Carrying On

Lord, I feel trapped now. I do not know who to trust because it feels like everybody who has said they care or would be there was not there for me. I feel like I have nobody here and it is extremely frightening...It's like people take one look at me and want to hurt me. Help me to change this...

I wrote these words a few months ago probably in the deepest pit I had ever been before. It was the onset of my physical symptoms (stuttering and spasms) and I also was paranoid. Not yet psychotic, I think. I didn't trust anyone. I was terrified.

"A pit is an abyss so deep the dweller within it feels like the living dead."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

I've had moments like that a lot lately...points where I feel completely overwhelmed by negative things in my life. Today and the past few days, I've been feeling a bit paranoid. Not sky high paranoid, but nonetheless paranoid. I think people are doing things toward me and I'm not sure if somebody's spreading rumors about me or I'm just paranoid. I haven't done anything to hurt anyone and my mother says there's no way people could be mad at me.

A few pages after the quote above in my journal, oddly enough there is another very related quote...

"A pit is so poorly lit we can no longer see things that may have once been obvious to us. That's another reason we often stay in a pit. Without windows we're convinced we have nowhere else to go."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

Can you relate to that?

I know I can.

Pits are so overwhelming that you lose yourself in them. You often forget that God has bigger and better plans for your life, because all you see around you is darkness.

But there is hope.

No matter how dark things get, never lose hope. God has mighty plans for each of us, no matter what darkness comes into our lives. He has plans that you and I couldn't even dream up.

So that's why I carry on and keep moving forward in hope...