Freedom To Soar

Today is May 1^st. And tomorrow will mark one month since I went to the hospital in April. Since January, I have been in the hospital four times, every single month. In three days, I will celebrate one month since I’ve had any paranoia or psychosis. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. (Just a tad?!?!?!)

Never mind... I want to scream it on the mountaintop. MY MEDS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today feels like a major victory and a major leap forward in the positive direction.

My mom and I talked briefly this morning on my way to a therapy appointment. I said to her during our conversation, "All I know is it's May 1st and I am not in a hospital." We both started crying, actually weeping for joy. If you have been with me through the battles in the past four months, you know why this is monumental. 

She and I talked about another miracle that happened a few months ago. A few months ago, I finally found the lake where I would spend much of my time in the past few months.

Birds have been a huge theme in my life. After my father left the house when I was six and I was recovering from his abuse, I came to love watching the movie “Fly Away Home.” It is about a little girl who loses her mother in a car accident and she falls in love with a flock of geese and helps them to fly. During the abuse that I endured as a child, I would often dissociate and imagine I was soaring in the sky like a bird. I felt like I was flying. That is how I survived and how I escaped the miserable pain. I would often have nightmares that I was being chased by “bad guys” but as soon as they became close, I would bend my knees and jump up, soon flying far away from them. I would turn around and look down at them, but the “bad guys” couldn’t fly so they were running after me on the ground. I can still feel the freedom that I felt as I flew through the sky.

During my time at the lake, I have spent a lot of time with wildlife. In March, there were a few weeks in which I would go to the lake, and at least one white bird would always come right up to me and stay with me while I was at the lake. One time there were about 9 or 10 of the white birds. Another day, I was at an opposite side of the lake and I saw hundreds of the white birds flying over the lake. My heart literally was leaping for joy. Every time I saw the white birds, my mind would be silenced and my heart would be full of peace and hope.

Except one day, my anxiety and paranoia got to be too much. There were 5 or 6 white birds above me as I walked around campus. They were hovering above me, just a little bit ahead of me. I knew I had to go to the hospital, and they literally guided me to the hospital. They hovered above me the whole way to the hospital. I don’t really remember anything about how I got to the hospital, just that those white birds helped me get there. I literally followed them to the hospital. Within a few hours of being in the hospital, I became catatonic. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. My body went into complete shutdown. I often wonder what would have happened if I had not followed those birds, if they had not guided me.

Now some of you may think this story is crazy, that maybe I hallucinated those birds. I kept this story hidden  inside for a few weeks, kind of because I was both in awe of what happened, but I also did not think that anyone would believe me. My mother even said she had been hesitant to ask me how I got to the hospital. The doctors were shocked that I even made it to the hospital in my condition. But I choose to tell this story about the birds because it is a true miracle, and not the first miracle God has done in my life. Also, I saw other people looking at the white birds. I know other people saw them. I had grown to love those white birds in the weeks leading up to my hospitalization.

Since I got out of that hospitalization, I have not seen the white birds as much. I feel deeply that God brought them to me at exactly the appointed time that I needed them. They brought me calm, peace and hope at a time that I desperately needed them. They were there for me.

For me, birds have always signified freedom. The freedom to soar above the storms of life. The freedom to overcome difficulties and hardships. The freedom to live through another day, no matter how difficult it is. The freedom to just be, to just soar, to just fly.

For many years, as I was being abused, I did not have that freedom. I barely had any freedom whatsoever. But as I continue to move forward, into the future that God has planned for me, I continue to feel more free each and every day. I continue to feel free to soar over my storms. I feel free to be who God called me and who He continues to call me to be.

As I celebrate a new month and a new chapter in my life, I celebrate with the birds and I celebrate the freedom I have in Christ.

What It Means To Follow Him

I just finished listening to the first three sermons by Andy Stanley. If you have time on your hands this summer, I would highly recommend listening to the series of Follow sermons.

