Huge Leaps Forward

Where do I begin?

My path for the past few months has been extremely rocky and difficult. With five hospitalizations during my first year of graduate school, I didn't know if I would ever get better. But today I am celebrating. For two reasons.

First, May is the first month that I have not had any hospital visits this year. To say that this is a huge accomplishment is sort of an understatement. I was scared last week when I was paranoid but after calling my doctor and getting an increased dosage of one of my medications, the paranoia went away. I knew that if I waited any longer, I might end up in the hospital. So I stopped it before it became a huge issue. This was a huge step forward for me. In a lot of ways, I am extremely fortunate that I recognize the warning signs. Some people with schizoaffective disorder don't remember their episodes so they cannot piece together the pattern of their paranoia and psychosis.

Second, I was offered a job. To say that it is the perfect job for me at this time in my life is quite an understatement as well. It is only a part time job and I'll be doing some stuff that I have a lot of experience doing, so it will hopefully be less stress. It is stuff I enjoy and I am really looking forward to it. It is something I could see myself doing well and enjoying it while I do it. I had been stressing about my finances, since I recently lost my job and I lost my fellowship, which included a tuition waiver, a stipend and insurance. I basically felt like I lost everything. I've been putting full trust in God.

I am very excited to be turning into a new chapter of my life, hopefully a less chaotic and more stable chapter in my life. It's kind of bittersweet because I know people who are going through some very difficult times with their health and I want to give them hope that things can get better.

Though things seem crazy and the world looks upside down, if you hang in long enough, there really is green grass on the other side. There is a chance to break the cycle and to move forward. A few months ago, I never could have imagined how far I've come. I thought I'd be in and out of hospitals for the rest of my life. But yet, its' been almost 2 months since my last hospitalization. And every day, I wake up and try to put the pieces together.

During my psychiatric appointment this afternoon, I saw one of my doctors from one of my hospitalizations. The first words out of his mouth were "You look so much better." Trust me when I say I feel better. Being paranoid is a whole different world.

Slowly but surely, my life is becoming better and things are looking up. There is always hope.

Always, always, always.

For some odd reason, I've been in the mood for country music so I want to share a song that is ringing true for me lately. It's Keith Urban's God's Been Good To Me.

Challenging the Past

Woooooo... I am trying to recover from an intense but good therapy session earlier this afternoon. It was challenging because I talked about some of the details of the abuse I endured for most of my childhood.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was six years old. I owe my life to the many therapists that have helped me get to where I am and were there for me when my family was not. They have helped me get further than I ever thought was possible. Honestly, as a teenager I didn't know if I would make it to 18 years old. I was thinking about that earlier this week. I realized I'm 24, an age I never thought I'd get to. I thought it was out of the question.

Therapy to me is an opportunity to open up the doors to the deepest, darkest areas of your life that is hard to let anyone else into. It is a chance to try to figure things out and make sense out of the nonsensical. I personally don't like therapy unless I'm challenged in some way. I like therapy to difficult, not just going on and on about the surface stuff. Unless it's one of my first sessions with a new therapist. I like when my feelings are challenged, those dark thoughts become more positive, the lies destroyed and become seen for what they are.

While I have been in therapy for as long as I can remember, I have never actually gone through all of the details of the abuse. We always had other things to talk about like neglect, my family's alcohol and drug abuse and homelessness. But today I opened up about the abuse. When I opened up about some of the stuff I remember, it was hard. And therapy can be hard. I believe it's supposed to be difficult sometimes. It's through therapy that you grow and become more of who you are and less of what is in your past. You open yourself up to growth, change and transformation.

One of the things that surprised me about therapy today was that my therapist asked me for the details. She asked questions as I shared and I have to admit that I'm not used to that. I'm used to people just taking my abuse for what it is and not questioning how I feel about it. Most just feel terrible and don't say anything in response, because I think for most, the details are very hard to hear. 

But with my therapist, I'm not just spitting out the gritty details but there was a conversation. She asked me things that really made me question some of my beliefs and feelings. And it was helpful. In many ways. There is someone helping me make sense of the feelings I have. The anger. The frustration. The confusion. The terror. The shame.

I think the fact that most people don't say anything in response to the details of my life comes from the uncomfortable feelings that come up when one talks about an awful past full of abuse, neglect and homelessness. People just don't know what to say. I think many people don't know how to respond. And I admit that if someone came and told me the same life story, I might not know what to say.

But I wish that people didn't feel bad. I hope that by sharing about my experiences that people don't feel pity towards me but that they see how God has carried me so far. I hope they see the miracle that I call my life. Because I've made it further than I ever thought possible. I hope that they know that the impossible truly can be possible. My hope in sharing my journey of healing is that I can let others know that healing is possible.

Tomorrow will mark the end of the first month (May) that I have not been hospitalized this year. And that is a huge step forward, more like a leap. Huge progress. And I am extremely excited. My life has gotten to the point that I celebrate every good day when it comes. A good day is a huge step forward. And I have had a good day today.

Moving Ahead

I don't normally blog twice a day, but I wanted to talk about a few things that I have read this afternoon that opened my eyes.

