A Comfortable Friend

Everyone, please meet Teddy!

Not a lot of people know that I have a teddy bear. Teddy, my beloved teddy bear, helps me to calm down and get through my flashbacks when I'm home.

My family has a few theories about why I have Teddy and why he helps me. One of the theories is that when I go back in time to when I was being abused as a child, I cope like I coped as a little child. Going through many many years of abuse and neglect has made it difficult to cope. When I hug Teddy, I feel comforted. I calm down. I know he's not going to yell at me or hurt me. I can hug him and feel loved.

When I was growing up, I had a doll that I was inseparable from. Much like Teddy, she comforted me during the many years of abuse I endured. I spent many nights hugging the baby doll as I cried myself to sleep. I still sometimes cry myself to sleep when I hug Teddy.

I loved that baby doll and she comforted me much like Teddy does.

I've had Teddy for 8 years and I really didn't get attached to him until my PTSD got worse when I was being harrassed by my father. My depression got worse and I needed comfort. It's hard for me to relate to others. I found that hugging him helps me to recover from my flashbacks. I feel less lonely. Teddy has also been there for me in nearly all of my hospitalizations. Being in the hospital can be terrifying and having him with me has helped.

Quite a few times I've wondered if I have multiple personality disorder. I know that some people who have endured many years of abuse suffer from it. Sometimes when I have flashbacks, I tend to have a difficult time getting out of them and coming back to the present. I'm a little child again. Lately, I've been having anywhere between 5 to 20 flashbacks a day. Some days are better, some days are worse. Today I had fourteen.

Teddy, to me, is a constant reminder of God. He loves me no matter what. He doesn't yell or harm me. I can trust him. He hugs me when I'm crying. He comforts me.

I guess part of the reason I have Teddy is that it's hard to relate to others. I'm scared to get to know others sometimes because I don't know what they'll think when they hear about my past. I know that I won't be judged when I hug him.

I don't know all the reasons why I have Teddy but what I do know is that he has helped me through a lot. He has calmed me down many times and that means a lot. Some people may wonder why I don't have a pet but pets tend to trigger my PTSD so I try to avoid them. I'm just glad I have something that comforts me.