My paranoia and psychosis is really bad again. I see people sticking out their tongues or licking their lips everywhere I go and I think it's aimed at me. They look at me when they do it, so I know it's aimed at me. I don't know what I did to make them do it but I feel like someone spread a rumor about me.
My mom thinks that I'm hallucinating them sticking out their tongue, but her disbelief in my reality is just making things worse. It's making me question whether it's really happening and it's making me feel hopeless because I see them do it. I don't want to have hallucinations if that's what this is.
Point blank. I want to know if what's happening is real or not. And I want it to stop, because it's not funny if people are purposely making my paranoia worse. It's triggering my depression and making all my symptoms worse. I cry at several points during my day because it hurts. I've tried my best to avoid people in general.
I wish that more people knew that mental illness is not a joke. Yeah, I may do funny things but having mental illness can be devastating, especially when you have multiple illnesses. When I was in the hospital with psychosis a few months ago, I thought my oldest brother had faked his suicide and he was still alive. It took all of my strength when I realized that my oldest brother really is dead. My mind believed that he was alive.
I just really want this chaos in my mind to stop. I want my depression to go away. I want my flashbacks to go away. I want my paranoia to go away. I want to be "normal" again.
I'm trying my best to move forward in my life but there's still a lot holding me back. It's taking all of me to press on, but I know that things will get better. I have faith that they will.
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