In his second sermon in the Follow series, Andy focused on a familiar Bible story, one that I have heard many times and on which I gave a children’s sermon as a teenager. It is when Simon is told by Jesus to cast down his nets, after Simon had just given up for the day, unsuccessful at catching any fish. But nevertheless, Simon casts the nets down and they catch a ton of fish, so much so that the nets begin to break. Going through this miracle, Simon then says to Jesus, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” (Luke 5:8 (NIV))

As Andy talked about this story, he said that Jesus asked Simon to do something he had done hundreds and thousands of times before, but to do it differently. He made the decision to follow Christ's direction and witnessed a miracle.

As I was listening, I thought about all of the miracles that have occurred in my own life, the moments that have made me wonder why Jesus loved me so much even though I am a sinner. Most of my closest times with God occurred when I did something that I had done many times before but I did it differently.

For example, many of you know that I go to the lake a lot. When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in nature. It calmed me and allowed me to survive many difficulties. Throughout my hardships in life, I always spent time in nature because it helped me to feel and see God. It helped me to experience God in a way that is very tangible. As I watched the birds soar in the sky, I imagined that I was one of them, soaring above the obstacles that I was facing, with my arms stretched out wide. But lately, I have been asking Him to reveal Himself to me through nature in a way that He never had before.

Some may know this story. When I was feeling really anxious and upset a few months ago, I went to the lake. God told me to look up and I saw a white bird fly across the sky. My anxiety literally was washed away, almost like it just evaporated. I saw white birds a lot over the next few weeks. 

My psychosis got very bad and I literally followed a flock of white birds to the hospital, where my body completely shut down. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days and I still wonder how I got to the hospital. Once I got out of the hospital, I didn't really see the white birds anymore, until two days ago. Through this situation, God revealed Himself to me in a mighty way as my protector. He told me that He can use anything, including white birds, to save my life.

Am I surprised that I saw a ton of white birds at the exact time I needed to or that I was surrounded by them during my darkest time?

Not at all.

God uses everything and anything to help us on our walk with Him in His perfect timing.

Throughout my childhood and years growing up, I spent a lot of time praying to God. But until last October, when I fully and completely surrendered my life to God and His will for my life, many of the prayers were from my head and not my heart. Last October, I felt the call of God and I knelt on my knees, sobbing, telling God that I wanted to surrender my life to Him. I had heard many times about surrendering to God but October was the first time I really meant it with all of my being.

Is it any surprise that the day after I surrendered my life to God that I suffered a head concussion? Or that the doctors gave me a medication that caused me to have dystonia and I fought to overcome that for the next eight days? Or that I would be hospitalized five times since moving here last August? Or that I would be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a few months later? Or that I would be fired from my job?

Not at all.

Because when I prayed that prayer, I asked God to humble me. I asked Him to rid me of my pride. I truly surrendered my life to Him, with all of my soul, all of my mind, all of my heart... with all of my being.

When I had dystonic reactions, others mocked me, laughed at me, doubted me, made fun of me… Not being able to talk without stuttering was incredibly humbling. Losing my job had to be the most humbling experience of all because it was where all of my pride stemmed from. I thought I was the smartest PhD student that ever lived… But this semester, I learned that I am not. I learned what it means to fully rely on God’s strength to get through the day. I learned what it means to have lost everything but gained everything at the same time.

Isn’t that what faith means? Isn’t that what following God entails?

Just because we follow Jesus or have faith does not mean that everything will be a-okay and perfect. Trust me when I say it will not be perfect.

But it means that though we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we know that God goes with us. We know that even if we lose our job, even if we face chronic illness, even if we do not know how we’ll make it by financially, we know that God cares about us and that He will never fail us. We know that He holds our lives in His hands and no matter what, His strength will carry us through. We don't just know these things. We feel them. We see them. We believe them. They are part of our existence and our precious time here on earth.

If you ask me how I am different than who I was when I first moved here and started graduate school, I would undoubtedly say that I feel closer to God. I have had to depend on Him in ways that I have never had to before. I have cried out to Him. I have questioned Him. But I spend more time with Him than I ever have before. I do things differently and even though I have faced tremendous difficulties and I am walking into the unknown, I follow Christ. To me, there’s no other choice.

