Talking To God

Two people complimented me on my photography yesterday, a friend and my brother.

I wanted to share something I wrote this morning to my brother, because it sums up what it means to me to be a photographer...

"I've never taken photography classes or read a book. It's like God tells me to look up and I do and I see the most magical, beautiful scenes. My photography is how God speaks to me, how He lets me know He's here with me. I got back into photography when I was manic and psychotic and when I went to Lake Alice in Florida. It helped me get through that time, because I captured the beauty of the lake through my photography. I look back on those photos and I remember what God was telling me. It's a gift, one that I am most grateful for. The only trick is to look up when God says to."

To me, photography is not about capturing the perfect shot. I rarely ever take a photo again. It is about enjoying this life with God. It is about experiencing God. It is about having a deep conversation with God about whatever is on my mind. It is about letting God know what is on my mind as well as letting God speak to me in a way only He can.

The clouds, the birds, everything... God speaks to me through all of it. And when He tells me to look up, I do, because the way He speaks to me is through the beauty of nature and what He has created...

Lately, I have figured out how to use the panaromic function on my iPhone camera, so I have been using it. It is just another way to capture the complete beauty of this earth. Here are some photos...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is what I woke up to...

Yes, that's frost on my window....

In Florida...

And then I checked the weather online...

Um

..........

I guess I'm not thankful for the weather today. Except that I keep reminding myself that in a few weeks, I'm moving back to New Jersey and the frigid cold.

So I might want to get used to it again...

So anyways, what am I thankful for today?

Hmmm...

I am thankful for my family.

My uncle Frank, my aunt Joyce, me and my mom

Me and my brother Andy, nearly a year ago

I am thankful that I survived a fall of about 30 to 40 feet a few years ago. I am so grateful to still be alive and able to make a difference in the lives of many.

Me in the hospital after my fall.

I am thankful for Lake Alice and that it has helped me to heal and find God throughout my challenges during my time in Florida.

Lake Alice

I am thankful for the opportunity to get my Masters in Biomedical Engineering, so I can help others and make a difference in the lives of many.

Me working on cancer research in 2009

Most of all, I am thankful to God for making a difference in my life, healing me, restoring me, giving me new chances, and bringing me through difficult times. I am thankful for another day in my life.

Be Strong and Stand Firm

I dropped my iPhone last night while talking to my brother. I think I dropped it really hard because it broke. I quickly activated my old LG Android phone, which still works. I am extremely thankful for that phone because if I did not have it, I would have nothing to call my mom and brother. I talked with my mom last night, which was a huge blessing.

However, I may have lost some photos. I say "may have" because I'm going to a phone repair store today or tomorrow to see if they can fix my iPhone.

One of those photos was of something I came across at the lake that I was going to post today...

There is a place at the lake where you go through a wooded area and come out to a clearing in which there are benches. People like to write their names and stuff on the benches.

Here's a photo I found on my computer of the wooded area and the benches...

One such person wrote that this spot was their "quiet time" spot and they wrote the Bible verse "1 Corinthians 16:13." When I first read this, I was so excited because I realized I was not the only one who found the lake to be their "quiet time" with God.

Yesterday, I looked up this verse while coming across the photo with the verse on it on the way to a quiz.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong."

-1 Corinthians 16:13 (NIV)

I never met this person who wrote this verse on the bench, but as I read this verse last night, it was a great reminder for me to "be strong and courageous" as I face the last few weeks of graduate school. I am very thankful I came across it yesterday before my phone broke.

May it be a verse for you as well to remind you to stand firm and be strong.

Finding God

"Affliction can deepen our knowledge of God, bringing us into greater intimacy with God."

-Barry Black, The Blessing of Adversity

I read this quote and again, I was thinking about last semester.

Most of the semester, I thought everyone was after me. I heard voices say I was an awful person. When I was on the bus, I thought people were talking about me. I thought people thought I was lying about the abuse I endured as a child.

But through it all- through all the trials- I found God and He helped me through the storm.

For those who don't know, I found God at Lake Alice, a lake on campus. The first time I walked by it on the way to therapy, I knew it would become my new home. I found God in the birds, the trees, the sunrises, the sunsets, the butterflies, and the gators. I went to the lake nearly every day last semester. At the lake, I found peace in the situations I was going through. It is no overstatement to say that the lake quite possibly saved my life.

