I want to share what God is teaching me through the journey of life. I believe that life is ultimately about taking the obstacles in your way, overcoming them and transforming them into something beautiful. I currently live with Schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar disorder), Autism and PTSD.
"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." -1 King 19:11b-12 (NIV) This is part of a passage that many have heard, but as I recover from paranoia and PTSD symptoms, it really has spoken to me. When I have paranoid thoughts, it feels like a huge storm is raging inside my mind, my heart and my very being. Everything feels chaotic. I'm confused and terrified among many other intertwined feelings and emotions. I don't know what to believe or what to hold onto. I feel attacked. There's no joy, just chaos. But that's where God comes into my life. He brings peace into my life through a gentle whisper. He calms me down when my mind is running 10 million miles a minute. He's helping me through the storms but I need to take time to calm down and listen to Him. To be still... I believe that God can bring peace into our deepest and darkest times if we slow down enough to listen to His whisper. I want to share something that was in my reading today: "The Holy Spirit's 'gentle whisper' in my heart was God's prayer in the secret places of my soul. It was His answer to all my questions, and His life and strength for my soul and body. His voice became the essence of all knowledge, prayer and blessings." -Streams in the Desert, June 30 devotional No matter how bad my attacks get, I cling to the voice of truth...
Today has been a better day. I started the new medication this morning and the paranoia/anxiety has been nonexistent this morning. It took all of me not to cry tears of joy in the store this morning when I was walking by people and not having paranoid thoughts. It was amazing how calm I felt. Having paranoid thoughts all day long is not a way to live. It is exhausting. We were not meant to be anxious every second of our lives. We were not made to live in fear. I had gotten so used to living with paranoia that I forgot what life is like without it. Now what caused me to be paranoid? My doctor thinks it is my PTSD being very high, which may be due to the intensive trauma therapy I'm going through. The new medication I started today is supposed to help with PTSD symptoms. My mother thinks that my past is way too traumatic to go through at this time. I'm still not sure because I've dealt with some of the past before. Whatever may be causing the paranoia, I am glad that the paranoia seems to have gone away on the new medication. The paranoia was so bad that I was starting to prepare to go to the hospital. Having three disorders that are mixed can complicate things and sometimes is very frustrating, but no matter what, I move forward. I take it one day at a time and each day that I feel better is a victory. God gave me this life for a reason and I'm going to make the most out of it. I want to share another song by the band I saw on Wednesday. The song is called Busted Heart by for KING & COUNTRY. It's a song about God being there for us and holding on to us, even when things get really complicated. No matter what we go through in this life, God holds on to us. We can find hope even in the most dire circumstances.
I met with my psychiatrist today and talked with her about the paranoia I am experiencing. We've decided to try adding a new medication- an antidepressant/anti-anxiety- and increasing my dose of the antipsychotic. At this point, I'll give anything a try.
Having three disorders, I try to make the most out of my life and sometimes that means getting up and going to work when I don't want to because I just want to stay in my apartment due to the paranoia. But as my mother says, you gotta get up and face the day.
No doubt this is really hard for me because I am loaded on medications and my paranoia is still resistant. But I've made the decision that I'm giving it all I have and fighting this battle.
Something I have come across is that most people don't know too much about paranoia and psychosis. I've experienced both so I'll try to explain it as best I can. Paranoia is having nonstop thoughts that people are after you, they're after you to kill you. Psychosis is hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there.
I want to share my experience of what it is like to be paranoid.
After meeting with my doctor today, I went to the counter to check out and get my next appointment. The lady at the counter made that face. The face all people who work at the hospital give me. Am I imagining it? Why do I think they're all after me? Are the people at the hospital plotting something against me? Did one of them leak out my information and that's why I'm scared of everyone?
I wait at the busstop to take the bus home. It arrives and I get on. I go to the very back, the back corner where I have the least contact with anyone. But the guy sitting next to me is looking at me. Is he part of a gang that's after me? He's on his phone. Is he texting someone about me?
The bus stops and another few people get on. A guy comes all the way back and sits on my right. He takes out his phone and he's holding it up. Is he taking a photo of me? Is that how all my information is spreading? They're all taking photos of me and there's a hidden website I have yet to find with photos of me on which people are writing bad things about me. They're all laughing at me. I've already searched online for gossiping about me but I've found nothing. How is it spreading? He picks up his phone but I can't hear the conversation. Is he calling the cops? Are they in on it too?