The Ultimate Lifesaver

“Faith is an integral part of the movement through fear, and faith is the leap we make into the unknown, even when we’re not so sure about the light.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

Some may ask how I could put my faith in something I cannot see. When attacks and disasters occur, I often am asked how I could trust a God that allows bad things happen to good people. How could I believe that something or someone truly cares about each one of us if they allow such horrible, awful things?

I have survived years of severe abuse, neglect, and homelessness. I lost my oldest brother and grandfather to suicide. I struggle every single day with schizoaffective disorder and relive my past traumatic experiences through flashbacks and nightmares due to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Trust me when I say that I have often questioned God, but He has proven over and over that He does care, even though He has allowed awful things to happen to me.

The only reason I am still living and why I am still fighting through each day is my faith and trust in God.

Having faith means putting our trust in God, even in the midst of great suffering. In those moments when our lives are shattered. In those moments of frustration and anger. In those moments when we do not know how or if we will move forward. In those moments when we do not know how we can piece together the million shattered pieces of our life.

Faith is not letting our circumstances ruin our lives. Faith is not allowing our fears and doubts destroy our lives. Faith is putting our hope and trust in God, even when He seems distant or that He's ignoring us. Faith is finding the light in the darkness.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen.”

-Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)

As I look back on my life, I am amazed at how God has guided me and strengthened me. It is so evident that He has been and still is intricately piecing my life together. He helps me every day to pick up the pieces and help me cope with my past. He was there when I was abused, neglected, and homeless. He is with me every time I have a flashback or nightmare. He helps me through my paranoia and psychotic episodes.

Being a scientist, engineer and mathematician, I often look for evidence to support a hypothesis or a claim I have made. In the same way, I constantly look for evidence of God in my life. His love and light are so evident in my life that anyone could tell me there is no God and I would not believe it.

When I was 6 years old, I was left home alone with the stove accidentally left on. I went all around the house, trying to figure out how to stop the fire or how to get outside the house, but I ended up having to call 911. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died in the housefire.

When I was 20 years old, I attempted suicide and the police told me that I was very close to dying. Not only that, but I very narrowly escaped a severe spinal cord injury due to numerous fractured vertebrae in my spine. It was really difficult to pick myself up after such a serious attempt, but I thank God every day that I am still alive.

Growing up, I watched everyone else in my family get involved with drugs and alcohol. I watched each of my family members be arrested for dealing drugs or abusing drugs or alcohol at various points during my childhood and teenage years. At the age of 24, I can say that I have never done drugs or drank alcohol. I also have never been arrested.

The most recent event in which I really saw God’s provision in my life was when I was at the lake a few months ago. I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, in which we had a very serious conversation. My anxiety was running very high, so I went to the lake to debrief and calm down. When I got to the lake, I saw a white bird and immediately, I felt the anxiety wash away. Over the next few weeks, I saw many white birds and when I did, my anxiety was always calmed. Eventually, though, my psychosis started. I followed a flock of white birds to the hospital. No joke. I followed them the entire way. When I finally got to the hospital, my body started to shut down. I became catatonic and did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. I still do not know how I got to the hospital, except that I followed those white birds. They literally saved my life. I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had not followed them when I did. Even the doctors were surprised about how I got to the hospital.

If you take anything away from this blog, I want you to know that we can put our faith in God because He will never leave us or forsake us. He was there with you in your mother’s womb and He will be with you at your last breath. We serve a God who never abandons us. No matter how distant he may seem, He is there for you. Always was and always will be.

Many of you know that I love music and that music helps me to cope with stuff. Well forgive me, but I am going to end this post with a Justin Bieber song (yeah, I know...). But the chorus of this song actually relates to how life can sometimes feel with God. Sometimes it may feel like we are drowning in the chaos and twists and turns of life, but God is our ultimate lifesaver.

I'm overboard and I need your love, pull me upI can't swim on my own, it's too muchFeels like I'm drowning without your loveSo through yourself out to me, my lifesaver-Justin Bieber, Overboard lyrics

Rising on Eagles' Wings

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I will fear no evil: 

for thou art with me; 

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

-Psalm 23:4 (KJV)

I have been repeating this line over and over in my head for the past few weeks.

