A Freedom Worth Fighting For

On this beautiful Memorial Day, I have been thinking a lot about freedom.

"Nothing I do to myself or is done to me by others, no abuse or apathy, nothing that has happened or ever will happen- including death- can separate me from the love of God. That love helped me to forgive, releasing me from my painful past- just as that love has helped so many other forgive and find freedom."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Interesting thought.

Castaway Kid is a memoir of Mitchell's struggles of growing up in an orphanage, not feeling cared for and feeling abandoned. When he grew up he struggled with forgiving those who had left him to live in the orphanage. I related to Mitchell on many levels, even though we have not gone through the same things. I had fought a few times to get into foster care, but was always stopped. Like Mitchell, I have trouble knowing exactly what a real family is. My idea of family has in some ways been ruined. Trusting others is almost an impossible task.

At this time in my own life, I am struggling with forgiving my father and mother.

How could I forgive my father, who abused me for so many years, who lies to this day about the abuse? How could I forgive my father, who made my life so miserable as a child that my therapists say I shouldn't even be able to function? I've had therapists tell me that I shouldn't function the way that I do. I function pretty well, but I still struggle with the flashbacks. They say I am a true miracle. Quite a few have said that my story is the worst they've ever heard, not really something that makes me feel better.

How can I forgive my mother who neglected me throughout my teen years because she chose her drug dealer boyfriend and alcohol over me? I know she's getting better, but how do I forgive when it feels so painful to this day? Hurt like that runs deep. It's hard to explain what it means to be a teenager who is ignored. Who is taught that drugs and alcohol are more important. I often would see other families when I was growing up and envy them, wishing my family had some normalcy. Wishing I had people who cared about me. Truly cared about me. I thought that being in a foster home may give me more normalcy, but that never happened. I still deal with abandonment issues and feelings that others don't really care about me since I was told on many occasions throughout my life I am worthless.

Freedom isn't always something that just comes. Neither is forgiveness. Sometimes they are something you have to fight for. Isn't that what we are celebrating today? We are celebrating those who fought to give us our freedom.

Freedom is not always free. Sometimes you need to fight in order to be free. Sometimes you need to go through a battle to achieve freedom. And in many ways, I feel as if I've been through many battles. But I've survived. My oldest brother did not.

Sometimes that battle includes forgiving others.

I've often struggled with the idea of "Honor thy mother and father." I've had people say that I need to reconcile with my father and honor him. They have no idea what my father did to me. I have only let a few people into most of the details of my past and even still, there are details I've withheld. Some things are too evil to talk about, even if I relive them every day.

But I do believe that freedom can come from forgiving those who have hurt us. And it's not just a one day ordeal. It's not like I can just say to my father "Oh I forgive you!" No way.

For me, I know forgiveness is going to take a long time. Because I was hurt for many years. In fact, I was neglected and abused for a great majority of my life. That's one of the reasons I have a difficult time in social situations, especially those in which I have to relate to others. Sometimes I feel as if I grew up on another planet. So the progress is slow. It is something I might always deal with. But I still move forward.

"All I could do to honor the woman who birthed me was to forgive her. It was time to stop holding onto resentment, time to move forward."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Moving forward takes determination. Forgiveness takes strength and willpower. It means that the past no longer controls the present or the future. And that's not easy. Especially when I have PTSD and flashbacks that occur all day long, every single day. But it means that I move into a future in which I am free, no longer chained down by the abuse and neglect. No longer chained down by my past. My past is part of my story but it is not who I am.

The chains that have held me prisoner for so long are slowly being torn apart. I have been finding a strength and resilience within me that I never knew existed. And I am walking into the light and freedom.

Freedom is worth fighting for...