I surely am going to miss Lake Alice when I move home to New Jersey. I have very fond memories of Lake Alice, even in my toughest moments last semester. I spent many hours sitting reading and just listening to God. Throughout my toughest times, I found God.

Passions

Yesterday, I sifted through thousands of photos I have taken over the past few months to upload to my blog. As I looked through them, my passion for photography was reawakened. Again, I saw the beauty all around me, in the sun, in the birds, in the lake...

You see, the medications I am on have stifled my creativity in a way. Most of the photos were taken when I was manic (hence, the thousands of photos). In many ways, I miss my mania. I miss that creativity. My mother and I were joking yesterday when I told her I looked at a few of my posts that I published when I was manic and they were really REALLY long.

But even despite losing a part of my creativity, I want to get back into photography. It is a huge passion of mine because through photography, I am able to capture the beauty of God's earth through capturing simple things that are majestic and beautiful. I find so much meaning when people ask me where I took my photos and I say "the lake you pass by every day" and they are surprised.

God gave us all passions. For some, it's sports. For others, it's singing. But God gave us each something to be passionate about. And to me, that's beautiful. I believe we are all called to follow our God-given passions. We are all called to celebrate our passions and our differences. Our passions are a part of who we are and how we were made in Christ.

Step By Step

As a photographer and blogger, I try to take photos that represent my faith journey. I took the photo above a few days ago and it is supposed to represent my faith right now.

In many ways, I still feel imprisoned by fear, anxiety and my past. I am on my way to freedom, but I’m not there yet. It’s on the other side.  I feel as if I am on the verge of becoming free. I can catch glimpses of what it means to be totally free, but I’m still trying to process everything. 

In the photo, you can see shadows of the stuff on the other side of the fence, but you can’t make out exactly what it is. In some ways, it represents my confusion. Most of the other side is dark- the unknown. Sometimes the unknown is terrifying. 

But peeking through the fence is light, just like how the light of God shines into our darkness and confusion. He brings clarity to our confusion and chaos.

I just went out for a walk to try to calm down from yesterday. I had Kari Jobe’s “One Desire” on replay the entire walk. I love the chorus:

“In your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You’re the breath in me

You’re my everything.”

Every time I listen to this song, I can feel the Lord’s strength inside me. I feel enveloped by His presence.

My anxiety was high for most of yesterday but it was better than on Sunday and it tended to get better by the end of the day. I feel as if the cloud of depression is lifting. At this point, I’m just taking it day by day and my goal is to stay out of the hospital. With severe mental illness, you never really know what will happen. There is a lot of unknown. At any point, my mental illnesses could worsen or get better.

Step by step and day by day.

Conversations with God

“Prayer is the process of shedding out lies, our masks, and our inhibitions, and standing in God’s presence as we really are- neither proud nor ashamed, simply accepted and loved and heard.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Do you pray?

I pray but not usually with my head bowed down and my eyes closed.

You see, I believe that God hears us whether or not our head is bowed down or our eyes are closed.

He hears us all the time, whether our words are eloquent or not.

Last year, I volunteered as a prayer minister for a prayer hotline. I prayed for about 10 people every shift. My first time on the hotline, I was absolutely terrified. But I prayed before I started. Every time my shift started, I prayed for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. And He did. Many people who I spoke to cried after I prayed and told me I said exactly what they needed to hear. It certainly wasn’t my own doing.

I believe prayer is something absolutely beautiful that connects us to God and the Holy Spirit.

I pray every time I go to the lake. God uses everything at the lake to speak to me. 

The flowers...

The water...

The birds...

The trees...

The clouds...

The sunsets...

I believe part of prayer is opening up ourselves to be able to listen to God through the many ways He speaks to us. There are endless ways He can speak. Every day, I am astounded by how God speaks to me.

Prayer is a conversation with the One who made this world, the One who created each of us. He cares for each of us and we are not too little for Him to ignore.

Prayer is powerful.

Flower in the Mud

When I was growing up, someone close to me referred to me as a "flower in the mud."

What does it mean to be a "flower in the mud?"
I think it means that we find our beauty despite the tragedies around us. We grow and thrive despite setbacks and failures. We know who we are and we are confident. We may bend in the wind and the challenges that surround us, but we never break or fall completely over. We stand our ground.

As I heal from many years of abuse and neglect and as I move forward despite multiple mental illnesses, it's important to remember the beauty in the fight. To fight through and rise above what God has brought into my life is a tremendous feat but there is a lot of beauty in the struggle.

