Not Ashamed

My paranoia has been going away the past few days and I feel myself coming back to my normal state. Paranoia is terrifying and takes you away from "normal." It puts you in a state of constant, uncontrollable fear and dread. Every interaction with others is full of fear. It took all of me to go to work, because the paranoia even invaded my job, although I tried to hide it as much as possible.

Today marks three months since I got out of my last hospitalization. With 5 hospitalizations in the last 10 months, this is the longest stretch of time I've had out of the hospital since my move to Florida. It is refreshing and encouraging. Even though I've dealt with intense paranoia and psychosis while out of the hospital, I've been able to maintain my new job and move forward through therapy and meeting with my psychiatrist. 

I've been able to move forward despite the challenges.

If anything, I wish that more people knew what it was like to have a mental illness or were at least more aware of what it's like. People are all too quick to judge someone with mental illness and sometimes that's because it's kind of an "invisible" disability. Even though it's "invisible," it can have devastating consequences on someone's life. 

I would never wish it upon anybody, but I wish there was more understanding. I've been vocal about my disorders because I'm not ashamed. It's not my fault that I have mental illnesses. They are very challenging and I am proud of how far I've come. I am proud that I've lived on my own and fully financially supported myself for the past year. My mental illnesses are extremely difficult at times, especially when I feel alone because nobody understands, but I take every day as it comes.

I'm not ashamed to be mentally ill.

God created me with the mental illnesses and so I am going to live to the best of my ability and shine His light in the darkness on this earth.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

-Psalm 139:14(NIV)