"All of our lives and all of our pain cannot be blamed on someone who neglected, abused and hurt us."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

I admit that I tend to focus on the hurt that has done to me. After all, I was abused for 7 years and neglected for 3 years. Add to that the fact that I have PTSD, in which I relive the trauma every single day. Needless to say, I feel entitled to be angry about my past.

But I really do have a choice.

I can either let my father, who I haven't talked to or seen in years, continue to rule my life or I can move ahead into God's plans for my life. 

Sometimes I blame him for everything that has happened to me, but moving forward is up to me and more than ever before, I want to move ahead. I don't want to let the flashbacks rule my life anymore.

I do not think I have fully forgiven my father for everything he's done. Sometimes I still feel angry about what my mother did. I admit that forgiving may be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But it's a step that I need to take in order to live a fulfilling life.

Sometimes I pray for my father. I do not hate him. In fact, I do not hate anybody. But I also do not like him. I may not know why he did what he did to me, but I know that he is not all bad. I know that there has to be some good in him, even if I cannot see it. And I do wish and hope that he knows about God. I want him to know that God has forgiven him, even though it may take some time for me to forgive him.

"Every one of us has messed up, and we are all fellow strugglers. When we acknowledge this, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take a little focus off the evil done to us, and put a bit more emphasis on the reality of today and our current struggles as fallible human beings... Without this hurt, life would still not have been a piece of cake, because we, in and of ourselves, would have sinned and made mistakes and fallen short and messed it up in other ways."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

The last sentence really struck me. I always blame my horrible childhood for making me feel so hurt. I blame my father for almost ruining my life. But the truth is that we all are imperfect and no matter how much we try to live a perfect life, nobody can. We all fail and make mistakes. Sometimes I focus on how evil the stuff my father has done to me is without realizing that I am suffering because of my own imperfections.

A few months ago, my mother sent me something that talked about suffering. It basically said that we have the choice to continue to suffer or to move ahead. At first, I was frustrated that it seemed like she was blaming me for my suffering when I believed I was suffering because of what my father did. But really deep down, to come out of suffering is to change how we see what was done to us. It takes courage to leave the past behind us, especially such a difficult past. It is about realizing that we live in a fallen world and that we have a choice about how we want to live our lives.

All I know is I want to move ahead into God's beautiful plan for my life. I am done being stuck on the negative events of my past. I want to truly heal and I want to forgive.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Talking Back to the Negative

As I'm reading a book about reframing, I wanted to do an exercise in reframing some of my negative thoughts. To do this, I wrote down some negative thoughts that I've thought and then I'm writing back to those thoughts what I believe to be the positive truth. I wanted to share this because others may have the same thoughts. Sometimes we get stuck in the negative and it's important to get out of it.

"It is our choice how we see things and the light we allow them to cast upon our lives."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

I deserve what was done to me as a child. There must be something wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. Nobody deserves to be abused or neglected by their parents. It was something that happened to you, not because of you. Absolutely nobody deserves to go through what you went through, and you are very strong because of how you overcame all of it. I know it's hard to understand why all of that was done to you, but know that it wasn't because of you. In fact, God knew that you would be strong enough to overcome it.

Nobody cares about me.

First of all, God cares about you, deeper than anybody you will ever meet. And His love cannot be earned. Second, there are many people in this world who care deeply about you but sometimes your past has tainted how you see their love. Because your parents' love was often conditional, you have a hard time understanding unconditional love, but know that there are people who care about and love you without hidden motives. Open yourself up to that love. I know it's difficult to trust, but open yourself to love.

I am an accident, a mistake.

I know that you often feel like a mistake because of all the negative things in your life. You wonder why God would bring you into the world if all of this stuff was going to happen. Didn't He know? But the fact is that you were born and you are a miracle. Not a mistake. Or an accident. You've made it through some of the most difficult circumstances a human can go through and you've risen above them. And that's how I know you're not a mistake. I know your parents have treated you like you were an accident by not being there when you needed them at different points in your life, but that was their mistake. It had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with them. And you can learn from their mistakes. You can continue to rise above, reminding yourself that God makes no mistakes.

It's easier sometimes to just give up the fight.

I know that you have attempted to take your life at various points in your life, but know that you should not give up this fight. God had a reason for bringing you into this world. God has wonderful and amazing plans for your life and you won't get to know what those are if you give up. No doubt that giving up is easier than fighting but I know that you are strong enough to continue on the path before you. Keep staying on the path. Keep fighting. Keep overcoming the struggles. Do not give up. Don't give in. I know you have the strength and will to live within you. I have seen you fight through the seemingly impossible. I know you can do it.

Things are always going to be extremely difficult.

Not necessarily. Try to stay focused on the positive. Look at how far you've come despite your challenges. Yes, your challenges were difficult but you learned from them. Life is always going to have some challenges, but that doesn't mean your life is always going to be bad. By the way, your life isn't all bad. You've met some great people. You've found a strength inside that you never knew existed. God continually uses your challenges to help you to grow and become who He wants you to be. There are reasons for the challenges in your life. You may not always understand it, but one day you might.

Reaching for Hope

"No matter what anyone did to me or took away from me, he would restore it. I had hope that even the worst pain could be transformed into something of value in my life."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

I'm currently reading a book about reframing. Reframing essentially is looking at an event, most likely a negative event, in our lives in a completely different way. Maybe looking at it from the point of someone else. Maybe taking our eyes off of the hurt and pain we feel to look at it from another point of view.

