To Stand in Truth

Today has been a difficult day.... Just a day full of struggling to get through without ending up in a hospital.

I just talked to my mom about what has been going on and she thinks I may be hallucinating. I don't know exactly what's been going on but I've been dealing with it for about a month. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Struggling with paranoia and psychosis is difficult in that the line between reality and fantasy become mixed and it's hard to dissect what's really going on. On one hand, I'm experiencing the world in one way and on the other hand, I have people telling me it's not real. I've had to talk through a lot of my observations and thoughts. I believe in many ways that people are after me or know more about me than I think they know- that everyone is plotting something against me. I've been waiting for their plot to come to an end. But I'm not even sure there is a plot.

I think my history of going through abuse and neglect has a lot to play into my paranoia and psychosis. My PTSD is mixed in with the chaos of my paranoia and psychosis. I was constantly threatened as a little child. My father tried to kill me multiple times. When I was a teenager, my mom's ex boyfriend almost hired a hitman to kill my father for what he had done to me.

Point blank... My life has been very complicated and frightening at times.

Which is all the more reason I cling to the love, hope and peace in God. I find comfort and truth in Him. It is only through God that I can dissect what's real and what's not. It's a constant battle, but I'm willing to fight it. I've already overcome so much.

I was thinking earlier about the fact that I have three very serious disorders- schizoaffective disorder (mix of schizophrenia and bipolar), Asperger's syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- but I still function pretty well. My friend last night said that I hide everything well. Other than writing on my blog, I do not really let a lot of people into what's going on in my head. Partly because I think people don't know how to deal with it.

I'm just trying to make it through each day in one piece without going to the hospital. It's quite a journey but God has called me to this life for some reason. Someone was wearing a shirt at the concert I went to last night that said "It's not easy to be me but somebody's gotta do it." No matter how bad the days get, God has called me to triumph over my difficulties.

The lyrics of one of my favorite songs, Stand by Britt Nicole say:

When I feel like giving up 

When my heart has hurt too much 

Feels like I've reached the end

No, I won't turn and run

This battle will be won

When I've done all I can

I stand