However, I'm still dealing with some paranoia. I'm aware of it but things are still challenging. I think that my father is trying to get everyone to not believe me and to not care about me. For years, he told me nobody would believe me if I told them what happened. Earlier this year it was worse and I thought nobody believed me, including my doctors. It's difficult, because I wish it all was a lie. I wish I was making all of it up. But it's all in court records and other records. It's gotten to the point that sometimes even I think it's a lie, but how could a mind make up all that stuff for 20 some-odd years and have all the paperwork to prove it?
Anyway, guess what!
God Day is this Sunday.
I think I'm also being triggered because Father's Day is coming up. I call it God Day because my true Father is God. I despise Father's Day because I am triggered more than usual. I'm probably going to avoid social networking this weekend as much as possible because the triggers are everywhere, even more than normal.
Father's Day is the one Sunday of the year that I usually skip church. It's not that I don't like others celebrating their fathers. It's just that it is a reminder of everything that my father was and is not. He was never there for me. When my mom and I were homeless, he didn't even pay child support when we most needed it. He was always hurting me, throughout my life not just in my childhood. It is not easy seeing the person who is the reason I have PTSD throughout my life. You have no idea how much I wish that he was in jail for everything but he got away.
However, please don't get me wrong. I love that others have great fathers. I'm not jealous of them because I've never known what having a father means. You don't know what you're missing if you don't have it to begin with. I consider myself to be fatherless. Anyone who has heard my life story and what happened will agree that I don't have a father. He was everything but.
I have heard that fathers are supposed to treat their children like God treats each one of us. I've often had difficulty understanding who God is because my father never showed me who God was. Although he did think he was God. Before I got my restraining order, he used to send me letters and cards sometimes that ended with a signature saying "your one and only Father" or similar things. When I was being abused, he often called himself God or referenced himself as God. I think that's why it's taken so long to understand God's unconditional love. In many ways, I feel as if I've been brainwashed. Things have been twisted in my mind.
Even through all of the difficulties and challenges, God has continually shown me what unconditional love means. He has shown me who He is even without an earthly father. He helps me to discern the lies from the truth of what my earthly father has told me.
One of my favorite songs of all time is This Christmas by TobyMac. I know it's not Christmas but I'm going to post the song anyways. I listened to this song every time I was in the car ride to go to therapy as a teenager. It helped remind me that God is my true Father and that God cares about those who are fatherless. Like most of the music I listen to, it helped me tremendously through a difficult time.
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