As I am reading, it is helping to deal with my past. It is helping me to remember that my life is not all bad. It is how I look at my life that matters. The people in my life who hurt me are not all bad. Yes, I've been hurt badly. But I survived. And I'm moving forward. Yes, I deal with flashbacks and intrusive memories. But I am still here. I am still fighting. I still have a chance to have a great life, regardless of what was done to me while growing up. But I can't move forward if I'm stuck in the past. I can't move forward if I still am bitter about what has been done to me.

Easier said than done.

Sometimes we focus our energy so much on the hurt that it takes everything out of us. We get pulled down. And I believe that's where the enemy wants us. While God uses the bad situations in our lives to make something good and something of value, the enemy wants to tear us down and make us miserable. He wants us to forget what God has done. God has continually given me strength and courage to fight through some intensely bad things in my life.

When I focus on the past, I am easily overwhelmed.

And that overwhelmingly bad feeling is not what I was meant to live with. I was meant to be more than a conqueror. I am meant to live as a survivor not a victim. But when I dwell in the negatives of my past, I'm giving them power. I'm giving the enemy power to bring me down. I'm giving my father control over my life, control he doesn't deserve. He doesn't deserve anything from me.

I know that many have told me that my story is the worst they've ever heard. I've lived a life with unspeakably bad things, with things I've been told that nobody deserves to deal with. But you know what's worse? Not knowing God. My life actually isn't that bad. I am thankful every day that I know God and that I know He can help me through anything that comes my way. If I didn't know God, I wouldn't be here. I know He can help me overcome the memories. He can help me overcome the pain and hurt I still deal with. He gave me the strength to go through them.

I am so lucky to know God. Fortunate beyond description. Because knowing Him means that I don't have to live as a victim. I am a survivor because He has helped me get this far.

My mom texted me this morning and said that she's amazed that I graduated from college. Many people who know the details of my abuse (which are only a handful of people) have said that it is a miracle that I function. I thank God every day that I can function well despite years of torture and abuse. I thank God for giving me the opportunities I have had to make it out of my situation.

I thank God each day for my life, because no matter how painful it becomes, it is a blessing from God. He truly can turn the worst events in our lives around and make them good.

Every day, I go on the swings at the park. I go on the swings because the wind makes me feel free. It's the closest thing to flying there is on earth. As I swing, I listen to one song over and over. Only one song. Every single day. Every time I swing. And as I listen to this song, God always speaks to me. The song is called Hope is Calling by Bellarive. The chorus says:

There's a hope in the distance

And it's begging to be found

There's a love inside me

Reaching for it now.

Sometimes life gets so hard that we try to find hope but we don't see it. But there is always hope, maybe far away in the distance. But it's still there. And it's worth fighting for. It's worth reaching for. Every time I listen to this song I am reminded that there is always hope.

A Freedom Worth Fighting For

On this beautiful Memorial Day, I have been thinking a lot about freedom.

"Nothing I do to myself or is done to me by others, no abuse or apathy, nothing that has happened or ever will happen- including death- can separate me from the love of God. That love helped me to forgive, releasing me from my painful past- just as that love has helped so many other forgive and find freedom."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Interesting thought.

Castaway Kid is a memoir of Mitchell's struggles of growing up in an orphanage, not feeling cared for and feeling abandoned. When he grew up he struggled with forgiving those who had left him to live in the orphanage. I related to Mitchell on many levels, even though we have not gone through the same things. I had fought a few times to get into foster care, but was always stopped. Like Mitchell, I have trouble knowing exactly what a real family is. My idea of family has in some ways been ruined. Trusting others is almost an impossible task.

At this time in my own life, I am struggling with forgiving my father and mother.

How could I forgive my father, who abused me for so many years, who lies to this day about the abuse? How could I forgive my father, who made my life so miserable as a child that my therapists say I shouldn't even be able to function? I've had therapists tell me that I shouldn't function the way that I do. I function pretty well, but I still struggle with the flashbacks. They say I am a true miracle. Quite a few have said that my story is the worst they've ever heard, not really something that makes me feel better.

How can I forgive my mother who neglected me throughout my teen years because she chose her drug dealer boyfriend and alcohol over me? I know she's getting better, but how do I forgive when it feels so painful to this day? Hurt like that runs deep. It's hard to explain what it means to be a teenager who is ignored. Who is taught that drugs and alcohol are more important. I often would see other families when I was growing up and envy them, wishing my family had some normalcy. Wishing I had people who cared about me. Truly cared about me. I thought that being in a foster home may give me more normalcy, but that never happened. I still deal with abandonment issues and feelings that others don't really care about me since I was told on many occasions throughout my life I am worthless.

Freedom isn't always something that just comes. Neither is forgiveness. Sometimes they are something you have to fight for. Isn't that what we are celebrating today? We are celebrating those who fought to give us our freedom.

Freedom is not always free. Sometimes you need to fight in order to be free. Sometimes you need to go through a battle to achieve freedom. And in many ways, I feel as if I've been through many battles. But I've survived. My oldest brother did not.

