I've been taken advantage of so many times, hurt so many times, betrayed so many times that it is sometimes just so difficult to think that there is someone greater than this earth that truly cares about me and loves me in a kind way, with no ulterior motives and no plan to hurt me.
Most of the times I feel God are in the quietest, simplest moments in life. Lately, it's been my moments sitting at the lake or stargazing... I feel completely at peace and am filled with God's love and hope.
If I had to describe feeling God, it's that I feel this warmth envelop me and sometimes I get chills and feel His presence. I get this sense of calm and peace, even if everything around me is chaotic. There's usually little going on and it feels like it's just me and Him. Other people can be around but they don't usually matter in these moments because I'm so focused on the love I feel in His presence.
The love and hope and peace I feel in those moments is so completely different from how I felt in the presence of my earthly father or how I felt during his abuse. With him, I feel completely terrified, my heart starts pounding, I feel intensely ashamed, like an entire part of me has been taken away- missing or destroyed. I feel hopeless, like I'm just living- nowhere near the thriving feeling I feel in God's presence.
In God, I feel cleansed, refreshed and renewed. I feel a hope I never thought I would ever feel when I was a child. I get excited about life and what God will do in my life, where I will go. I'm not just merely trying to make it through the day. I feel a huge sense of joy. I don't feel trapped in a dark room- my hands are free- I can raise my arms to praise the One who has freed me, rescued me and is redeeming me. The love I feel in God's presence is nothing like the love I thought I was receiving from my earthly father. He wanted control and to feel powerful over me and he stole a part of me. But God is continually making me feel whole again.
He's taking that huge gaping hole in my soul- the shattered pieces, the brokenness, the frustrations, the endless anxiety, the panic, the horrible memories, flashbacks and nightmares- and He is filling it with His love, peace, hope and joy. He's giving me the strength I need to overcome and to keep on fighting so that I do not feel trapped and alone or that nobody cares. In His presence, I know that there is One who cares more deeply for me than anyone on earth ever can. He can cleanse me like no one can. I think the greatest thing about God and being in His presence is that He is everything I've always wanted in my earthly father.
He is proud of me and not just because I did what he told me to to. He's not going to beat me up if I don't do something He wants me to do. He's not going to use me just to hurt me or because I'm smaller than Him. He has a lot of power but He doesn't use it to harm me. He softly and tenderly reminds me and shows me what true love is...I've spent most of my life wondering what it's like to have a father who loves me...The truth is that I do have a loving father who shows me unconditional love every moment of my life.
If I mess up, he doesn't beat me up, tell me I'm stupid or say I'm good for nothing except to be used and abused. He tells me gently what's right or wrong and gently tells me how to make it better- He transforms me gently into the person He wants me to be.
He taught me right from wrong when all that my family taught me was wrong. He taught me what it means to be loved and not abused even when all I knew was not real love but a love that hurt and was not correct. He loved me and was there for me when nobody else was- when I thought all I was good for was to be used and abused, mistreated and thrown away...
When the world tells me I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not clean enough, not pure enough, it feels so extremely good to have a heavenly Father who tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made- that I am not an accident, not a mistake, that I have a purpose in life and that He loves me.
He is breathing new life into me, making me new again...
"Let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."
-Mark 10:14 (NIV)
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