Not Perfect By Any Means

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. One of the characteristics that nonChristians say that Christians have is that they are hypocritical- you know, say one thing and do another.

“We cannot hope to shed our hypocritical label if our lifestyles offer no proof of the ‘fruit’ of Christlikeness.”

This quote really spoke to me because I honestly don’t always think my behavior represents God. As much as I try to be Christlike, I am not. Far from it. I would truly like to apologize to anyone who has seen me during my unChristlike moments.

I think that Christianity is summed up nicely in another quote from the book.

“We are fallen people who desperately need God in our lives- everyday.”

Can I be real?

I am not perfect by any means.

I have been trying to get rid of the anger I have towards some of my family members for the years of neglect and abuse I endured as a child, but I have not been able to. I harbor bitterness inside. I think that this anger spills into some other parts of my life, including relationships with others. I am not always the kindest person. One of my ongoing prayers is to gain a spirit of forgiveness so that I can truly forgive them.

One of my greatest sins is pride. It is strange because it’s also paired with the feeling that I’m not good enough to be God’s child. I think I try so hard to be all and do all that sometimes I forget the real meaning of life. As a child, I was always told I was not good enough, that I am less than, so I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove otherwise.

I’ve tried to hide behind my successes. When I came to Florida to start the PhD program, I was quite possibly the most prideful person on campus. I thought I was “all that” because I got a ton of awards in college and I got a full ride to the PhD program. But I was far from being "all that." And it pains me to this day as I think about the many people I hurt by being prideful. 

Another ongoing prayer is that I really take it in that I am God’s child and no matter how many good things I do, I don’t have to be the best at everything. I don’t have to be good at things or do good things for God to love me. I just have to be me.

Sometimes I get angry at people I shouldn’t get angry at. Sometimes my patience flies out the window. Sometimes I don’t show strangers the love that I should show them- the love that can be found in Christ. Sometimes I judge people too quickly. Sometimes I try too hard to be someone that I’m not instead of becoming who God wants me to be.

My biggest hope while reading this book and sharing what I am learning from this book is that I can be real with others about what it means to be a true Christian, one with multiple mental illnesses. At times, it’s hard but being a Christian can lead to a very fulfilling life.