Sometimes that battle includes forgiving others.

I've often struggled with the idea of "Honor thy mother and father." I've had people say that I need to reconcile with my father and honor him. They have no idea what my father did to me. I have only let a few people into most of the details of my past and even still, there are details I've withheld. Some things are too evil to talk about, even if I relive them every day.

But I do believe that freedom can come from forgiving those who have hurt us. And it's not just a one day ordeal. It's not like I can just say to my father "Oh I forgive you!" No way.

For me, I know forgiveness is going to take a long time. Because I was hurt for many years. In fact, I was neglected and abused for a great majority of my life. That's one of the reasons I have a difficult time in social situations, especially those in which I have to relate to others. Sometimes I feel as if I grew up on another planet. So the progress is slow. It is something I might always deal with. But I still move forward.

"All I could do to honor the woman who birthed me was to forgive her. It was time to stop holding onto resentment, time to move forward."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Moving forward takes determination. Forgiveness takes strength and willpower. It means that the past no longer controls the present or the future. And that's not easy. Especially when I have PTSD and flashbacks that occur all day long, every single day. But it means that I move into a future in which I am free, no longer chained down by the abuse and neglect. No longer chained down by my past. My past is part of my story but it is not who I am.

The chains that have held me prisoner for so long are slowly being torn apart. I have been finding a strength and resilience within me that I never knew existed. And I am walking into the light and freedom.

Freedom is worth fighting for...

Bigger than the Battle

This morning at church, we sang one of my favorite songs, Fail Us Not by 1000 Generations.

There is a part in the song when we sing:

You are bigger than the battle

You are bigger than the battle

You are bigger than the battle has ever been.

As we sang those words, I couldn't help but raise my hands up to God. Those words mean more to me than anything. It's hard to describe what it means to know that God is bigger than the battles we face. Those words are a reminder that no matter how difficult this life gets, no matter how many people hurt us, no matter what obstacle we are facing, God is stronger and bigger than the battle.

And sometimes that doesn't necessarily mean taking the battle away.

As a child growing up being abused, I asked God all the time to stop my father. I didn't know what he was doing was bad, just that I didn't like it. For a long time, I was angry at God for allowing everything to happen to me for so long. Didn't He care? Things just continued to be difficult.

I believe that God doesn't always stop our battles, but He gives us the courage and strength to overcome them and go through them.

In most of my childhood photos, I am smiling. As I look back, I often wonder to myself, How could I be smiling when I was going through all of that? How could I look so happy even when I was being abused?

I believe the answer is God's strength. There really is no other answer.

Healing takes time. And healing takes strength and courage. It means that we have to come face to face with the battles that we have had to face and that we are currently facing.

Nothing can take away what has been done to me- the years of abuse, neglect, homelessness, etc. Nothing can take it away, but over time I can heal and recover from it. Over time, I can come to terms with my past and move forward.

"Inner healing might be described as sanctifying the past... Now that we are walking with Jesus, we can invite him into our past and walk with him there."

-John Eldredge, Walking With God

This thought was interesting to me. Walking with Jesus through my past. But deep down, that is what I am trying to do. I am trying to see the good in my past. Trying to see how God helped me through the severe abuse. I want to walk with God through the parts of my life that I have tried to hide for so long because all it is full of is pain. It's about inviting God to heal that little child within me, the hurting child waiting to be loved.

For most of my life, I don't think I actually knew what real love was. I thought to be abused was to be loved. That has complicated my relationships, because I'm used to being taken advantage of or used. I'm used to not being treated right.

But as I invite Jesus to walk through my past with me, he is revealing to me what true love is. He is showing me what a real childhood is like. He is restoring my innocence, which was taken from me as a child.

I had five flashbacks during church this morning and to say it was hard is an understatement. But as I always have, I try to cover up the pain. I don't want to be a burden to others. As we sang that song, I truly gave my battles to God- my battle for healing and restoration, my battle against mental illness... I gave it all to God, with my arms lifted high.

I want my inner child to heal and to hope in a bright future. I want her to know real love, real peace, real joy, and real hope.

Because no matter how difficult the battles we face are, we can always have hope in God. That is why I fight through each day.

Because no battle we face will ever be too big for God.

Feelings Hidden Within

Something has been on my mind lately. I'm going to the dentist soon.

I see how others look at my teeth. Anybody who knows me knows that my teeth are not in good shape.

I know people make fun of my teeth. I see their stares. One memory hurts the most. 

I was walking to my dorm a few years ago on Halloween and a guy came up to me with his friends and he said "Oh, are your messed up teeth fake?... Oh, wait a minute, those are your real teeth!" He laughed and walked away, with his crew laughing with him. Every time I think back to that encounter, it hurts deep within. I do not think he knew how his words hurt me deeply.

Little does he know that I survived years of severe abuse by my father, in which he treated me like an animal. I can't even look at dogs without being reminded that I was treated less than human for so many years. The memories come back to me each and every day. I avoid dogs as much as I can. Not because I'm scared of them. But when I see them, I am reminded of the abuse. I am reminded of my feelings hidden deep within, the feelings of unworthiness and shame. The feelings that I am less than human.