When I was six, I was left alone for a little while as my mother went up the street to check on my older brothers. I noticed and smelled smoke. My mom accidentally left the stove on. As I frantically tried multiple options to get out of the house unsuccessfully, I realized that my only real option in order to save myself and my home was to go to the kitchen, where the fire and the smoke had originated. I realized that I had to go to the worst room to be in at the time. I went to the kitchen, turned a trash can over, stepped on top of it and called 911 just in time.

Right before my most recent hospitalization, I was having memories flashing through my head at all hours of the day. Many people say that before they pass away, their whole “life flashes before their eyes.” It was like that, but it was not flashes. It was constant videos of both good and bad times in my life and it was uncontrollable. I had memories from as early as three years old and they were extremely vivid.

Sometimes what it takes to move forward and heal from traumatic experiences is to go back to where it all started. Sometimes it takes going back to the deepest and darkest parts of our lives. Sometimes it takes coming face to face with the events in our lives that we never wanted to think about.

For most of my life, I have held everything in because that was the only way I really felt that I could move forward. People are usually shocked when I tell them even some of the stuff that I have dealt with at the surface level. I learned early on that I had to pretend that everything at home was fine when it really was not.

This is a completely different stage of my life though. I know that if I really want to move forward and save my life, I need to come to terms with everything I have gone through. Because I have gone through so much, these few months have been very overwhelming. In fact, having the flooding memories so intensely led me to become catatonic during my last hospitalization. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days.

But I am still here. I am more ready than ever to cope with everything in my life. I am ready to find the answers to the questions I have always wondered, the questions I've held deep inside my soul. I am ready to move forward in a way that I have never moved forward before.

More importantly, God is with me as I “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” When you and I walk through those deep, dark places in our lives, He walks with us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. There is not one second of our lives where God is not there guiding us, loving us, providing for us, helping us cope, and strengthening us.

Without God, I can definitely say that I would not be the person I am today. Without the struggles I've faced in my life, I would not be the person I am today. In some ways, I’m thankful for some of the struggles I have faced. I would not be as strong as I am today. I think that through our obstacles, God gives us a lot of wisdom.

As I am going through this very challenging process of delving deep into the dark parts of my past, I have realized that those moments are dead to me. But God is breathing new life into those moments. He is showing me how He helped me get through all of my obstacles. He is showing me where He was in the situation, something I have wondered a lot. He is showing me that even though I felt like He was absent, He was there. He is showing me that He never stopped loving me, even through the moments that I felt like nobody loved me. He is showing me that He gave me and continually gives me the strength I need to go through everything. Through Him, I am becoming a new person.

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: 

old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

-2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)

Many people know that one of my favorite animals is the eagle. One of the main reasons is because I found out that eagles wait for a storm. They feel the winds and then once the storm comes, they use the winds of the storm to rise above the storm. In the same way, I have tried to use those difficult times, the turmoil inside my mind, body and spirit, to rise above everything that I have ever had to face. Sometimes we need to go through the "windy" parts of our lives before we truly can move forward. Sometimes it feels like we are being tossed all around, but God holds us even in those moments. Through Him, we are standing on a firm foundation even in those moments.

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs that speaks about rising on eagles’ wings…

Fly Away Home

I was asked this morning, “Do you think everybody has to understand what you’re going through in order to love you?”

And this got me thinking.

All of my life I have really been alone. My family did not understand me. I did not feel accepted by them at all. When I was 13, I found out that I was a “mistake” and that I was almost not even born.

I shared a part of the white bird story with my mother and the person I had been talking to earlier this morning that I did not write about. I have shared about the significance about the white birds quite a bit this past week. But there was something that I did not share about that moment. In that moment, when I looked up at the white bird flying across the lake, I had been reading about the enemy’s strongholds.

I have lived for most of my life pretending that the things I was going through were not happening. When the bad memories come back, I am usually overcome with shame and guilt. That’s when the first set of lies come into my mind… “You’re not good enough,” “You’re stupid,” “This is all of your fault.” The first stronghold I have been dealing with is that shame and guilt.

