Overwhelming Flood

Today is a great day.

Why, you ask?

Well today marks four months since my last hospitalization. That’s a third of the year! One of my main goals with dealing with my mental illnesses is to stay out of the hospital. It has not been easy, especially with my paranoia and psychosis acting up.

But I did it!

Today has also been challenging. I woke up and realized that I ran out of lithium. I have a refill at one pharmacy, but that pharmacy is closed today. I have been on the phone with a doctor for a bit trying to get them to call in the refill to another pharmacy that's open. I NEED my medication.

Good grief!

I believe I am moving forward in a positive direction. Staying out of the hospital takes sheer determination.

And therapy.

“In therapy, before we could begin to deal with the lasting neuropsychological effects of the trauma [my patient] endured, we needed to address her mind’s subsequent conversion of an ordinary truck driver into a shadowy figure who was scheming and evil.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

One of the things I addressed in my last blog post is the belief that people are generally good.

Paranoia blocks that belief. It questions it to the core.

The negative thoughts just come. They permeate my mind like an overwhelming flood.

When I’m paranoid, I think everybody is out to get me. I think that nobody cares about me. I believe I'm the worst person on earth.

I think part of it is that I struggle with trust issues due to my past. When I told someone about some of the abuse I endured, they said to me, “I hope you can come to realize that most people you meet in life will treat you better than that.”

That’s difficult for me to believe sometimes.

I want to believe it with all of my heart, soul and mind.

But I was abused and mistreated by the people who should have cared about me the most. They should have protected me, but they didn’t.

It’s really hard to fully trust someone.

Nearly impossible.

I always have my suspicions about people. 

Maybe they’re only caring about me because they want something. 

Maybe they’re only caring because it’s part of their job. 

Maybe I really am worthless and only deserve to be used.

That’s often my train of thought. And I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could see that I am worth it.

I want to believe it.

But when you’re mistreated for many years, it starts to get to you and you stop believing that people have your best interests at heart. I wish people understood that I want to trust them, but it’s just not that easy.

I want to trust.

I really do.

It takes all of me to trust.

But I'm willing to do anything to get rid of these trust issues.