Desperate for a Miracle

I had another nightmare last night. For the third night in a row. There are really no words for my frustration right now.

I wish it all would go away. The flashbacks, the nightmares, the hypervigilance, the fear, the anxiety… I’ve been dealing with chronic/complex PTSD since I was 13 years old- for eleven someodd years.

I hate saying this but to be honest, I don’t know if God will ever heal me from my mental illnesses. I know He can, but I’ve been asking Him to for so long. I've kind of lost hope in that respect. I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m broken inside. Sometimes, I’m just so tired of fighting.

I want to be healed. I need to be healed.

I’ve tried tons of medications. I’ve been to healing ministries. I’ve been in therapy since the age of 6. None of it has fully healed me.

I want it all to go away.

I don’t want to have the “worst case” of PTSD my therapists and doctors have ever seen. I just want to get better and not have to be reminded constantly of the abuse I endured. I don’t want to be affected by the abuse anymore. I want to move forward. I want to be free. But I feel like I’m stuck and there’s no way to move forward.

I’m frustrated.

I’m tired.

I’m weary.

I don’t want this stuff to hold me back anymore from God’s plans for me. I know it’s not God’s plan for me to be stuck like this. It can’t be. There is more to life than suffering.

I hear about people being healed in the Bible all the time in church. Nothing can really explain how much I want to be healed. Nothing. I want to be healed like them. I want to be free like them.

I am desperate for a miracle.

This song just came to my mind...

I am ready.