I finally get off the bus and then I get on another bus and go to the grocery. A real quick in and out. The cashier gives me the look. She's even in on it? What kind of conspiracy is this?
I wait for the bus to go home from the grocery. There's an old man sitting across from me. Then another man approaches the benches and he gives me the look. What do they want from me? I didn't do anything to all of these people. It seems like everybody I come across gives me that look. But I can't say anything. I can't ask them about it because then they'll think I'm even more crazy. Am I hallucinating their facial expressions or am I really just extremely hypervigilant like my therapist says? Is my PTSD really this bad?
I get on the bus home and now everyone's looking at me. I know it. I know they're plotting to kill me. But they're going to do stuff to me. They all know what was done to me as a child and they're going to do it again. I just don't know when. I see a man rub his nose. Is that a sign? Is he signing to the girl across from me? Why do they all want to hurt me? Do they all talk about me when I get off the bus?
Thank God I finally get off the bus. I walk down the street towards my apartment and there's a lady right behind me. She walks right behind me for a few blocks and I keep looking behind me. Why is she following me? Is she in on it too? Some of them follow me. Like that one guy who followed me into my apartment building. I had never seen him before. They know where I live. They even know the floor. They're just waiting to attack and kill me.
This "scenario" took place in a few hours today and I have been constantly battling these thoughts for about a month. My mother told me to remember that people are innately good and that not everybody is out to harm me. Sometimes that's easy to say but hard to understand when you've gone through what I've gone through. It seems that my PTSD is very high lately. Dealing with these constant paranoid thoughts takes everything out of me. The hardest thing is not to approach people and ask them if they're plotting against me because I think it will make matters worse. Dealing with all of this, I am constantly trying to dissect the truth from the lies.
I want to end this post with a song that I came across today because it speaks truth into the battles that we face. It's called God Only Knows by Joy Williams. This song came into my day right when I needed it.
Today has been a difficult day.... Just a day full of struggling to get through without ending up in a hospital. I just talked to my mom about what has been going on and she thinks I may be hallucinating. I don't know exactly what's been going on but I've been dealing with it for about a month. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Struggling with paranoia and psychosis is difficult in that the line between reality and fantasy become mixed and it's hard to dissect what's really going on. On one hand, I'm experiencing the world in one way and on the other hand, I have people telling me it's not real. I've had to talk through a lot of my observations and thoughts. I believe in many ways that people are after me or know more about me than I think they know- that everyone is plotting something against me. I've been waiting for their plot to come to an end. But I'm not even sure there is a plot. I think my history of going through abuse and neglect has a lot to play into my paranoia and psychosis. My PTSD is mixed in with the chaos of my paranoia and psychosis. I was constantly threatened as a little child. My father tried to kill me multiple times. When I was a teenager, my mom's ex boyfriend almost hired a hitman to kill my father for what he had done to me. Point blank... My life has been very complicated and frightening at times. Which is all the more reason I cling to the love, hope and peace in God. I find comfort and truth in Him. It is only through God that I can dissect what's real and what's not. It's a constant battle, but I'm willing to fight it. I've already overcome so much. I was thinking earlier about the fact that I have three very serious disorders- schizoaffective disorder (mix of schizophrenia and bipolar), Asperger's syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- but I still function pretty well. My friend last night said that I hide everything well. Other than writing on my blog, I do not really let a lot of people into what's going on in my head. Partly because I think people don't know how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make it through each day in one piece without going to the hospital. It's quite a journey but God has called me to this life for some reason. Someone was wearing a shirt at the concert I went to last night that said "It's not easy to be me but somebody's gotta do it." No matter how bad the days get, God has called me to triumph over my difficulties. The lyrics of one of my favorite songs, Stand by Britt Nicole say:
To say today was exciting would be a grave understatement. Today, after work, I went to a concert with For King & Country and to meet some of the staff of The Joy FM, a radio station that has helped me through many difficulties. The station has been a constant throughout my five hospitalizations in the past year. No matter what happens each day, I know that I can turn on the radio and feel better. For King & Country sang a few songs but they said some things that really meant a lot to me. They talked about our worth as human beings and being the man or woman that we were made to be. At one point, they said to hold our head high and be confident. That meant a lot. As someone who has been treated less than I'm told I deserve through abusive situations, it meant a lot to hear them talk about our worth in God. Sometimes it's so difficult to move forward in confidence, but if we believe in God, we can truly weather any storm that life throws at us. I met with the band afterwards and briefly told them what it meant to me.
