Having three disorders, I try to make the most out of my life and sometimes that means getting up and going to work when I don't want to because I just want to stay in my apartment due to the paranoia. But as my mother says, you gotta get up and face the day.
No doubt this is really hard for me because I am loaded on medications and my paranoia is still resistant. But I've made the decision that I'm giving it all I have and fighting this battle.
Something I have come across is that most people don't know too much about paranoia and psychosis. I've experienced both so I'll try to explain it as best I can. Paranoia is having nonstop thoughts that people are after you, they're after you to kill you. Psychosis is hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there.
I want to share my experience of what it is like to be paranoid.
After meeting with my doctor today, I went to the counter to check out and get my next appointment. The lady at the counter made that face. The face all people who work at the hospital give me. Am I imagining it? Why do I think they're all after me? Are the people at the hospital plotting something against me? Did one of them leak out my information and that's why I'm scared of everyone?
I wait at the busstop to take the bus home. It arrives and I get on. I go to the very back, the back corner where I have the least contact with anyone. But the guy sitting next to me is looking at me. Is he part of a gang that's after me? He's on his phone. Is he texting someone about me?
The bus stops and another few people get on. A guy comes all the way back and sits on my right. He takes out his phone and he's holding it up. Is he taking a photo of me? Is that how all my information is spreading? They're all taking photos of me and there's a hidden website I have yet to find with photos of me on which people are writing bad things about me. They're all laughing at me. I've already searched online for gossiping about me but I've found nothing. How is it spreading? He picks up his phone but I can't hear the conversation. Is he calling the cops? Are they in on it too?
I finally get off the bus and then I get on another bus and go to the grocery. A real quick in and out. The cashier gives me the look. She's even in on it? What kind of conspiracy is this?
I wait for the bus to go home from the grocery. There's an old man sitting across from me. Then another man approaches the benches and he gives me the look. What do they want from me? I didn't do anything to all of these people. It seems like everybody I come across gives me that look. But I can't say anything. I can't ask them about it because then they'll think I'm even more crazy. Am I hallucinating their facial expressions or am I really just extremely hypervigilant like my therapist says? Is my PTSD really this bad?
I get on the bus home and now everyone's looking at me. I know it. I know they're plotting to kill me. But they're going to do stuff to me. They all know what was done to me as a child and they're going to do it again. I just don't know when. I see a man rub his nose. Is that a sign? Is he signing to the girl across from me? Why do they all want to hurt me? Do they all talk about me when I get off the bus?
Thank God I finally get off the bus. I walk down the street towards my apartment and there's a lady right behind me. She walks right behind me for a few blocks and I keep looking behind me. Why is she following me? Is she in on it too? Some of them follow me. Like that one guy who followed me into my apartment building. I had never seen him before. They know where I live. They even know the floor. They're just waiting to attack and kill me.
This "scenario" took place in a few hours today and I have been constantly battling these thoughts for about a month. My mother told me to remember that people are innately good and that not everybody is out to harm me. Sometimes that's easy to say but hard to understand when you've gone through what I've gone through. It seems that my PTSD is very high lately. Dealing with these constant paranoid thoughts takes everything out of me. The hardest thing is not to approach people and ask them if they're plotting against me because I think it will make matters worse. Dealing with all of this, I am constantly trying to dissect the truth from the lies.
I want to end this post with a song that I came across today because it speaks truth into the battles that we face. It's called God Only Knows by Joy Williams. This song came into my day right when I needed it.
God only knows all your broken pieces
Only He knows what you're going through
God only knows what you hide inside
And He's holding onto you
Can I get an AMEN?
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