Little does he know that I was neglected for years by my mother, the person who was supposed to care for me the most. She wasn't around to make sure I was taking care of myself. During my teenage years, she chose her drug dealer boyfriend over me. She chose drugs and alcohol over me. And it still hurts. How could she care about someone else more than me? How could she care about drugs more than me?

Little does he know that I come from a poor family, and we didn't have enough money to go to the dentist as much as others. Little does he know that no matter how much I wanted to get braces, my family could not afford them.

Little does he know that I spent many years of my life trying to understand why people treated me like I was less than human. If you're treated like you're nothing for long enough, you start believing it. It wears you down. It invades every part of your life. I've taken in a lot of negative thoughts regarding myself due to how I was treated as a child and a teenager. I still have trouble taking care of myself sometimes, because I grew up with people who had a hard time showing love to me. If they didn't care about me, why should I?

I was damaged as a child, and each day, I still am recovering from that abuse. It is not an easy road at all. I wish people would not judge me on first glance, but that they would understand. I wish more people understood how truly damaged I still feel, especially as I relive the memories each day. I wish they wouldn't just write me off the minute they see how I look. Because there is more hidden behind my looks than one first impression can give. There is turmoil and beliefs that I am not worthy of love or to be cared about or to be treated like any other human being. Because that's what I grew up being taught.

Each new day it gets easier. My mother has come a long way and is helping me.

Slowly but surely, God is healing me and the hidden, hurt and damaged child within me. I want that little girl to know that she is loved and will be loved, not judged or made fun of. I want that little child to smile again. To smile without being stared at or mocked. I want her to laugh again.

More than anything I want her to find hope again. I want her to find the light that God shines through the darkness and turmoil within our souls. I want her to see that light and shine.

I want her to know what it means to be loved.

To Be Loved...

A friend posted this video and I wanted to share it. It is a simple yet profound video that speaks about the challenges that we each face as human beings. We often have no idea what others are dealing with.

"Even at age seven, I could see that kids preferred poverty if they were loved, rags if they were cared for, and homelessness if someone wanted them."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Love is very important to us as human beings and most often, we would give anything to receive it.

Love is one of the most precious gifts that we can give to others in this life. Feeling loved, appreciated and cared for makes a huge difference in our lives. Having grown up in a household full of severe abuse, I often wondered what it meant to be loved by a father. I still do. I would give anything to know what it feels like to be truly loved and cared for by a human father.

I am very fortunate to know the love of my Father in heaven. I know that for many who grew up with an abusive father, it is difficult to trust God. For many years, it was nearly impossible to call God my Father. I could barely even say "Our Father" in church during the Lord's prayer. However, God has revealed His love for me in many ways. His love means more to me than anything and He is why I choose to fight through the rough days. He gives me the strength I need to get through each day.

To feel love means that there is someone who truly cares for you and would fight for you. That there is someone who would help you through the good, the bad and the awful. Not just here for the good. Not just here for a day or two. But here in the long run.

That kind of love means more than words can express.

As you look around yourself today, see how you can love those around you. Be a blessing to others. Treat others as if they are having the worst day of their lives. Because they might be. They might be battling with something you may know nothing about.

Take the opportunity you've been given in this life and open your heart to love.

Rebuild. Renew. Restore. Refresh.

"I have loved thee with an everlasting love: 

therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Again I will build thee, and thou shalt be built."

-Jeremiah 31:3b-4a

Have you ever had a point in your life when everything felt shattered and you are trying to fix everything? Trying to mold everything back together? Slowly picking up the pieces that once were your life?

I'm at that point in my life. This last semester was by far one of the hardest times in my life and I lost a lot because of the challenges I faced. I lost my graduate funding. I lost meaningful time that I could have spent creating friendships and building relationships. Sometimes it feels like I lost a ton of stuff I worked hard for.

During many points in my life, I have felt completely shattered. Pieces scattered everywhere. Confusion. Chaos. Turmoil.

But God is slowly but surely helping me to rebuild. Not only what was shattered last semester but what has been shattered throughout my life. Like trust in others.

I don't know what is going to happen from here. But what I do know is that I am blessed beyond belief. I have people who truly care about me and want the best for me. I am coming to terms with my trust issues and slowly allowing myself to trust others.

My doctor increased my antipsychotic medication two days ago due to paranoia I have been experiencing in the past few days and yesterday was the first day on the higher dose. To say it is a relief not to be paranoid is an understatement. 

When I am paranoid and when I am not seem like two separate lives. In one, I am terrified of people, thinking that the whole world is conspiring against me. In the other, I am at peace and I can put my trust in other people, knowing there are people who I can trust. Life is so different when I'm not paranoid. Paranoia causes a lot of chaos in every aspect of my life.

While I don't like to think about my psychotic episodes, it is a tremendous relief knowing that I remember them. 

Why? 

Because I can learn from them. I have seen different patterns in my thinking that leads to my psychotic episode. There is a rapid cycling that causes my stress and anxiety to build up to a point where I become extremely psychotic. My anxiety is very high. I have more flashbacks. I often experience moments of deja vu. Since I recognize the patterns and am more aware of it, I am able to stop it before it gets worse.