Afterwards, I talked to some of the staff of The Joy FM, a Christian radio station here. Meeting them meant more than words I can write or express. They have helped me through so many storms this past year by making me laugh and by speaking truth into my life when I most need to hear it. They feel a lot like family. It was a blessing to be able to tell them what the station means to me.
I want to end this post with my new favorite song by For King & Country called Crave.
Last night, I watched an episode of Extreme Weight Loss. In the episode I watched, a woman named Meredith works to reach her goal of weighing 155 pounds. She has tried everything she could to lose weight but she's been unsuccessful. And that's why she has to get to the root of her overeating: the fact that she was given away and adopted as a baby. She has felt the sense of rejection for the majority of her life. As she works through the feelings associated with the adoption, she finds acceptance and her real meaning in life. Sometimes what we need to do in order to move forward is get at the root of the negative things in our lives. Right now, in my own recovery, I'm working to get to the root of my illnesses: the abuse and neglect I endured for many years as a child and teenager. There is a ton of hurt, distrust and other negative feelings that come with being severely abused for so many years. I deal with feelings of rejection, betrayal and hurt among a myriad of other associated feelings. For the past month or so, I've been dealing with paranoia. I've been working through the paranoid thoughts with my therapist. I've been working to find truth in the paranoia, to reach down into my trust issues and find out what's real. I think that distrust is the root of my paranoia. On one hand, I am sucked into believing that everybody is plotting against me. But the other hand says that people are not after me, that there are people who care deeply about me. Sometimes I really want to react to others if I think they're after me. But when I do, I instead think to myself, "They're not after you. You'll be okay. Just move forward." I try to think about the logic of everyone conspiring against me. After Father's Day a few weeks ago, my therapist told me to reframe the holiday by doing something nice for families, like cleaning up a park where families go... something to support good fathers. My therapist has started to help me reframe my past and look at it in a new light so it doesn't have the control it's had in my life for so long. I'm starting to go away from my comfort zone to overcome the negative feelings that have haunted me for so long. It's a struggle but it's a battle I'm willing to fight. In a way, it's making the negative into positive. It's looking at my past in a different way that can help me move forward. For me, it means moving forward in spite of all the garbage I've been through and are going through. I'm actually glad that a few people have said that the medications will not really help the paranoia I'm dealing with. They told me I have to work through the paranoia by challenging my thought patterns. I like challenging the negative thoughts because it is about taking back power and control. It's about standing up for what I endured as a child. It's one of the most difficult things I've done but I'm up for the challenge. It's truly helping me to heal.
"this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
and reaching forth unto those things which are before"
-Philippians 3:13 (KJV)
"Therefore if any man be in Christ,
he is a new creature:
old things are passed away;
behold, all things are become new."
-2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)
Each new day is an adventure and part of the struggle to take back my life that was taken, but it is an opportunity to become new in Christ. It is a chance to heal in a way I have never done before.
I watched the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World last night. At first, I thought it was just one of those strange and awkward films, but the more I watched it, the more I saw how relevant it is to my life and life in general. Without giving too much away, Scott Pilgrim wants to date a girl named Ramona Flowers. In order to do so, he has to defeat her seven "evil exes." What stood out to me as I watched the movie was how the past intruded the present. The past haunted both Scott and Ramona. It was something to defeat. Something to overcome. Their past was always "just around the corner," waiting for another fight. You never knew what was to come in the next scene. In the same way, I am trying to defeat my past. The past haunts me through flashbacks and nightmares. Each and every day I relive traumatic experiences from my past. My past is something to overcome. I had therapy this morning and to say it was difficult is kind of an understatement. I am exhausted from therapy, especially today. I talk about the extreme abuse, the details that nobody wants to hear, the details that I have held in for so long, the details that invade my mind at various points during the day. It kind of feels like opening Pandora's box. But in order to move on from the past, I have to go through it and deal with it. In going through it, we can overcome it in a way that it no longer has the power it does. That's exactly what Scott Pilgrim did. He courageously fought the past and even himself. At one point in the movie, someone says to Scott "If you want something bad, you have to fight for it." He was referencing Ramona but I believe it applies to anything that we truly want in this life. What I strive for each day is to feel freedom in Christ. I do not want my past to intrude into my present anymore. I want to be free from my past. And that is what I'm fighting hard for. I'm fighting to get rid of the shame. I'm fighting to get rid of the paranoia. I'm fighting to take back control. That's why I continue to go to therapy and talk through some of the most difficult things one can endure. This life is not easy sometimes, but if we want to move forward, we have to fight through the darkness and chaos. At another point in the movie, Scott says to Ramona that he doesn't care about her past- that he still loves her even after dealing with her past exes. I believe that's how God looks at us. He doesn't see our pasts. He sees the present and the future. He wipes away every mistake, every regret and helps us to move forward. This movie helped me to understand what it means to face our past headon. It's scary. It can be difficult. It can take all of our energy and can feel like it takes all of us to defeat it. But we can do it if we set our eyes on God and move through those deep, dark places.