The second stronghold is the one that has been most apparent in my life recently, which is the complete opposite: pride. I have overcome so much in my life and when I start to think about everything I’ve overcome, I’m overwhelmed with a sense of pride. “I did it all by myself.” “I must be one of the strongest people.” And that is where I think all of this started.  I began to think that I had to be more than God already has made me to be. It was in my quest for all of the answers to why my mind was the way it was, why the things that happened occurred, and why the things of this world are the way they are that I lost sight of who I really am and that I do not have to know everything. I have joked about building time machines and other devices and those were jokes. But the truth is I do understand physics, mathematics and engineering. But I also have been deeply hurt and God is helping me through this in a way that nobody else can.

I really do have the intense memories I do. I really could not control my spasms and stuttering. But I spent all this time trying to get people to believe what I was going through and when I gave that up and went back to the source, God, is when the physical symptoms and the anxiety stopped. That is when I started to see the white birds and the yellow butterflies.

I know what has happened in my life and I know what I experience. I know what I remember. Nobody can go into my mind and see what I see. Others will not understand how God uses nature to help me through this healing process. Because they do not have to understand.

I watched the Fly Away Home video that I posted about 5 times yesterday. I have watched that movie so many times yet I never realized the great significance and symbolism in that movie until yesterday. I do not even know if the people who created the film meant what I am going to say.

The beginning of the movie starts in the dark. The girl and her mother are talking and her mother gets distracted and the next second you know, there are headlights and the car is in a million shattered pieces.

When we get distracted from what God call us to do, from who we are, from the path that God has planned for us, and we do not see the light of God, we tend to crash and our live can feel like a million little shattered pieces.

The girl wakes up in the hospital and she sees her father. She realizes that her mother has passed away and then she moves to her father’s house. She goes to live with her father and she has to deal with the loss of her mother as well as her new home with the father she did not really know that well.

When God calls us to do something, it may be in our time of healing and it may be out of our comfort zone. It may be in a place where we feel absolutely the least comfortable.

At her father’s farm, she watches these people who want to get rid of the trees. They want to damage the environment and in doing so, they create danger for the birds on the farm.

Sometimes we lose sight of God’s creation. This is something we are currently doing to our world today. Our forests are quickly becoming smaller and are now known as “conservation” parks, whereas they used to be a huge part of the world, not just something that needed to be conserved. Animals as well are becoming endangered and in danger of becoming extinct.

The girl takes care of these eggs and she helps them to grow up. She becomes one of them, so much so that they look to her as a mother. They follow her everywhere. She is literally the only person or thing that these birds will follow.

The same thing happens in our lives with Christ. We can get distracted by the stuff of this world- the fame, the want to know everything, to understand anything, etc. And people try to find comfort in alcohol, drugs, money, you name it. But the only thing that gives us the freedom to fly in our lives is following God.

The girl and her father create this plan to help teach the geese to fly from their father’s farm South because they will not be safe where they are. Everybody who they talk to thinks they are absolutely out of their mind.

Sometimes God calls us to do absolutely crazy things that nobody else could even understand. Noah and the ark ring a bell? Everybody else around Noah probably thought he was crazy but he was doing what God called him to do.

Many of the scenes of them finally flying in the sky after months of preparation are of all of these places that we see in our world: they fly over cities, over farms, over various different places. People all over these various places look up and feel excitement as they watch these birds and the girl and her father helping them to fly.

The same goes for being a witness to God. People see what God is doing in our lives and hopefully they feel excitement. And they look up to God. Not to us, but to God. They see us soaring in the sky, above the storms, above the people shooting at us because they think we’re something we’re not (there were some people shooting at the geese). When we are a witness to God, it is never about us. It is about shining God’s light in our world.

The father and the girl touch down due to an accident with her father’s “bird plane.” They bump into this woman who invites them into her house to stay the night.

To me, this woman represents the people in our lives who are in our lives but for a moment, but they are necessary to come into our lives in order for us to continue our journey. It does not matter who they are or how long they stay in our lives, but they make a profound impact.

The scene that makes the most sense to me right now and as I watched this clip yesterday is the father waiting. He stands there waiting. And as he and this crowd of people who are fighting with each other over whether to tear down the trees and get rid of the environment for the geese, he just waits there.

