I don't really know what I want to talk about today. Today is one of the roughest days for me by far all year. I am triggered much more than usual, making things much more difficult. I have been trying to avoid Facebook. I am happy for those who have good fathers who treated them correctly, but today is a reminder of how awful my father is.
I don't hate my father, though. I hate what he did to me. I hate that my life is full of difficulty because he abused me for years. He did everything opposite of what a father should do. I have spent most of my life trying to recover from his abuse. I don't like to call him my father, because he never treated me like a father should treat his daughter. My brother even calls him by his first name because we can't bear to call him our father.
I don't really know what to talk about because I'm being triggered more than usual and not really in the mood to write. I've had a ton of flashbacks this morning. I just pray for those like me who don't know what it means to have a father, whether their father abandoned them, abused them or just isn't a part of their life. I hope you know that you're not alone. I hope you know that you can get through days like today.
I think that it's okay to be upset today. I think it's okay to be upset about what my father did to me. I think it's okay to be angry. This year has been extraordinarily difficult but I am finally healing from my father's abuse. I'm taking steps that I didn't know I would take or was scared to take. I'm moving through the trauma and moving forward.
Moving forward can be a big thing.
Most of all, I am glad to know the love of God, my real Father. It is His love that gets me through each day and His support that keeps me going. I would not be anywhere close to where I am without Him.
Today, I am thankful for God.
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