"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.”He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again."
-1 Kings 19:3-6 (NIV)
This morning, I went to another church, different than the one I usually go to, but one that I have been to before. The sermon focused on the first 18 verses of 1 King 19, a passage that I have often turned back to throughout my faith journey. It is a reminder to me of God's love and provision.
No doubt that Elijah was upset. He asked God to take his life. I first came across this passage during my 10 month medical leave after I attempted suicide in college. It gave me comfort knowing that even prophets struggled sometimes and had to deal with feelings of depression and anger. There have been moments in my own life when I've said "I have had enough," wanting to throw in the towel and call it a day. So did Elijah. In this passage, Elijah came to "the end of himself." He was so down and depressed that he needed to fully depend on God's grace and goodness to make it through.
What happens next shows how amazing our God is. At Elijah's most likely lowest time in his life, he sleeps. As the pastor said this morning, "Depression is exhausting." When I battled depression in college, I often was very tired and wanted to sleep a lot. During Elijah's sleep, God sent an angel to feed Elijah. God provided Elijah with exactly what he needed to finish the journey. God provides us with what we need to continue our journey, even when we are at our lowest. God provides when we feel our world crumbling down.
The end of ourselves can be the beginning of a powerful relationship with God. I've come closer to God every time I feel my world crashing down. Because when I am that low, God's strength comes into my life. I have experienced God's power, grace, hope, peace and love in a whole new way during my difficult times. When I attempted suicide nearly four years ago, I said out loud, "This is it." I don't know necessarily who I said it to but God has told me that that was not it at all- that there is much more to live for. He has continually shown me that the end of myself is the beginning of His strength inside of me. There is much more to look forward to. There is a reason to keep living and fighting.
I want to share a song that I came across yesterday morning. I downloaded it and have been listening to it nonstop because it is so powerful. The song speaks to how our God is still God, even in our most difficult times.
I came across the following quote in my journal...
"The prostitute's tears cleansed the feet of the most perfect man on earth; His forgiveness cleansed the soul of the most sinful woman in town! She instantly made the transition from self-loathing to peace when Jesus forgave her and restored her dignity." -Rebeeca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman's Soul As someone who has suffered abuse for many years, I often deal with shame and feelings of guilt. But something that I have been realizing these past few months is the beauty in Jesus's redemption. Redemption to me means that I am no longer guilty or dirty, but cleansed. The past is over and done with. God can turn the impure into pure. He can turn the impossible into the possible. He can transform the broken into a beautiful masterpiece. He is bigger than anything we will be faced with. God is helping me understand my past in a different way. I've often blamed myself for the abuse I endured, partly because I was told it was all of my fault. Slowly I am learning that I did not cause any of it. And it's not my fault. I was an innocent child who was taken advantage of. The feelings of guilt and shame are slowly going away as God is restoring me. He is renewing my life and helping me work through the feelings that accompany many years of abuse. Something that spoke to me is that Jesus allowed the prostitute to wash his feet, something that at the time was seen as making him unclean. He allowed it. He welcomed her. He cared for her. He forgave her sins. He didn't see her as an outcast. As someone who has been abused and who has often felt too unclean for God to love me, this story means a lot to me. To me, redemption means a clean slate. It means that no matter what happened in the past, it's in the past. Even if it made us impure. Even if it hurt us. Even if we are unclean. God loves us no matter what. I want to share a song that means a lot to me that relates to this. It's called At the Foot of the Cross.
