I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for my monthly check-up and I asked if I could increase the dose of antipsychotic again, since I'm still having mild paranoia. They said no because there are too many side effects, including weight gain. They said if I'm at the point where I notice my paranoia and can try to control it, then I don't need to increase the dose.
I tend to have a lot of side effects to medications. That's one of the reasons they've tried about 15 medications on me. The ones I'm on now cause me to have acne, gain weight, and have bad memory.
Sometimes I do miss being manic because I have much better memory. I'm much more awake. I think more clearly.
But the medications are necessary and I know I just have to deal with the side effects. I'd much rather deal with the side effects than go through the turmoil and wrath of my schizoaffective disorder. At least my medications keep me stable.
I can't believe that I've held my job for 2 months already. When I first started, I was honestly petrified because it was a new job and I didn't know how I would deal with the stress of a new job. I didn't know if I'd be in and out of the hospital more. I didn't know how I'd deal with the paranoia while working.
It takes a TON of mental effort for me to question my paranoid thoughts, to battle the psychosis and paranoia that accompany my schizophrenia. When I see people doing things that make me uncomfortable or bring on the paranoia, I have to say to myself over and over again, "It's not about me... They're not spreading rumors." I just repeat it to myself over and over. I do this for most of my waking hours.
Sometimes I want to give up and curl up in my bed and not do anything but avoid people.
But I don't.
I am reminded of how far I've come. I haven't been in the hospital in four months, despite being mentally ill. I'm getting ready for my last semester of graduate school and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm moving forward every single day.
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