Grace for the Difficult

Today was my second day at work. It was a busy day. I only work twenty hours a week, so my days are really short. I love having the afternoons to myself, to take a nap or read a book. It helps me be able to calm down and destress even while I am working.

After work, I finished getting my medications refilled. To say this is one of the most important things I do each month is an understatement. I do not necessary like taking medications, but I know it is critical for my success in life. I know that if I do not take them, I will not function.

One thing I have struggled a bit with are my diagnoses. I have no problem agreeing that I have PTSD, but I have had a little trouble with the diagnosis of bipolar. When I went off the medications last summer, my mom and I agreed that I didn't really have the symptoms. I never stayed up for days. My thoughts were not really rapid. I didn't go on spending sprees.

When I went off the meds, I was diagnosed with autism and undiagnosed with bipolar since my test scores were "counterindicative of bipolar." I was diagnosed with autism again earlier this year and the new doctor agreed that I was not bipolar. Even with my new diagnoses, I still have a hard time saying that I do not have autism because a lot of my symptoms and even my IQ scores are indicative of autism. I've heard of people being diagnosed with autism and a mental illness. It's rare but possible.

After going off the meds, my bipolar illness came back with a vengeance after staying dormant almost half a year, so much so that I had no choice but to admit that I have it. This has taken a little getting used to. When I first was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, I was no doubt upset. It's not easy being diagnosed with something so serious and chronic. The stigmas against mental illness are also very hard to overcome. People tend to run away from it more than they do with people with other illnesses.

But I think that's where my faith comes in. My faith says that things will get better. My faith says to rely on God for the strength to get through the difficult days. My faith says there is a light in the darkness. My faith says God is bigger than anything I'm diagnosed with.

I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith. It is the hope I find in God that keeps me going, no matter how dark the days become. It is by His grace, His peace, His love and His joy that I continue to live regardless of what's thrown at me. It's through Him that I get up each morning and take my morning and night medications.

I wanted to leave with a version of a song that I love that talks about God's grace.