Today was a better day than most I've had lately.
I had therapy early this morning. I talked to my therapist about the fact that people keep licking their lips or sticking their tongue out at me, making me paranoid. Most of the conversation was her reiterating that the probability that all these strangers are aiming at me is highly unlikely. If they are sticking their tongues out at me, then there is something wrong with them, not me. She said I probably am more susceptible to focusing on it because of my PTSD.
I went to work after therapy and I saw only a few people stick out their tongue. But what was new was that I didn't become paranoid from it. I think this is because my therapist/psychologist practically nailed it into my mind how unlikely it is that others are doing it at me. I also think it's because I didn't go anywhere on Saturday so my paranoia was nonexistent. It gave my mind time to cool down.
She told me that I have social anxiety. I have to say that I agree with that. It takes all of me to go to social events and I only usually go if I have an escape route, some way to leave early if I feel uncomfortable. At social events, I usually stand or sit alone. I'm not good at small talk. Never have been. I either want to talk about deep things or just not talk. Small talk for me is awkward. Unnatural.
If I had my way, I would live at the lake... alone. Just me and God.
But that's not reality. The reality is that I have to face my fears and get up and meet the day. I need to meet the challenges I've been given. The fact is that I need to be with others, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.
I don't think anybody truly knows how much it means to have someone sit down next to me at church or another event or how much it means to be given a hug and welcomed. As someone who feels somewhat of an outcast, it means the world.
It means the world to be welcomed...
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