Challenging the Challenges

Today has been a better day than the last few. I've been battling against some paranoia. But today it has been almost nonexistent. 

Why? 

Because I've been challenging the thoughts. I've been questioning the thoughts that come into my head. When I think that everybody in town is after me and they are all conspiring to get me, I question it. I ask myself questions like, How possible is it that thousands of people are after me?

I've also talked to people who I know and trust and they've helped me to realize that my thoughts are false. They've reassured me that everything is okay and nobody's after me. It took a few people telling me this for it to finally sink in.

Part of my treatment is about questioning my negative thoughts or ideas. It's about challenging the challenges that I've been faced with. Challenging the negative thoughts is difficult, especially when you've learned negative thinking your whole life through abuse. For many years, all I really knew was fear. I've been told I am nothing and treated like I am nothing for so long that I've taken it in.

Slowly I am learning what it is to be loved. To be someone. To be greater than the negative.

I think a big part of our lives lies in our ability to challenge our challenges. Challenging the negative thoughts that we face. Finding the truth of who we are and what we're made of.

I want to share another scene from a movie I love, The Pursuit of Happyness. No matter how many times I watch the movie, I cry at the end when the main character gets the job despite all the challenges that he has faced, namely homelessness. My mother got me this movie after our own period of homelessness. The last scene makes me so excited because getting the job was so difficult, and yet he did it.

I've had my own moments of joy when I've raised my arms and cried. I have overcome extreme abuse, neglect, homelessness, and loss. I've had to overcome the challenges of having PTSD and schizoaffective disorder. I've had to overcome enormous challenges to get to where I am. I graduated at the top of my high school class and the top of my college class. I graduated with honors with a Bachelors in Biomedical Engineering despite four hospitalizations. I made it through my first year of graduate school with a 3.5 GPA, despite five hospitalizations and missing nearly two months of classes.

I think the greater the challenges, the greater the success feels.

I've had to challenge the challenges that I have gone through. And each day that I move forward is a new day, a new opportunity. Every day that I make it through and I accomplish something, I celebrate "happyness" despite all the negativity. I think that's one of the greatest things we can experience here on earth: joy amidst suffering.

Find the good despite the bad...