Graceful Provision

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again."

-1 Kings 19:3-6 (NIV)

This morning, I went to another church, different than the one I usually go to, but one that I have been to before. The sermon focused on the first 18 verses of 1 King 19, a passage that I have often turned back to throughout my faith journey. It is a reminder to me of God's love and provision.

No doubt that Elijah was upset. He asked God to take his life. I first came across this passage during my 10 month medical leave after I attempted suicide in college. It gave me comfort knowing that even prophets struggled sometimes and had to deal with feelings of depression and anger. There have been moments in my own life when I've said "I have had enough," wanting to throw in the towel and call it a day. So did Elijah. In this passage, Elijah came to "the end of himself." He was so down and depressed that he needed to fully depend on God's grace and goodness to make it through.

What happens next shows how amazing our God is. At Elijah's most likely lowest time in his life, he sleeps. As the pastor said this morning, "Depression is exhausting." When I battled depression in college, I often was very tired and wanted to sleep a lot. During Elijah's sleep, God sent an angel to feed Elijah. God provided Elijah with exactly what he needed to finish the journey. God provides us with what we need to continue our journey, even when we are at our lowest. God provides when we feel our world crumbling down.

The end of ourselves can be the beginning of a powerful relationship with God. I've come closer to God every time I feel my world crashing down. Because when I am that low, God's strength comes into my life. I have experienced God's power, grace, hope, peace and love in a whole new way during my difficult times. When I attempted suicide nearly four years ago, I said out loud, "This is it." I don't know necessarily who I said it to but God has told me that that was not it at all- that there is much more to live for. He has continually shown me that the end of myself is the beginning of His strength inside of me. There is much more to look forward to. There is a reason to keep living and fighting.

I want to share a song that I came across yesterday morning. I downloaded it and have been listening to it nonstop because it is so powerful. The song speaks to how our God is still God, even in our most difficult times.