Finding Meaning

"Only one fifth of young outsiders [nonbelievers] believe that an active faith helps people live a better, more fulfilling life."
-David Kinnaman, unChristian

This statistic really surprised me.  Only one fifth.

Many outsiders think that believing in God is boring or outdated.

For me, faith is the entire substance to life. Without my faith in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I wouldn't be here.

To me, Christianity is not a set of rules and regulations. It's about having an intimate relationship with God. It's about finding meaning in life. It's about finding purpose in what is seen as purposeless.

As I've shared in previous posts, I have dealt with abuse, neglect, homelessness and various mental illnesses, including schizophrenia. Faith is what makes life interesting and meaningful when everything around us looks chaotic. Believing in God helps me to carry on when the road gets rough. Faith brings hope into my life at the most dire moments.

I could not imagine my life without faith. I guess if I didn't have faith, I would have been gone a long time ago. It's what gives me the will to fight through the hardships. My faith helps me to endure some really difficult stuff.

Faith gives meaning to life. If we don't believe then what is the point in fighting through difficulties? What is the point in all of us striving so hard when we're just floating on a planet in the middle of a huge universe?

I need a God. We need a God. We need Christ because we all fall down in our lives. We all make mistakes and sin. We all need forgiveness. We all need unconditional love.

We all need faith and hope.

Words and Actions

As many of you know, I am reading the book unChristian, a book about what nonChristians believe about Christians and Christianity as a whole.

A few days ago, I wrote a post about some of my thoughts on homosexuality and Christianity. I finished reading the chapters of the book related to homosexuality yesterday so I wanted to finish writing about my thoughts.

Let me begin by posing a question that was asked in the book...

Do our language and actions communicate compassion to others?

This is a key question, one that we should ask ourselves continually. We all make mistakes, but overall, our actions and our words should show compassion towards others. This is true whether you are Christian, Muslim, atheist, whatever... Our actions and our words are very important.

We may not always agree with what others are doing. Often we may not. People may test our patience and do things the hard way. But as human beings, we need to love others no matter what. This includes whether or not you agree with homosexuality.

Our world needs more love, not hate.

I believe our world needs love more than ever. People are divided over political agendas and religious beliefs. Some say we are more divided than ever before. Our divisions keep us from coming together. Our world is rocked by wars where there should be peace. Our world is rocked with fear where there should be calm. Our world is rocked by anger where there should be love. Our world is rocked by disagreements where there should be people working together. In order for us to move toward peace on any level, we need to come together in unconditional love.

I very much dislike when people say "God hates ______." God doesn't hate anyone. Whether you are Christian or not, we are not called to spread a message of hate but rather a message of love. When Jesus walked around, he didn't say he hated anyone. He welcomed everyone, including those the world turned away.  He showed compassion to everyone. We need to do the same. We need to follow His example.

Showing compassion isn't always easy. But it's key to making this world a better place. We are called to love everyone, even the people who frustrate us or make us feel uncomfortable. We are called to spread a message of love.

SAP

Last night was the first night in four nights that I didn't have a nightmare. Progress.

Nightmares and flashbacks tend to increase my anxiety, which worsens my schizophrenia and bipolar. You see, I have something I'll call SAP, or selective attention paranoia. I don't believe that's actually a technical term but it best describes what happens.

A few days ago, when my anxiety and paranoia were very bad, I went to talk to an on call therapist. in order to divert a hospitalization. My anxiety was skyrocketing and I knew that if I didn't talk to someone, I'd be headed straight to the hospital.

When I was in therapy, the counselor said something that explains my SAP very well. 

Have you ever played the game Punch Buggy? If you haven't, I'll quickly explain the game. 

When you are driving or riding in a car, you look for buggies and if you see one, you punch someone next to you and say "punch buggy no take back." The first person to punch someone wins.

Anyways, the therapist explained that because of my hypervigilance, I am more aware of certain things that most people are not aware of (heightened awareness), just like when your attention is on something, like a buggy, you become more aware of it. All of a sudden, you notice more buggies than you did when your attention was not on them. Same thing with my paranoia. My attention is heightened towards certain things that trigger my PTSD and paranoia.

I hear people whispering behind my back while walking to class. 

I think it's about me.

I hear people coughing behind me or around me. 

I think it's about me. 

Someone follows me for a long time as I walk to class. 

