SAP

Last night was the first night in four nights that I didn't have a nightmare. Progress.

Nightmares and flashbacks tend to increase my anxiety, which worsens my schizophrenia and bipolar. You see, I have something I'll call SAP, or selective attention paranoia. I don't believe that's actually a technical term but it best describes what happens.

A few days ago, when my anxiety and paranoia were very bad, I went to talk to an on call therapist. in order to divert a hospitalization. My anxiety was skyrocketing and I knew that if I didn't talk to someone, I'd be headed straight to the hospital.

When I was in therapy, the counselor said something that explains my SAP very well. 

Have you ever played the game Punch Buggy? If you haven't, I'll quickly explain the game. 

When you are driving or riding in a car, you look for buggies and if you see one, you punch someone next to you and say "punch buggy no take back." The first person to punch someone wins.

Anyways, the therapist explained that because of my hypervigilance, I am more aware of certain things that most people are not aware of (heightened awareness), just like when your attention is on something, like a buggy, you become more aware of it. All of a sudden, you notice more buggies than you did when your attention was not on them. Same thing with my paranoia. My attention is heightened towards certain things that trigger my PTSD and paranoia.

I hear people whispering behind my back while walking to class. 

I think it's about me.

I hear people coughing behind me or around me. 

I think it's about me. 

Someone follows me for a long time as I walk to class. 

I think they're following me.

Normal everyday things become abnormal.

So how do I work through this? How do I learn to get rid of or lessen the selective attention paranoia?

Well it's not easy but it's doable. Every time I think that something is about me, I tell myself "It's not about me and it means nothing." It actually helps a lot. I just repeat it until my paranoia goes away. The first part reminds me that everything that's happening is not about me (people are just living their daily lives) and the second part reminds me that what others are doing really has no meaning- i.e. they're just coughing, not doing it towards me- it's not aimed at me in any way.

SAP is frustrating, because I don't want to believe that people are after me or spreading rumors about me. I just want to be normal and lead a normal life. Yet my brain is wired in such a way that I pay attention to the little things, the details and add some hidden meaning to it.