Here is one of my favorite photos of me when I was a kid.
I love it because it looks like I'm ready to conquer the world or soar up into the sky. This picture was taken when I was still being abused. I think it shows my resilience- that even though I was being abused and my family was starting to be torn apart, I was able to smile.
And that brings me to what I wanted to blog about today: conquering difficulties.
Many of you know that I struggle with multiple disorders. Fun times. Sometimes it can get downright discouraging and difficult. But no matter how difficult things get, I aim to never give up.
A few months ago, I was paranoid and psychotic. I thought the FBI was after me. I thought everyone was against me. I thought people were never going to talk to me again. I was about to give up. I wanted to give up. But what happened next shows the determination that I had not to give up. I called the police to get me to the hospital. I was terrified of the police, but I knew that if I had any chance of getting better, I had to go to the hospital.
Sometimes what we are called to do during difficult times seems insurmountable. Sometimes when we are called to conquer things, it takes all of us. But God's strength inside of us gives us the courage and determination we need to rise, get up and conquer our difficulties.
At bible study last night, we talked about how to get through the difficulties and we read the following verse. I've often read this verse when I feel like giving up or that my difficulties are too big to conquer.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."
-2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIV)
No matter how painful, how challenging, how difficult things get, we must never give up. When things get difficult, we need to turn to God and rely on His strength to get through. We can trust in Him, that He can get us through anything. I know personally because I've gotten through extreme abuse, neglect, homelessness, grief/loss, and multiple disorders. I know what it's like to want to give up. But I also know what it means to get up and conquer obstacles. I believe that the more difficult things get, the greater God's strength will show through. The deeper the pain, the greater God's light.
I want to share one of my favorite songs, He Said by Group 1 Crew. I listened to this song when my circumstances kept getting worse earlier this year. It has been a reminder to me of God's strength and His love. In the chorus, they sing:
"I might let you bend, but I won't let you break"
No matter how broken you feel or seem, nothing is too big for God to handle or to fix. So we must never give up.
I was just looking through my notebook/diary to see if I could find something to write about. I came across the following question from Breaking Free by Beth Moore:
Can you think of a time when you were suddenly awash
with the magnitude of God's love for you personally?
I think I've had quite a few moments when I felt overwhelmed by God's love.
I think the earliest time happened in my childhood. When I was being abused, I used to imagine myself flying in the sky. Soaring above the mountaintops. Soaring high and free. Dissociation helped me to escape the pain of the abuse. I think God helped me survive the abuse through dissociation. He brought freedom into my captivity in a very meaningful way.
Another moment happened when I was a teenager. I went on a retreat with my youth group. It was really intense and I had opened up to them about my abuse. I remember when I told them everything I had gone through, there was not a dry eye in the room. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and encouragement. At one point during the retreat, we had to go home and take a shower. I will never forget what happened next...
I was taking a bath and something told me to raise my arm up. Next thing I knew, I couldn't close my hand and I literally felt God's grip on my hand. I literally felt like I was shaking hands with God. In essence, He was saying "I'm washing you. Making you white as snow."
Another moment I felt God's love was when I went to the hospital at age 17 after a suicide attempt. The morning I went, I just grabbed some clothes and put them on, not really paying any attention. We got to the hospital and they told me to take my jacket off. I took it off and I looked down. The shirt I had on said "SAVED!" in huge letters and I felt God telling me that everything was going to be okay.
I've felt God's love in the many people who took me in when I was a homeless youth. I've felt God's love in the people who spoke encouraging words into my life. I've felt God's love through the countless prayers that have been said on my behalf. I've felt God's love in the people who believed in me, even when I had trouble believing in myself. I've felt God throughout my life.
Without God's love, I wouldn't be here.
I want to continue to trade in my sorrows for God's love and joy.
Today has been a better day than the last few. I've been battling against some paranoia. But today it has been almost nonexistent. Why? Because I've been challenging the thoughts. I've been questioning the thoughts that come into my head. When I think that everybody in town is after me and they are all conspiring to get me, I question it. I ask myself questions like, How possible is it that thousands of people are after me?
I've also talked to people who I know and trust and they've helped me to realize that my thoughts are false. They've reassured me that everything is okay and nobody's after me. It took a few people telling me this for it to finally sink in.
