"

-Proverbs 13:12a (KJV)

Walking Through the Valley Unafraid

I am going to admit it.

This life is difficult and we will face challenges.

The past two days, I have been very hypervigilant, particularly in the afternoon. Very jumpy. I jump at the slightest clap or loud noise.

But the greatest thing is that I was able to control my hypervigilance for the first time yesterday. I stopped it before it became a bigger issue.

How?

I reminded myself that God was with me. I said Psalm 23 over and over in my head. Whenever I’ve been having flashbacks lately, I have been reminding myself that God is there and He will never let me go, never leave me, never abandon me.

As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, I grew up in a very difficult family situation. I grew up knowing almost every police officer. I grew up hearing “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” I grew up watching my family being torn apart by violence. Threats. Punching walls. Stealing to pay for drugs. You name it, I saw it.

Part of my hypervigilance comes from not being understood or believed. This stems from feeling alone my entire life. I felt like nobody had my back, except for God.

I clung to Scripture because it has always given me so much hope, even in the darkest times in my life. When I felt alone, when I cried myself to sleep, I clung to the hope found in the Bible. I clung to the hope that there really is a God who loves me and my pastors at my church were really telling the truth. I decorated my room with Scripture. I read my Bible day and night as a teenager. I even gave a children’s sermon at my church on Youth Sunday. I went to church when nobody else in my family wanted to go.

Why?

Because there is so much power in God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. There is so much grace and mercy found in Jesus.

I broke down this morning. I was praying at church during a 24 hour prayer time as I looked up at a cross. It really spoke to me. Christ humbled himself and suffered for all of us. There is so much power in that. I do not know if I can really get it across in a blog post how truly magnificent and powerful that is. God loved us so much that He sacrificed His son.

Through my anxiety and the different issues I deal with on a daily basis, much of which is a result of my upbringing, I realize that we are truly never alone. No matter how alone you feel, no matter how dark your life feels, no matter how bad you think you cannot go on any longer, know that there is a God who loves you unconditionally. No matter what you’ve done or not done.

And he understands you…

I wrote this poem a few years ago when I felt very misunderstood.

I am

Was

Will be

Misunderstood

The pain

No one understands

The tears

No one understands

The fear

No one understands

The nightmares

No one understands

The flashbacks

No one understands

Reliving day after day

What made me

Different

What made me feel

weird

disgusting

Misunderstood

No one understands

But God

I can say all I want about God, but honestly I do not know everything about Him. What I have said in this blog comes from years and years of studying the Bible, listening to sermons, attending and leading Bible studies and just being in the presence of God.

But His Word, His truth, His strength, and His presence in my life is what has carried me this far.

It honestly is not by my strength. Yes, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. But God has continually saved my life, literally. He has been and always will be the only stable thing in my life.

When all else fails, He understands, He cares, He loves, He forgives, and most importantly, He helps me continue to move forward.

And He does the same for you.

“If God be for us, who can be against us?” –Romans 8:31 (KJV)

No matter what you’re going through, I hope you know that you can continue to fight, knowing that God is with you every step of the way.

There have been many songs on my playlist that have been on replay, specifically about overcoming fear so I wanted to share one of my favorites: Unafraid by Joy Williams

Faith in the Storm

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” 

–Matthew 16:24 (KJV)

As I continue to open up about my faith and the obstacles that I have had to face to get to where I am now, I have faced a lot of opposition. Lately, it feels like people, especially those who do not believe in God, are questioning everything I talk about regarding my faith.

I have talked to friends from all different faiths throughout my life, because I do not believe in blindly following something, especially someone or something I cannot see. I also love to learn more about different cultures and how different people live.

Many people think that once you surrender your life to God, your life will all of a sudden become super easy. Money will start pouring in from nowhere. Success will be yours.

However, as someone who has believed in God throughout my entire life, I can say that I feel like sometimes the struggles become greater when you surrender to God.

I believe that it’s not because He’s a terrible God. I actually think it’s because He knows what He is doing, even when it seems like He doesn't. I completely believe that He gives us challenges to mold us into who He wants and needs us to be. I want to share some of my favorite Bible passages that speak about how God works in our lives through the obstacles we face.

“Count it all joy, my brethren, when ye fall into various temptations, knowing that the proving of your faith works endurance. But let endurance have [its] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

–James 1:2-4 (Darby)

“Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” 

-1 Peter 1:6-7 (KJV)

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (KJV)

“we also boast in tribulations, knowing that tribulation works endurance; and endurance, experience; and experience, hope; and hope does not make ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by [the] Holy Spirit which has been given to us.” 

