Innate Goodness

"Paranoia is...based on the feeling or perception that the world in general, and others in particular, are against me or us. Reality is perceived as hostile."
-Sam Keen

I came across this quote in the new book I am reading about paranoia and terrorism. I think it explains paranoia very well.

Paranoia is one of the most negative things I have ever experienced during my life, other than the abuse I endured for 7 years. When I am extremely paranoid, I cannot trust anyone. I think everybody, even the people trying to help, are after me. In one of my hospital visits, I thought the doctors were going to put me in a straitjacket and throw me in a lake full of alligators. I could not function at all. For most of that visit, I was curled up in a ball hearing voices telling me what the doctors were going to do.

Paranoia is absolutely terrifying. When I am fully paranoid, I think that nobody cares about me and that everybody hates me. It's not that I want to think those things. My logic says that's not true. But paranoia is illogical... It's that when I'm paranoid, those are the thoughts that come into my mind. I cannot really control it. It's nearly impossible to stop those thoughts without medication. The medications have gotten me to the point that I question my paranoid thoughts.

One of the things I have really come across lately is the innate goodness in people. My mom keeps reminding me of my innate goodness and that of others. 

A few days ago, I was at Krispy Kreme to get breakfast on the morning of my move and the man in front of me let me go before him (I don't know why) and the lady in front of him paid for my breakfast. 

One of my best friends in Gainesville helped me move in really hot weather. She has been an incredible blessing to me. Not only did she help me completely move but she also lent me an air mattress. 

I've also met a bunch of people in the past few days at my new apartment and they have all graciously welcomed me.

At the end of the day, I think that people are innately good and that they are not after me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point because it's not what I grew up in. I grew up in abuse and neglect. Healing is a process and takes time.

But slowly and surely, I am moving forward, out of my paranoia.

And it feels great...

God is ever faithful on my journey of mental illness. No matter what comes our way, He is for us.