I have taken quite a few photos of flowers around town and I want to share them. Flowers are quite remarkable- how something so beautiful can grow even in the mud. It is awesome how different they are.

Embrace the beauty in the simple... Embrace the different... Embrace the struggle.

Sit With Me For Awhile

I went to the lake this morning. I haven't been there in a few weeks and I definitely was due for some lake time. As I walked around, I took photos because it was absolutely beautiful. Photography is my way of expressing myself and I want to share the following poem that I wrote as I walked around the lake this morning.

Sit with me for awhile.

Listen to my story.

This is what I'd tell you.

I'd tell you how I have felt broken inside,

that every part of me couldn't go on.

I felt like I couldn't fight any longer.

I'd tell you about how my life has been twisted at times,

never knowing what will come next.

I'd tell you how I put my faith and trust in God in those times.

I'd tell you how God brought beautiful things into my life

when I most needed them.

He brought me to gorgeous places

that helped me be come closer to Him

and to continue the fight.

I'd tell you of how His light has shone brightly 

in my darkest and most twisted times

I'd tell you about the many hours I have spent sitting alone

contemplating the beauty and awe of God.

I'd tell you I'm amazed about how God has shown Himself.

I'd tell you that sometimes His light shone so brightly

that I was overwhelmed by His goodness, grace and mercy.

I couldn't help but see His works in my life.

I'd tell you how God shines through

even the most simplest of things on this earth.

I'd tell you His beauty is everywhere,

all around us.

I'd tell you of how I felt so small

and I've seen how big God is.

I'd tell you how I learned what it meant

to become a flower in the mud,

rising up against all the odds.

I'd tell you that life is worth living,

no matter how hard it gets.

Experiencing God

I'm in the process of figuring out student loans, financial aid and my housing for the Fall today. It's been in the back of my mind to get all of this done and figure it all out, but in a way, I've been avoiding it because, as we all know, paperwork is LOTS of fun (sarcasm at its greatest). But the more I figured it all out, the greater I felt. The more the weight came off my shoulders. The unknown became known, the questions were replaced with solutions, no longer just something in the back of my head that bothers and nags me. That lingering anxious feeling.

Figuring it all out can be very chaotic, but sometimes it's not just enough to trust God that everything will work out. Sometimes we have to do some footwork to get things going. It's not like loans come out of the sky. We have to do some work to get there. Sometimes we need to take care of business.

Meanwhile, I just started my 12th book of the summer, Walking With God by John Eldredge. He talks about the fact that intimacy with God is our main point of living. Intimacy with God isn't just about being a good person and questioning our motives with the question WWJD? (What would Jesus do?) Intimacy with God is much more than that. It is talking with God, hearing His voice, listening to Him speak, listening to the Holy Spirit's guidance. 

Lately, I've been thinking very philosophically. Maybe it's because I spend so much time in nature, exploring God's creation, but I often wonder about the meaning of life. What is the purpose of our lives?

I mean, do you ever wonder why we try so hard in this life to be the best when we are just floating on a sphere in a great wide space. I often feel like there is more to life than the day in and day out, the hustle and bustle of life.

That meaning is found in a deep relationship with God. It is found in the intimacy that we can experience with God.

I don't believe our meaning in our life comes from getting straight As or being the best. It doesn't come from having a lot of money or a high status in society. Mind you, this is coming from someone who has gotten straight As. I have spent years, just like most people, trying to get to the top.

What for?

Isn't there more to life?

As I've mentioned, I'm taking this summer off from school and as I do, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. We are only offered life once and I don't want to waste mine. I want to give my life meaning by changing this world somehow.

My pastor and I had a conversation a few months ago and she said something that I've been thinking about lately. I often said that with my PhD degree, I wanted to do something great in this world. She looked at me and said, "You're not going to do great things. You are already doing great things now."

We must make the most of every opportunity today, in the present. We must strive to make a difference each day in this world. Bit by bit, day by day, if each of us makes a difference, then this world will be a better, more peaceful place.

Our intimacy with God plays a huge role in how we live our lives.

Intimacy with God is a huge priority in my life. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I try to spend as much time with God, talking with Him, as I can. The majesty I have seen in His creations is unbelievable. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes my life worth living, no matter how difficult it becomes. Living on this earth experiencing God is beyond anything I have ever experienced. It gives a meaning to my life that I have never felt before.