–Romans 5:3-5 (Darby)

God does not promise us an easy life. Jesus did not have an easy life either. He was persecuted, mocked, ignored, ridiculed, tested, bruised, broken and murdered so that we could be free. He was betrayed by one of his followers, Judas. He loved everyone, even those who hurt him deeply.

I believe that God allows certain things to happen in our lives and some of those things are evil because we live in a broken world. However, God helps us to get through the challenges and obstacles. He gives us everything we need to get through them, especially the strength that only comes from Him.

I would not be here without His strength in my life. I would not be typing this blog post. It is only by His strength that I wake up each morning and fight through another day, even when it feels like I have no strength left.

Through the challenges, we grow and learn so much more than if we had not gone through those challenges. As we go through the painful moments, sometimes it is so difficult to see what God is going to do through the storms. But He is always with us, especially in the storms of life. We never are alone.

It takes faith in the storms to keep going, to believe that a better day is on its way.

Ultimately, we know that good will overcome and be triumphant. Jesus conquered sin, death and evil on the cross. No matter how many evil things happen in our lives, we know that good will win. 

Because it already has.

With our faith, there is nothing that we cannot do.

Walked Among Us

"But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him,

    and by his wounds we are healed."

-Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

How powerful are these words?

As I read these words earlier today, I was overcome with a feeling of understanding of this passage that I have read so many times that I have never felt before. During this season of Lent, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on Jesus and His death and resurrection.

As someone who has both sinned and been sinned against in awful ways, it is so powerful to think that a man, God in flesh, died so that I could be forgiven. That all of us could be forgiven.  I often struggled with this idea when I was in college learning about science and engineering.

I often thought to myself, How could one man die for all of our sins, every single person on earth, in the past, in the present and in the future? How is that physically possible? How can I mentally wrap my head around that?

Through my doubts and questions about this most important concept in Christianity, I have come to believe that we are not actually meant to fully understand it. God is not to be fully understood in this lifetime.

As it says in 2 Corinthians 5:7, "We walk by faith, not by sight."

Faith is something intangible and so is forgiveness. We surely can see forgiveness played out in our lives and the lives of those around us, but forgiveness in itself is intangible.

And what I do know is that forgiveness for our sins as well as those of the people around us is a very powerful thing.

After eating lunch with my mom earlier today, she and I sat and we started discussing a book that I had finished reading last week that she had just started reading. The conversation became very serious but it was one of the most healing conversations we have ever had. I asked some really difficult questions that I have held in my heart, mind and soul for so long. She knows that I still carry some anger towards her and in my own way, I am slowly coming to terms with the obstacles I have faced. I also am finding that God is using every opportunity to help me forgive those who have hurt me as well as forgive myself. As we spoke and then prayed, I felt like a huge weight came off my shoulders. My mom and I cried with each other. But this was different. The tears were not of pain as much as they were tears of relief. I will never fully understand my childhood and all the challenges I faced as I grew up and still struggle with today.

There are so many questions that flow through our minds all the time that most likely will not get answered during our lifetime. However, we have the opportunity to believe that we are forgiven and that God can help us to forgive those who have hurt us deeply. He can also help us forgive ourselves.

I often find that it is more challenging to forgive myself than to forgive others. It's easier for me to make excuses for others than myself. The truth is that we all are forgiven by God and He yearns to show His grace and mercy in our lives.

No matter what sins you have committed or what sins were committed against you, I hope that you realize the power in the words above. Jesus came to live among us, to fully understand our temptations to sin, and to be crushed, mocked, beaten, abused, laughed at, and ultimately killed so that we would know that he understands our struggles.

It is so powerful to have a God who is so close to us, not just some man in the sky. God is so much more than that. He is both distant and near. It is so powerful to have a God who relates to us on so many levels. He could have come down to earth and lived a perfect life and died a natural death.

But He didn't.

He walked among us and He walks with us each day. He is within us through the Holy Spirit. He is all around us. He is in the people around us.

We all have pain. We all have struggles. It does not matter who or what you believe in. We all have obstacles that we have to deal with and overcome during our lifetime.

I forget where I saw this but I recently read that there is absolutely nothing that we are faced with in this world that Jesus did not go through or that He cannot relate to. That, to me, is so powerful. So wonderful. So amazing. We serve a real, authentic and genuine God. 

Personally, it feels so good to know that God truly and deeply knows what I am going through. He is all-powerful and all-knowing, yet He cares about us so much that He hurts deeply for us when we are in pain. God did not just create human beings. He knows what it is like to be a human being.

Through the struggles and obstacles you face, I hope that you never forget that no matter how alone you feel, we are never alone in the fight.

I want to end this post with a song that I listened to hundreds of times as a teenager when I felt alone when I was being neglected. The words of this song are so powerful and I pray and hope you are as blessed as I have been by this song.