We can learn a lot from the mistakes we make or the trials we face. I think that's actually one of the reasons we have obstacles in our lives. We learn from them. It takes a lot to look back on the hard times and take away something that can help us in the future. But that gives the hard times meaning. Even though it may be hard to look back, God helps us to rebuild from those mistakes and obstacles.

I definitely feel like God is helping me rebuild my life. He is helping me restore, refresh and renew. It takes courage to rebuild. It takes strength to rebuild. But with God, nothing is impossible. I know that He has great and wonderful plans for each of us, no matter how difficult life may seem.

That's what keeps me going.

Life is all about turning to God. It is about learning about Him through all of the situations we are living.

I've learned that He is a gracious God who cares about all of us very deeply. He cries with us. He weeps with us. He carries us. He is there for us in a deeper way than possible with other human beings. He knows us.

God surely loves us and He gives us hope in the darkest of times. Even at my rock bottom this past semester, I knew that God was with me. Our God does not abandon us, especially in the times when He feels so distant. He never lets go of us, no matter how far away we feel from Him.

Most importantly, He helps us to rebuild after the storms. Just as we are trying to help the people in Oklahoma rebuild after the tornado, God helps us to rebuild our minds, our hearts, and our souls. He helps to restore us to a place where we are even better off than we were before the storm. And that is what makes me grateful for this past semester, even with all of the issues I faced. I am stronger than I ever have been before.

God is helping me deal with the hurt I have felt for most of my life. He is making me come face to face with some really intense and challenging things. He is helping me heal in ways I never could have imagined and every day, I am discovering more about myself and who He is. I am slowly but surely putting more trust in Him. I am learning to put my hope in Him and His awesome plans for my life.

Every breath that we have in our lives comes from Him. Every single breath. Our lives belong to Him.

So I'm gonna live my life for Him... No matter what I will face in the future or what I'm facing in the present. I'm gonna make my life count.

Every breath is His...

Healing Takes Time

"As God transforms our minds by his truth, he corrects our distorted thinking. Freedom comes as our minds are filled with God's truth."
-Diane Landberg, On the Threshold of Hope

I am currently going through the process of changing my distorted thoughts. Not only did I grow up in an abusive household in which I was taught that it was normal to be abused and neglected, but I also deal with having distorted thinking due to my schizoaffective disorder. I deal with daily thoughts that people are trying to hurt me or kill me. People are following me and everybody is against me. They're all after me, my thoughts say.

My doctor called yesterday afternoon and we are trying a new dose of one of my medications, an antipsychotic, to deal with the paranoid thinking.

My PTSD and schizoaffective disorder have mixed and I have flashbacks that sometimes lead to the psychotic thinking. Lately, I've been having many flashbacks of the abuse. When I was abused, I was told many times that if I told anybody about what happened, then I would be killed or nobody would believe me, which plays into my psychotic thinking.

It's not a good cycle, but it's what I have to live with. And my life could be a lot worse, so I choose to live a happy life, regardless of the negativity. It's just something I deal with. It's frustrating at times, but who doesn't live with some frustration? Every time I have a flashback or paranoia, I have a choice of whether I want to let it consume my life or if I want to move forward.

I choose to move forward.

I'm sorry but I'm going to talk briefly about some physics. Many people know what friction is. Friction occurs when there are two objects and the surface of one may impact how easily one moves over the other. Well, in a lot of ways, that's how my disorders work. I'm moving forward and I am moving through life but all of a sudden, it gets harder to move through life. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving forward. It may mean that things get rough or that I have to slow down. It may mean that more obstacles come my way. But no matter what, I keep moving forward.

At the same time that the meds are working to stop my distorted thinking, I am trying to figure out how to deal with my past and the flashbacks I have on a daily basis. For years, I thought that the abuse I grew up in was normal. I never knew anything differently. I still  often struggle to trust that what I went through isn't normal. I still am suspicious that other people are abused. 

After all that was my normal.

It took until I was 13 to realize that what I went through as a child was not normal. I had no idea that my childhood was not what everyone else experienced. I still remember my reverend telling me, "It's not normal to be home alone every single night when you're 13." I had no idea.

In many ways, I have to forgive myself because I feel like I let it happen since I didn't know it wasn't normal.

But that's part of recovery and figuring out the truth.

I have a lot of hope in my recovery from both the PTSD caused by years of abuse and the schizoaffective disorder.

Why do I have hope?

Because even though this life is hard, God never lets us go. He is there with us every step of the way. I feel Him even at my lowest points. I experience His grace and peace even in the darkest times. In my last psychotic episode, I recited the Lord's Prayer and felt at peace.

He is the reason I am still here fighting each day. I love God and I know He loves me. And He wants me to heal from everything I've been through. I don't know where God will bring me in the healing process, but I have a lot of hope.

Healing takes time.

It's not something we can rush. It's something we go through as a process and the harder things have gotten, the more healing needs to take place. But it makes the healing process all the more meaningful and beautiful.

I want to heal more than anything. More than anything I've ever wanted. Healing may not mean that my disorders go away but that over time, they aren't as bad. I don't know what God's plan is for me, but today, I am going to trust Him. Currently, my disorders are impacting my life tremendously, but I am clinging to a lot of hope that they won't always be so invasive in my life and that over time, I will gain my life back.

