My Escape

Ever since I posted a few days ago about my Aspergian quirks, I've been noticing them even more. It seems that numbers and patterns invade my life even more than I initially thought.

The following picture may seem simple and blank to most...

but to me, it is a pattern... an intricate beautiful pattern of lopsided squares (rhombi). I count them in 5's and go onto the next column after I get to a multiple of 5. I think about interchanging them, like permutations. How many different combinations can I get of the squares? If every square contained a prime number, what would be the sum? Fibonnaci numbers?

Not only is it about numbers but this picture is a reflection. I think about the angle of the sun and the various physics concepts that go along with light. I think about photodynamic therapy and photon emission.

My mind thinks of these things all day long. I like to play games like this. I like to think about quantum physics. I like to keep my mind busy in order to keep it off the stuff from my past. Numbers, patterns and permutations have nothing to do with the abuse and neglect I endured for most of my childhood and teenage years. 

They are my escape.

I find comfort in numbers. I think, for some reason, it makes me feel like I am in control. I can figure out mathematical games. Numerical questions are problems that I can fix, whereas my past is something I just have to live with.

The same photo above not only reminds me of numbers, but it also reminds me of how for so long, I felt like a captive or a prisoner in my childhood home. And every day, I am getting closer and closer to breaking free of that captivity. Due to my PTSD, I am still held captive in many ways.

Numbers are numbers. They are defined. 

So many things in this life are not defined and slowly but surely you have to get closer to the truth... of who you are in God. You can't let circumstances define who you are. There are so many things in this life that we can't answer but we just have to have faith and move forward.