Making It Through

Tonight, I am writing this as I sit on an air mattress lent to me by a great friend of mine.

After work today, I had therapy. We talked about some of the paranoia and hypervigilance I’ve been having. She said again that nobody’s after me, nobody’s spreading rumors, etc. I’m still in the process of understanding my paranoia and hypervigilance. It's hard to see that what I am experiencing and seeing is not really happening. The line between reality and fantasy is blurred. Except this fantasy is terrifying. I think having mixed PTSD and schizoaffective disorder can get pretty complicated.

Making the move to another apartment was also terrifying for me and I think my anxiety was up partly because of that, but I’m settled in and very excited about my new apartment. My anxiety and stress has gone down a lot.

Everyday I count my blessings no matter how hard life gets. I have a home. I can talk. I can eat on my own. I can see. I can hear. I have enough money for food. Despite having multiple mental illnesses, I’ve held a part time job for almost two months. I financially supported myself for an entire year. I lived in my old apartment alone despite five hospitalizations. My mom reminded me today that I even passed all of my classes with flying colors despite missing nearly half the semester.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been very scared about next semester, especially with all of my paranoia. I don't know if it will get worse with more people on campus.

I know that I will make it through.

No matter what comes my way, I have hope.