Step By Step

As a photographer and blogger, I try to take photos that represent my faith journey. I took the photo above a few days ago and it is supposed to represent my faith right now.

In many ways, I still feel imprisoned by fear, anxiety and my past. I am on my way to freedom, but I’m not there yet. It’s on the other side.  I feel as if I am on the verge of becoming free. I can catch glimpses of what it means to be totally free, but I’m still trying to process everything. 

In the photo, you can see shadows of the stuff on the other side of the fence, but you can’t make out exactly what it is. In some ways, it represents my confusion. Most of the other side is dark- the unknown. Sometimes the unknown is terrifying. 

But peeking through the fence is light, just like how the light of God shines into our darkness and confusion. He brings clarity to our confusion and chaos.

I just went out for a walk to try to calm down from yesterday. I had Kari Jobe’s “One Desire” on replay the entire walk. I love the chorus:

“In your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You’re the breath in me

You’re my everything.”

Every time I listen to this song, I can feel the Lord’s strength inside me. I feel enveloped by His presence.

My anxiety was high for most of yesterday but it was better than on Sunday and it tended to get better by the end of the day. I feel as if the cloud of depression is lifting. At this point, I’m just taking it day by day and my goal is to stay out of the hospital. With severe mental illness, you never really know what will happen. There is a lot of unknown. At any point, my mental illnesses could worsen or get better.

Step by step and day by day.