Making Me New

Last night, I watched an episode of Extreme Weight Loss. In the episode I watched, a woman named Meredith works to reach her goal of weighing 155 pounds. She has tried everything she could to lose weight but she's been unsuccessful. And that's why she has to get to the root of her overeating: the fact that she was given away and adopted as a baby. She has felt the sense of rejection for the majority of her life. As she works through the feelings associated with the adoption, she finds acceptance and her real meaning in life.

Sometimes what we need to do in order to move forward is get at the root of the negative things in our lives.

Right now, in my own recovery, I'm working to get to the root of my illnesses: the abuse and neglect I endured for many years as a child and teenager. There is a ton of hurt, distrust and other negative feelings that come with being severely abused for so many years. I deal with feelings of rejection, betrayal and hurt among a myriad of other associated feelings.

For the past month or so, I've been dealing with paranoia. I've been working through the paranoid thoughts with my therapist. I've been working to find truth in the paranoia, to reach down into my trust issues and find out what's real. I think that distrust is the root of my paranoia. On one hand, I am sucked into believing that everybody is plotting against me.  But the other hand says that people are not after me, that there are people who care deeply about me. Sometimes I really want to react to others if I think they're after me. But when I do, I instead think to myself, "They're not after you. You'll be okay. Just move forward." I try to think about the logic of everyone conspiring against me.

After Father's Day a few weeks ago, my therapist told me to reframe the holiday by doing something nice for families, like cleaning up a park where families go... something to support good fathers. My therapist has started to help me reframe my past and look at it in a new light so it doesn't have the control it's had in my life for so long. I'm starting to go away from my comfort zone to overcome the negative feelings that have haunted me for so long. It's a struggle but it's a battle I'm willing to fight.

In a way, it's making the negative into positive. It's looking at my past in a different way that can help me move forward. For me, it means moving forward in spite of all the garbage I've been through and are going through.

I'm actually glad that a few people have said that the medications will not really help the paranoia I'm dealing with. They told me I have to work through the paranoia by challenging my thought patterns. I like challenging the negative thoughts because it is about taking back power and control. It's about standing up for what I endured as a child. It's one of the most difficult things I've done but I'm up for the challenge. It's truly helping me to heal.

"this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, 

and reaching forth unto those things which are before"

-Philippians 3:13 (KJV)

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, 

he is a new creature: 

old things are passed away; 

behold, all things are become new."

-2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)

Each new day is an adventure and part of the struggle to take back my life that was taken, but it is an opportunity to become new in Christ. It is a chance to heal in a way I have never done before.