Part of my treatment is about questioning my negative thoughts or ideas. It's about challenging the challenges that I've been faced with. Challenging the negative thoughts is difficult, especially when you've learned negative thinking your whole life through abuse. For many years, all I really knew was fear. I've been told I am nothing and treated like I am nothing for so long that I've taken it in.
Slowly I am learning what it is to be loved. To be someone. To be greater than the negative.
I think a big part of our lives lies in our ability to challenge our challenges. Challenging the negative thoughts that we face. Finding the truth of who we are and what we're made of.
I want to share another scene from a movie I love, The Pursuit of Happyness. No matter how many times I watch the movie, I cry at the end when the main character gets the job despite all the challenges that he has faced, namely homelessness. My mother got me this movie after our own period of homelessness. The last scene makes me so excited because getting the job was so difficult, and yet he did it. I've had my own moments of joy when I've raised my arms and cried. I have overcome extreme abuse, neglect, homelessness, and loss. I've had to overcome the challenges of having PTSD and schizoaffective disorder. I've had to overcome enormous challenges to get to where I am. I graduated at the top of my high school class and the top of my college class. I graduated with honors with a Bachelors in Biomedical Engineering despite four hospitalizations. I made it through my first year of graduate school with a 3.5 GPA, despite five hospitalizations and missing nearly two months of classes. I think the greater the challenges, the greater the success feels.
I've had to challenge the challenges that I have gone through. And each day that I move forward is a new day, a new opportunity. Every day that I make it through and I accomplish something, I celebrate "happyness" despite all the negativity. I think that's one of the greatest things we can experience here on earth: joy amidst suffering. Find the good despite the bad...
I did something extremely difficult today. I talked about the details of my abuse with my therapist. She asked me questions and I told her the nitty gritty details of what happened to me for 7 years.
Part of me doesn't like telling the details because my PTSD tends to be heightened and the pain of going through it by speaking about it is tremendous. For most of the day after therapy, it was hard to take my mind off of it. Another part of me doesn't like telling the details because I don't know how the other person or people will react. Because I was told for so many years that nobody would ever believe me, it's kind of gotten ingrained in my head.
But today was different. She asked me questions and did not seem to be overwhelmed with what happened to me. I've had a few therapists even cry when I told them. And I wonder why. Because I don't usually cry about it. I think I've been kind of desensitized in a way.
The past few times I've told a lot of details, I've thought the people I was telling didn't believe me. As I told one therapist about my life, her eyes kept getting wider and wider. She looked confused and in disbelief. So I asked her, "Why are you looking at me like that?" She said, "I'm trying to take it all in. That's a lot for one small person to go through." You're telling me.
Therapy is something that I've usually found to be beneficial. Given the right therapist, I have been able to talk about my issues and move forward. Currently, I am talking about my traumatic experiences and also working on challenging my paranoid thinking.
As I've posted in recent posts, I've been dealing with some paranoia. I think that others are after me and that people are talking behind my back, conspiring against me. The last few days, I've been talking to people and they've been helping me to challenge these thoughts. For instance, I keep thinking about the possibility that everyone in town is against me. Wouldn't I know if everyone was? Why would everybody be after me?
Paranoia and psychosis are tricky to deal with. But through therapy, I'm managing the paranoia quite well. My therapist agreed that the paranoia is something that the meds might not help so I have to cognitively work through the paranoid thoughts. With the medication, it's at a level that I am able to do this.
Mental illness is not easy, especially with a history of abuse, neglect, homelessness and loss. But moving forward can be done. Slowly but surely. I am amazed at how resilient I have been and at how far I have come. Not a day goes by that I am not amazed that I am getting a Masters in December. I've been told that I've endured more than most people go through in a lifetime and I've accomplished so much. I've had people tell me they'd buckle under only one of the things I've gone through. My resilience comes from God's strength. I get up every morning because I know that each new day is from God.
A scene from Sister Act 2 just came into my mind, when a young boy sings "Oh Happy Day." When he first sings, he is really shy and you can barely hear him. But then Whoopi encourages and helps him. He bursts out with an absolutely beautiful voice. I think in the same vein, we need to give this life all we got inside of us. With the right encouragement, courage and strength, we can burst with love, peace and joy because no matter how difficult this life gets, we always know that God is beside us and within us. We can sing our song of God's goodness and grace to those around us.