Each of us has an opportunity to change this world and experience God more deeply.

I want to leave you with some photographs I took over the past few days of clouds during sunrises and sunsets. Whenever I look up at the clouds, I am always in awe of the beauty and the artistic qualities in them. Each day, the sunrises and sunsets are different. Each day, God creatively arranges the clouds so beautifully. Each day, I am reminded that God is so powerful and that He formed this whole universe.

Take time to enjoy your life and to make a difference in this world...

A Walk around the Lake: Part 2

Today is the Mental Health Month Blog Day, in which bloggers everywhere are contributing posts to increase mental health awareness. This is my contribution:

Lately, I have truly been overwhelmed by the ways that God is healing me. God is renewing me, restoring me and refreshing my life in so many ways and on so many levels. Everywhere I go, it seems that God teaches me something new about me, Himself and the world. It's so overwhelming how much I am learning but I will try to post as much as I can.

A few days ago, I realized something. Something amazing. I realized that I walked by a police car without thinking they were after me. I walked by it with no thought, other than the fact that it was a police car. My mind wasn't running a mile a minute. Anxiety wasn't running high. It was just a cop car. I hope you realize how monumental this is. Many of you know that I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For the past few months, I have been afraid that the FBI was after me. Honestly, I am amazed that I was even able to get my schoolwork done. I was afraid of every cop car. I cringed every time one went by me. At one point, I even went to the police to ask if they were after me. Paranoia can make you do wild things. Trust me. I have more stories from where that came from.

But as I walked by the police car, I felt a sense of peace and calm. I didn't realize how accustomed I had become to my paranoia. It was just something I dealt with, just like the endless flashbacks I deal with on a daily basis. I have not dealt with the paranoia just for the past few months, but for the past few years. The earliest paranoia I can remember was in my junior year of college, around the time of my attempt. Back then, I had the same paranoid thoughts that the police were after me and that I was being followed by the FBI. As I realized that the paranoia is gone, I felt such a relief. It is so freeing not to think everyone is conspiring against me.

I went to the pond yesterday and I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I went on the swings.

While I was swinging, I listened to music. As I rocked back and forth, I realized how fortunate I am. I don't know when my next "paranoid or psychotic attack" will come, but I made a promise to myself that I will live each day to the fullest. I will live each day as if it were my last. As my mind is battling constantly between mental illness and normalcy, I want to make sure that each day I embrace life as it comes. I want to have fun, instead of letting the mental illness rule me. Mental illness isn't the end of the world and I am slowly learning to live with it. It is not the end of the world. This life comes with many challenges, but we always press forward in the hope that comes from God.

I took another walk around the lake this morning so I have more photos to share. 

The first is of a tree with vines around it. Vines always remind me of the John 15:5: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (NIV)

As Christians we are called to be with God in a constant relationship. But as we all know, there are rough times in our lives when we don't feel as close to God as we do at other times. But God is still at the center of our lives, cheering us on, holding our hand and helping us through. Even when He seems distant, He is within us and around us every second, every minute, every hour, every day and every year of our lives.

The next picture shows a path being lit up by the sun while everything around it is dark. In many ways, I feel that this represents how we live on this earth. There is a lot of darkness in our world, but on the cross, Jesus showed us the path we are to take. In all of the darkness, there is a path lit up by the Light of the world. We have hope because of Him. Because of Him, we press forward into the lit path. No matter how dark life seems, there is always a path through the darkness.

The next photo shows the sun shining through a tree and the sun's reflection on the water. To me, it shows how the light of God shines through our darkest times and in turn, we are able to reflect God's grace, love, hope and peace to others. Through God, we have the power to transform the world around us. Through us, the hope of God can light up this world.

The next photo shows the blinding power of the light. It is supposed to represent how truly transformative and powerful the light of God is in our lives. His light and love have the power to overcome anything in our way. I know this on a personal level because God has carried me through unspeakable and difficult circumstances. I am here because of what God has done in my life. I want to spread His truth because I know the power that lies within it.

The last photo is of a reflection of the sun on a window. To me, this signifies the blending of the light of God into our every day lives- into our churches, into our schools, into our workplaces. The light of God isn't just something you find on Sunday morning; it is something you find everywhere and in everyone around you. It is within each of us.

Allow the light of God to shine within you and in every crevice of your life. Allow it to spread throughout this world...