I have hope that I can claim my life back. I have hope that I can recover from all that has happened in my life.

The most important thing I know is that I can find hope in Christ because I have been redeemed through Him. This is what I cling to when the flashbacks become very bad. When the memories become too hard to deal with, I cling to this hope that I have been redeemed and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Race Against Time

We have choices to make in this life. But sometimes we are dealt difficult things that come whether or not we like it. One of those things for me is having schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. Neither is curable. But for each disorder, there are steps that I can take to alleviate the symptoms.

I have battled PTSD for 11 years, since the age of 13. I was first given the "possible" diagnosis of bipolar disorder when I was 16. I have been battling the symptoms of both disorders for many, many years.

But as I say...

Never, ever give up and always, always move forward.

Even if you have to take baby steps or slowly put one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes you even have to crawl.

I have been telling myself this for the past few weeks and it's helped me to stay strong in the face of many difficulties. I don't know what is going to happen with my disorders and often, I feel like it's a race against time until my disorder gets too bad to handle and I may end up in an institution. My disorders continue to get worse and worse, despite treatment.

That scares me.

Dealing with mental illnesses can be scary.

But that is exactly why I feel so called to trust God- to trust that He has a plan greater than anything I can imagine.

This life is going to be hard. It is extremely difficult at times. But we have a God who can control everything. And that is what makes life worth living. That is why I continue to fight, despite everything getting worse.

That is exactly why I just gave my doctor a call and I am waiting for a call back to see if they can increase one of my medications.

I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in.

No way.

Never give up. Keep fighting. Keep moving forward. Keep taking baby steps.

One step in front of the other.

I have made the choice that no matter what comes my way, no matter what disorders I am diagnosed with, how many flashbacks I have each day, or how paranoid or psychotic I become, I am not going to give up.

This life is worth living, even on the darkest days.

I have made the choice to live each day to the fullest. To make the most of every day I have.

Take each day as it comes, day by day.

Get up and face each morning. Get up and start again each day. Each day is an opportunity. Each day is a tremendous blessing and an opportunity to be a blessing to others.

One of my best friends texted me a verse yesterday and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

"What shall we then say to these things? 

If God be for us, who can be against us?"

-Romans 8:31 (KJV)

No matter how scared I become, I know that God holds my tomorrow. He holds my life in His hands and that means more than words can say. I have hope because of God. If I didn't have faith in God, I would be long gone. It is because of God that I continue to move forward.

Whatever you're facing today, get up and meet the challenges. Because I can personally say that I have learned more about God and experienced Him more through my challenges than through anything else. He works miracles through the challenges we face.

No matter how difficult challenges become, God can use them and transform them into blessings.

Just keep swimming...

One of Those Days

Some days are harder than others. And today was a difficult day.

But I press on...

I was paranoid during most of the day. It was uncontrollable but mild. I thought that people were following me. I thought people were laughing at me. I've had bouts of this for the past few days. I have been suspicious of people lately.

I have been taking my medications religiously so I am very scared that my paranoia and psychosis are resistant to the medication again. Seeing as how I am already on high doses of heavy duty medications, this is really hard to take in. I also have tried 14 medications, so I don't know what else I can try.

I received news earlier today that will make it hard for me to get my Masters, even though I only have 4 more classes to take.

It is one of these days when I just want to crawl up in a ball and just stay there for eternity.

But it's also days like today that I have a choice to get up and fight through another day. Get up and enjoy this life. I have a choice of whether or not I let the evil in my life stop me from achieving what God has in store for me.

I am choosing to fight, as I always have, because I know that God has something great in store for my life.

I will cling to the hope that I find in Christ.

Living with mental illnesses means that I have to take life as it comes, day by day. And I have hope in tomorrow. I am not giving up my hope that easily.

Time Ticking Down

While I have never been involved in any war, I feel like I have been through a war.

In many respects, I have been in a war. But not a war that you may be thinking of. A war of endless battles to become healthy after years of battling abuse, neglect and other traumatic experiences.

A war in my mind.

Today, I am battling minor paranoia. It is incredibly frustrating but there are minor hints of paranoia. Though I have taken my medications as prescribed, I am terrified of another battle raging inside my mind. My last psychotic episode had been resistant to medication and as I feel minor paranoia peeking through, I am terrified that I may have another one.

The next one could kill me or land me in a state mental institution.

You see, battling mental illness is not just about taking medications or seeing a therapist. It is about battling for a healthy life. Just as people fight through physical illnesses, my fight is to become healthy. To keep my brain healthy. It is about surviving each day as it comes. The medications only go so far. I often feel as if I am battling for more time. More time for sanity. My brain is just waiting. Waiting to go off.

I wish that more people did not avoid what they do not understand.

I wish more people didn't avoid me because they know I have mental illness.

I wish more people tried to understand.

I wish that people did not make fun of me or avoid me because I have mental illness.

I wish that people asked me questions so that I could help them understand.

I have severe mental illness and I know that there is a risk in me talking so openly about it. But this is not just about me. It is about the many thousands of people who fight against mental illness. It has gotten to the point in my life where it is not so easy to hide it anymore. Many people saw me when I had my battles with paranoia and psychosis in the past few months.