I don't really know what I want to talk about today. Today is one of the roughest days for me by far all year. I am triggered much more than usual, making things much more difficult. I have been trying to avoid Facebook. I am happy for those who have good fathers who treated them correctly, but today is a reminder of how awful my father is. I don't hate my father, though. I hate what he did to me. I hate that my life is full of difficulty because he abused me for years. He did everything opposite of what a father should do. I have spent most of my life trying to recover from his abuse. I don't like to call him my father, because he never treated me like a father should treat his daughter. My brother even calls him by his first name because we can't bear to call him our father. I don't really know what to talk about because I'm being triggered more than usual and not really in the mood to write. I've had a ton of flashbacks this morning. I just pray for those like me who don't know what it means to have a father, whether their father abandoned them, abused them or just isn't a part of their life. I hope you know that you're not alone. I hope you know that you can get through days like today. I think that it's okay to be upset today. I think it's okay to be upset about what my father did to me. I think it's okay to be angry. This year has been extraordinarily difficult but I am finally healing from my father's abuse. I'm taking steps that I didn't know I would take or was scared to take. I'm moving through the trauma and moving forward. Moving forward can be a big thing. Most of all, I am glad to know the love of God, my real Father. It is His love that gets me through each day and His support that keeps me going. I would not be anywhere close to where I am without Him. Today, I am thankful for God.
"I have watched over them, I have protected them, and I have defended them. I've walked in front of them, behind them, and in the midst of them. I have nursed those that were sick, I have chased after some that went astray, and I have led them to the places where they needed to go, keeping them away from danger." -Mac Brunson, Paralyzed by Fear or Empowered by Hope For those who didn't read my post yesterday, instead of celebrating Father's Day, I celebrate God Day. I grew up in an abusive home in which I never really learned what it meant to have a father. Throughout my life, I have grown up knowing God as my real Father, which is why I call it God Day. I chose to focus on the quote above because I think that it not only resembles what God does for each of us, but it serves as a reminder to fathers about their roles in our lives. God protects.He keeps us from harm. For many years I had trouble understanding this because of my surroundings growing up. The place where I was supposed to feel the most comfort in my life, my home, was full of turmoil, terror and fear. I never knew when I would be abused next. My sense of safety was destroyed. So was my sense of a father's protection. He did the opposite of protecting me. I still deal with issues with my sense of safety as I deal with paranoia. But God has continually shown me that He cares about me and wants me to be safe. He helped rescue me from that home and He has saved my life a few times. God defends us. God fights for us when we have no strength to fight for ourselves. He brings His strength into our lives when we have no strength left to fight. Trust me, when I went through the abuse, I thought there was no end in sight. But it did end and I am very thankful for that. God was there, right beside me, fighting through and it eventually stopped. God walks with us.Sometimes He walks in front of us, sometimes He walks behind us and sometimes He walks beside us. I'll never forget when I went against my father to get a restraining order and my therapist at the time told me that God was going in front of me. It gave me great comfort to know that He already has gone before me and He was fighting for me. I was absolutely terrified, because I had to see my father in court and my PTSD was very bad then, even worse than it is now. I truly believe that God walks with us throughout our lives, helping us through the most difficult times. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. God helps those who are sick. As someone who deals with a few disorders and sicknesses, I know personally that God helps us through. In my own personal life, He helps me discern the truth from lies or deception when I'm dealing with my paranoia. He helps comfort me after I have flashbacks and nightmares due to my PTSD. He helps me get through the days when my disorders are really bad by providing me with strength. God searches for those who are lost. Quite a few times in my spiritual/religious life, I've lost connection with God, but God has always brought me back to Himself. He reminds me of how He has helped me, rescued me and saved my life. He never forgets us, especially when we are lost or we lose sight of Him. God leads us. If we put our lives in God's hands, He can help lead us to where He wants us to be. Whenever I have to make a big decision about where I need to go, I always pray to God for discernment. He has led me to amazing places in my life, which I am very grateful for. I never would have made it this far in my life without His guidance. And for fun, to end this blog, here are two more baby photos of me:
I finished my first week working at my new job and it feels great! I like the people I work with and things are going smoothly. However, I'm still dealing with some paranoia. I'm aware of it but things are still challenging. I think that my father is trying to get everyone to not believe me and to not care about me. For years, he told me nobody would believe me if I told them what happened. Earlier this year it was worse and I thought nobody believed me, including my doctors. It's difficult, because I wish it all was a lie. I wish I was making all of it up. But it's all in court records and other records. It's gotten to the point that sometimes even I think it's a lie, but how could a mind make up all that stuff for 20 some-odd years and have all the paperwork to prove it? Anyway, guess what! God Day is this Sunday. I think I'm also being triggered because Father's Day is coming up. I call it God Day because my true Father is God. I despise Father's Day because I am triggered more than usual. I'm probably going to avoid social networking this weekend as much as possible because the triggers are everywhere, even more than normal. Father's Day is the one Sunday of the year that I usually skip church. It's not that I don't like others celebrating their fathers. It's just that it is a reminder of everything that my father was and is not. He was never there for me. When my mom and I were homeless, he didn't even pay child support when we most needed it. He was always hurting me, throughout my life not just in my childhood. It is not easy seeing the person who is the reason I have PTSD throughout my life. You have no idea how much I wish that he was in jail for everything but he got away. However, please don't get me wrong. I love that others have great fathers. I'm not jealous of them because I've never known what having a father means. You don't know what you're missing if you don't have it to begin with. I consider myself to be fatherless. Anyone who has heard my life story and what happened will agree that I don't have a father. He was everything but. I have heard that fathers are supposed to treat their children like God treats each one of us. I've often had difficulty understanding who God is because my father never showed me who God was. Although he did think he was God. Before I got my restraining order, he used to send me letters and cards sometimes that ended with a signature saying "your one and only Father" or similar things. When I was being abused, he often called himself God or referenced himself as God. I think that's why it's taken so long to understand God's unconditional love. In many ways, I feel as if I've been brainwashed. Things have been twisted in my mind. Even through all of the difficulties and challenges, God has continually shown me what unconditional love means. He has shown me who He is even without an earthly father. He helps me to discern the lies from the truth of what my earthly father has told me. One of my favorite songs of all time is This Christmas by TobyMac. I know it's not Christmas but I'm going to post the song anyways. I listened to this song every time I was in the car ride to go to therapy as a teenager. It helped remind me that God is my true Father and that God cares about those who are fatherless. Like most of the music I listen to, it helped me tremendously through a difficult time.
Not a lot of people know that I have a teddy bear. Teddy, my beloved teddy bear, helps me to calm down and get through my flashbacks when I'm home.
My family has a few theories about why I have Teddy and why he helps me. One of the theories is that when I go back in time to when I was being abused as a child, I cope like I coped as a little child. Going through many many years of abuse and neglect has made it difficult to cope. When I hug Teddy, I feel comforted. I calm down. I know he's not going to yell at me or hurt me. I can hug him and feel loved.
When I was growing up, I had a doll that I was inseparable from. Much like Teddy, she comforted me during the many years of abuse I endured. I spent many nights hugging the baby doll as I cried myself to sleep. I still sometimes cry myself to sleep when I hug Teddy.
I loved that baby doll and she comforted me much like Teddy does.
I've had Teddy for 8 years and I really didn't get attached to him until my PTSD got worse when I was being harrassed by my father. My depression got worse and I needed comfort. It's hard for me to relate to others. I found that hugging him helps me to recover from my flashbacks. I feel less lonely. Teddy has also been there for me in nearly all of my hospitalizations. Being in the hospital can be terrifying and having him with me has helped. Quite a few times I've wondered if I have multiple personality disorder. I know that some people who have endured many years of abuse suffer from it. Sometimes when I have flashbacks, I tend to have a difficult time getting out of them and coming back to the present. I'm a little child again. Lately, I've been having anywhere between 5 to 20 flashbacks a day. Some days are better, some days are worse. Today I had fourteen. Teddy, to me, is a constant reminder of God. He loves me no matter what. He doesn't yell or harm me. I can trust him. He hugs me when I'm crying. He comforts me. I guess part of the reason I have Teddy is that it's hard to relate to others. I'm scared to get to know others sometimes because I don't know what they'll think when they hear about my past. I know that I won't be judged when I hug him. I don't know all the reasons why I have Teddy but what I do know is that he has helped me through a lot. He has calmed me down many times and that means a lot. Some people may wonder why I don't have a pet but pets tend to trigger my PTSD so I try to avoid them. I'm just glad I have something that comforts me.
Trust. I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them. It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day. Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun. I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times. Point blank, it's not a great way to live. But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help. Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything. "Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach." -Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life. I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him. I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.
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