Feelings Hidden Within

Something has been on my mind lately. I'm going to the dentist soon.

I see how others look at my teeth. Anybody who knows me knows that my teeth are not in good shape.

I know people make fun of my teeth. I see their stares. One memory hurts the most. 

I was walking to my dorm a few years ago on Halloween and a guy came up to me with his friends and he said "Oh, are your messed up teeth fake?... Oh, wait a minute, those are your real teeth!" He laughed and walked away, with his crew laughing with him. Every time I think back to that encounter, it hurts deep within. I do not think he knew how his words hurt me deeply.

Little does he know that I survived years of severe abuse by my father, in which he treated me like an animal. I can't even look at dogs without being reminded that I was treated less than human for so many years. The memories come back to me each and every day. I avoid dogs as much as I can. Not because I'm scared of them. But when I see them, I am reminded of the abuse. I am reminded of my feelings hidden deep within, the feelings of unworthiness and shame. The feelings that I am less than human.

Little does he know that I was neglected for years by my mother, the person who was supposed to care for me the most. She wasn't around to make sure I was taking care of myself. During my teenage years, she chose her drug dealer boyfriend over me. She chose drugs and alcohol over me. And it still hurts. How could she care about someone else more than me? How could she care about drugs more than me?

Little does he know that I come from a poor family, and we didn't have enough money to go to the dentist as much as others. Little does he know that no matter how much I wanted to get braces, my family could not afford them.

Little does he know that I spent many years of my life trying to understand why people treated me like I was less than human. If you're treated like you're nothing for long enough, you start believing it. It wears you down. It invades every part of your life. I've taken in a lot of negative thoughts regarding myself due to how I was treated as a child and a teenager. I still have trouble taking care of myself sometimes, because I grew up with people who had a hard time showing love to me. If they didn't care about me, why should I?

I was damaged as a child, and each day, I still am recovering from that abuse. It is not an easy road at all. I wish people would not judge me on first glance, but that they would understand. I wish more people understood how truly damaged I still feel, especially as I relive the memories each day. I wish they wouldn't just write me off the minute they see how I look. Because there is more hidden behind my looks than one first impression can give. There is turmoil and beliefs that I am not worthy of love or to be cared about or to be treated like any other human being. Because that's what I grew up being taught.

Each new day it gets easier. My mother has come a long way and is helping me.

Slowly but surely, God is healing me and the hidden, hurt and damaged child within me. I want that little girl to know that she is loved and will be loved, not judged or made fun of. I want that little child to smile again. To smile without being stared at or mocked. I want her to laugh again.

More than anything I want her to find hope again. I want her to find the light that God shines through the darkness and turmoil within our souls. I want her to see that light and shine.

I want her to know what it means to be loved.