I really wish that people were not so afraid of the unknown. We face the unknown every single day.

I wish more people embraced the unknown.

I wish more people embraced me for who I am, not what I have.

It is in the unknown where we find out more truth about ourselves and the world.

My mental illness is very severe and it has tried to take my life many times. It is a battle sometimes between life and death, as the chemicals in my brain cause chaos. When the battle gets that bad, it is a battle for survival. My mind picks up things from my past and creates a realistic yet unrealistic story that I have no choice but to believe. Given time and distance, the story is not realistic anymore but a tale. A tale that makes no sense but made all sense during my psychotic episode.

People think that taking medications solves everything.

Well it doesn't.

It obviously helps, but when you've had resistance to medications such as I have, you just have to live each day to the fullest, not knowing what each day will bring.

To be honest, I am still afraid that my psychosis and paranoia will resurface to an uncontrollable state.

It's one of those things you have to experience to understand.

It scares me. Resistance to medication scares me, especially since I am on heavy doses of heavy duty medications. In my last psychotic episode, I thought the cops were after me. I thought there was no way out of the misery. The terror. The heart beating fast. The eyes fluttering in every direction, trying to find clues. Trying to make sense of the madness. Everywhere I turned there they were, waiting to get me. Waiting to take my life from me.

But to end the madness, I called the police, the exact people I was trying to avoid. I had to face my greatest fear in order to get help. In order to survive. I was lucky.

Sometimes survival with mental illness comes down to our will to live.

I want to live so terribly. Even with all of the chaos in my life. Even though this life has been terribly difficult. It is life and I am going to embrace each day that God gives me on this earth.

Just as I cannot control when or where or if I have flashbacks, I cannot control if there will be another psychotic episode. I pray each day that the paranoia and psychosis stays away. I pray that it doesn't resurface.

Sometimes, it feels as if I am living with a ticking time bomb and I don't know when it will go off.

But what I do decide is if I am going to enjoy this life.

And today, I am going to try my best to enjoy my life, despite the minor paranoia.

I pray each morning of each new day. And I put one step in front of the other, trusting that God will lead the way.

Experiencing God

I'm in the process of figuring out student loans, financial aid and my housing for the Fall today. It's been in the back of my mind to get all of this done and figure it all out, but in a way, I've been avoiding it because, as we all know, paperwork is LOTS of fun (sarcasm at its greatest). But the more I figured it all out, the greater I felt. The more the weight came off my shoulders. The unknown became known, the questions were replaced with solutions, no longer just something in the back of my head that bothers and nags me. That lingering anxious feeling.

Figuring it all out can be very chaotic, but sometimes it's not just enough to trust God that everything will work out. Sometimes we have to do some footwork to get things going. It's not like loans come out of the sky. We have to do some work to get there. Sometimes we need to take care of business.

Meanwhile, I just started my 12th book of the summer, Walking With God by John Eldredge. He talks about the fact that intimacy with God is our main point of living. Intimacy with God isn't just about being a good person and questioning our motives with the question WWJD? (What would Jesus do?) Intimacy with God is much more than that. It is talking with God, hearing His voice, listening to Him speak, listening to the Holy Spirit's guidance. 

Lately, I've been thinking very philosophically. Maybe it's because I spend so much time in nature, exploring God's creation, but I often wonder about the meaning of life. What is the purpose of our lives?

I mean, do you ever wonder why we try so hard in this life to be the best when we are just floating on a sphere in a great wide space. I often feel like there is more to life than the day in and day out, the hustle and bustle of life.

That meaning is found in a deep relationship with God. It is found in the intimacy that we can experience with God.

I don't believe our meaning in our life comes from getting straight As or being the best. It doesn't come from having a lot of money or a high status in society. Mind you, this is coming from someone who has gotten straight As. I have spent years, just like most people, trying to get to the top.

What for?

Isn't there more to life?

As I've mentioned, I'm taking this summer off from school and as I do, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. We are only offered life once and I don't want to waste mine. I want to give my life meaning by changing this world somehow.

My pastor and I had a conversation a few months ago and she said something that I've been thinking about lately. I often said that with my PhD degree, I wanted to do something great in this world. She looked at me and said, "You're not going to do great things. You are already doing great things now."

We must make the most of every opportunity today, in the present. We must strive to make a difference each day in this world. Bit by bit, day by day, if each of us makes a difference, then this world will be a better, more peaceful place.

Our intimacy with God plays a huge role in how we live our lives.

Intimacy with God is a huge priority in my life. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I try to spend as much time with God, talking with Him, as I can. The majesty I have seen in His creations is unbelievable. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes my life worth living, no matter how difficult it becomes. Living on this earth experiencing God is beyond anything I have ever experienced. It gives a meaning to my life that I have never felt before.

Each of us has an opportunity to change this world and experience God more deeply.

I want to leave you with some photographs I took over the past few days of clouds during sunrises and sunsets. Whenever I look up at the clouds, I am always in awe of the beauty and the artistic qualities in them. Each day, the sunrises and sunsets are different. Each day, God creatively arranges the clouds so beautifully. Each day, I am reminded that God is so powerful and that He formed this whole universe.

Take time to enjoy your life and to make a difference in this world...