This is how I believe God is waiting for all of us. In the chaos that our world is, with the constant arguing over politics, the environment, etc, we lose sight of the one who really holds our world together. As the girl soars to her final destination to meet her father, the battle over the trees is won and the geese find their environment as well. In this, I find the meaning that we are supposed to take care of this earth as much as we can until God finally calls us home. And until then, we are called to soar over the storms in our lives, whether it’s financial hardship, disabilities, losses, or just other strongholds.

I apologize for this really long post. I have watched this movie over and over again, but all of this came together right now as I am writing this.

I pray that whoever God wants to read this will read it and that those who do read it join with me to shine God’s light in our world in a way that has never been seen before. Share the unconditional love that Christ showed to all people on the cross. This goes for every single human being on this earth. I do not care who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve done or not done… We need more love in this world.

This earth is not our real home. And until we "fly away home," we need to take care of each other and bless each other in what we say and do to each other, but also to ourselves and all of God's creation.

Amen.

Resilience and Peace

Last night, I had a difficult time falling asleep. But unlike most nights, my mind was not overflowing with worried thoughts. Instead, my mind was overflowing with positive memories of something that God has been using to bring peace into my life…Birds.

This song kept coming to my mind last night and this is a song that I have listened to hundreds of times. I used to listen to it and sing it all day long, in the same room where so many of the most difficult times in my life happened. To me, it has always been a reminder that God is always there. Because God is love.

Listen to Twila Paris singing "Love's Been Following You."

As a Christian, I have often been asked when I first believed in God. I have never really been able to pinpoint one point in my life when I knew or when I completely surrendered my life to Him. He has always been a huge part of my life. I have definitely had periods when I have felt closer to Him than others. Sometimes He has seemed as far as He could possibly be, and in those times, doubt crept in. But fortunately those times of doubt usually were very short because God always brought me back. Not because of anything anyone else said. But because of things that He did in my life.

When people have heard my testimony, one of the first words that they say is “Resilience.” I have heard this word a lot throughout the past few weeks. While God has always been a big part of my ability to be resilient, I think the actual first time that I truly devoted my life to Him and surrendered everything to Him was last October, the moment I was praying on my knees asking Him to take my pride away. Ever since then, no matter how difficult things have gotten, I have never lost my hope and there has not been doubt about how He is working in my life.

I had so many nightmares as a child and unfortunately, I can remember quite a few of them. I had quite a few that had variations but I was always being chased by something that scared me. I was overcome by fear and the closer these “bad guys” got to me, the more afraid I became. And there would always come a point when I would bend my knees and jump and I would quickly be soaring in the sky. Sometimes the sky would be dark but most times, the sky would be light as day. I would just fly until my eyes opened and I was back in reality. I am not sure but maybe this is why I have always loved birds. I always wanted to fly like them, to feel the freedom that I felt in those dreams.

The bedroom I grew up in had three windows and it was in the front of the house. There was a huge tree right outside the window. I am not sure how old I was, probably around 9 or 10. I would have to ask my mom, but one day, a bird started to build a nest in that tree. Every day, I would spend a lot of time watching this bird and its babies. I cannot explain what it was like for me to watch the bird take care of its babies and then there came a point when the birds became old enough to try to fly. I was honestly scared for them. They were so little and I feared that they would try to fly and fall and get hurt. No words can really describe my excitement when I saw them fly. I also became sad, because I came to realize that all the time I had spent watching them grow up and transform was coming to an end and that nest would soon become quiet as they flew away.

In the second house I lived in right down the street from the first home I lived in is my second significant memory of a bird. Although this bird was not real. Yet it has still had a profound impact on me to this day. My family argued a lot as I grew up. One night, my mom and brother had their worst argument that I had ever witnessed and at the end of it, my brother came into my room. He gave me a bird sculpture that he had created. He may not have known it at the time, but I felt that through that gift, God was telling me that I had to let him go and give him to God. My brother ended up leaving that night and then my family became just my mom and I. I grew up watching my family literally fall apart. My father was the first to leave, then my oldest brother left, then my other brother left, and then my mom left for a period and it was just me. My brother often apologizes for leaving me when I needed someone. But I am not mad at him, as I am not really angry at any of my family anymore. Of course, I have been angry at them all before, but God has helped me transform that anger into peace and forgiveness.

