Taking Back Control

There's something about moving to a new place that is so exciting. I've spent the last two days or so discovering things about my new place and seeing how close I am to places (or how far).

One of the things I love about my new place is that people actually decorate the outside of their apartments. So I joined the club this morning and decorated the outside of my apartment with a table and a chair that I found yesterday. It's a perfect place to sit out and read.

People at my new apartment are so nice. I've had a chance to meet quite a few of my new neighbors in the past few days and it's been a blessing. Not to mention that at my last apartment, I didn't know anyone on my floor until 3 months after I moved in. I love the environment of my new apartment.

I am currently reading a book about paranoia and terror. It was written by a trauma therapist and so I have found it incredibly interesting and helpful even though it's focused on the aftermath of 9/11. I wanted to share a passage that really spoke to me yesterday.

"The [terrorist's] strategy is that of a playground bully who targets someone for random ambush beatings. Of course, the bully may get a charge out of watching his victim suffer physically...but ultimately, it is a psychological game that he plays. What even the grade-school tyrant enjoys most is knowing that his victim feels helpless, and far too hopeless...In this way, he gains influence over another person- keeps him in a state of fear and dread, not just at the time and place of the beatings, but day in and day out."
-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

As I read this quote, I thought to myself, That's what happened to me on a smaller scale in the years of abuse I endured!

What this quote made me realize is that I really do have the control of how much power I give my abuser. It's a "psychological game." For years, I was frightened as a child, but I don't have to let that be my life for the rest of my life. That was then and this is now. It's a new day.

I've had people tell me that the abuse is not actually about the abuse but instead it's about power and control. I think I know what that means now.

I want to take back the power that was stolen from me... I feel that this new move is a great way to begin my process of taking back control.