Over my many years of talking to doctors, therapists, friends, and pastors, many people have come to know that the verse I have thought about the most throughout my life is Isaiah 40:31, a verse that represents “resilience” in a way that is so true and real to me.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.” 

–Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Eagles are supposed to represent strength and resilience. I read once that they also often fly alone. They are known to wait for a storm and once the winds pick up, they use the winds to rise above the storm. I have shared this with so many people and one of my doctors recently told me that whenever she sees an eagle, she thinks of me.

The third home I lived in is right near a lake. We moved into that home after many months of living out of a suitcase. As I shared in another post, I lived in about 8 different homes over a period of a year or so.

God used that lake to transform and heal me through some extremely difficult times. It was at that lake that I met two swans. Every summer, I would walk around that lake watching the babies of these swans grow up. For many years in a row, I would be deeply saddened as I watched the babies slowly disappear. Year after year, none of their babies survived. This past summer, however, they had eight babies. I prayed every time I saw them and my heart was full of joy as I watched all of them survive this summer. I had a chance to visit them when I was home for the holidays. It was like visiting another family of mine.

What I learned through watching these swans was to never give up, especially on family. These swans went through the worst of the worst together, including Hurricane Sandy. There were so many times that I saw the parents protect their babies against people as well as the geese who also inhabited the lake. I have been extremely angry, upset and disappointed with my family at times, but I have never lost hope in them. I never stopped praying for them. I have asked so many of my friends to pray for them that I often felt like a broken record. But I knew that God would work in their lives and do things that I could not do myself.

My mom and my brother have come a very long way and we are learning slowly but surely what normalcy is, if such a thing exists.

Now as I am healing, does it surprise me that God would yet again use birds to speak to me or teach me a lesson? Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I was at my lowest point. I absolutely thought nobody was there for me and I felt completely abandoned. I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. But I posted on my Facebook asking for prayer. I ended up walking about 4 or 5 miles to talk to someone I knew could help. I do not remember how I walked that far, except that I literally felt like I was being carried. I said “I need support. I need help.”

That day, I found the lake that I have spent the majority of my time at over the past few weeks.

This past week, I was extremely upset. So I went to the lake to cool down. My anxiety was extremely high and negative thoughts were flowing through my mind. I was listening to Pandora and all of a sudden, I felt this urge to look up. The second I looked up, I saw a white bird soaring and my anxiety and the thoughts just stopped… Abruptly stopped. I was overcome by a peace and calm that I cannot explain with words, something you have to experience to understand.

I called my mom and told her and I said it was a white bird. She kept asking me if it was white. I got frustrated and asked her why she kept asking me if it was white. I told her I know white when I see white. She told me she wanted to make sure she heard me clearly and explained that white birds are a symbol of peace. I did not put it all together until I remembered what I had grown up hearing about the Holy Spirit.

I have seen so many white birds this week since that day and every time I do, I am filled with that same peace and calm. Nine of them actually flew and landed close to me yesterday during the sunset.

I want to end this post with a video of my favorite movie of all time, “Fly Away Home.” When I was younger, I used to watch this movie so many times that my family thought I was crazy. One time I rented the VHS tape from the library and watched it 5 times in one day. They asked me, “You’re still watching that?”

At the beginning of this movie, the girl loses her mother in a car crash, one of the most difficult things that a human can endure. She finds peace and meaning in her life when she finds these geese eggs on her father’s farm. She takes care of the baby geese as they grow up. My favorite scene of this movie and the reason I can watch this movie so many times is at the end when she flies with the geese to their final destination after a very difficult journey over many miles.

This scene always makes me cry, not of sadness, but of great joy because throughout my whole life, this scene has always been a scene of overcoming the most difficult moments in our lives. It is in this scene that she finds peace with the loss of her mother and realizes the meaning in her life.