I think they're following me.

Normal everyday things become abnormal.

So how do I work through this? How do I learn to get rid of or lessen the selective attention paranoia?

Well it's not easy but it's doable. Every time I think that something is about me, I tell myself "It's not about me and it means nothing." It actually helps a lot. I just repeat it until my paranoia goes away. The first part reminds me that everything that's happening is not about me (people are just living their daily lives) and the second part reminds me that what others are doing really has no meaning- i.e. they're just coughing, not doing it towards me- it's not aimed at me in any way.

SAP is frustrating, because I don't want to believe that people are after me or spreading rumors about me. I just want to be normal and lead a normal life. Yet my brain is wired in such a way that I pay attention to the little things, the details and add some hidden meaning to it.

Desperate for a Miracle

I had another nightmare last night. For the third night in a row. There are really no words for my frustration right now.

I wish it all would go away. The flashbacks, the nightmares, the hypervigilance, the fear, the anxiety… I’ve been dealing with chronic/complex PTSD since I was 13 years old- for eleven someodd years.

I hate saying this but to be honest, I don’t know if God will ever heal me from my mental illnesses. I know He can, but I’ve been asking Him to for so long. I've kind of lost hope in that respect. I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m broken inside. Sometimes, I’m just so tired of fighting.

I want to be healed. I need to be healed.

I’ve tried tons of medications. I’ve been to healing ministries. I’ve been in therapy since the age of 6. None of it has fully healed me.

I want it all to go away.

I don’t want to have the “worst case” of PTSD my therapists and doctors have ever seen. I just want to get better and not have to be reminded constantly of the abuse I endured. I don’t want to be affected by the abuse anymore. I want to move forward. I want to be free. But I feel like I’m stuck and there’s no way to move forward.

I’m frustrated.

I’m tired.

I’m weary.

I don’t want this stuff to hold me back anymore from God’s plans for me. I know it’s not God’s plan for me to be stuck like this. It can’t be. There is more to life than suffering.

I hear about people being healed in the Bible all the time in church. Nothing can really explain how much I want to be healed. Nothing. I want to be healed like them. I want to be free like them.

I am desperate for a miracle.

This song just came to my mind...

I am ready.

Step By Step

As a photographer and blogger, I try to take photos that represent my faith journey. I took the photo above a few days ago and it is supposed to represent my faith right now.

In many ways, I still feel imprisoned by fear, anxiety and my past. I am on my way to freedom, but I’m not there yet. It’s on the other side.  I feel as if I am on the verge of becoming free. I can catch glimpses of what it means to be totally free, but I’m still trying to process everything. 

In the photo, you can see shadows of the stuff on the other side of the fence, but you can’t make out exactly what it is. In some ways, it represents my confusion. Most of the other side is dark- the unknown. Sometimes the unknown is terrifying. 

But peeking through the fence is light, just like how the light of God shines into our darkness and confusion. He brings clarity to our confusion and chaos.

I just went out for a walk to try to calm down from yesterday. I had Kari Jobe’s “One Desire” on replay the entire walk. I love the chorus:

“In your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You’re the breath in me

You’re my everything.”

Every time I listen to this song, I can feel the Lord’s strength inside me. I feel enveloped by His presence.

My anxiety was high for most of yesterday but it was better than on Sunday and it tended to get better by the end of the day. I feel as if the cloud of depression is lifting. At this point, I’m just taking it day by day and my goal is to stay out of the hospital. With severe mental illness, you never really know what will happen. There is a lot of unknown. At any point, my mental illnesses could worsen or get better.

Step by step and day by day.

Anxious Thoughts

Good morning...

I woke up with very high anxiety. A thousand scary things ran through my mind the second I woke up. I had a few nightmares last night and it was really difficult to get back to sleep. I don't know if that's why my anxiety is high or if it's other stuff going on, like the stuff with my family.

To be completely honest, I am very scared of losing someone very close to me.

As I've shared in past posts, my oldest brother committed suicide in 2007 when I was 17. It scares me that it could happen again. Mental illness not only comes to steal the normality of life, but it also comes to destroy lives. You can't really play around with mental illness.

I took my meds first thing when I woke up because I'm hoping my antianxiety medication kick in and help. I have three classes and a meeting to get through today so I'm hoping that this anxiety storm can move past me today. It feels like a cloud of anxiety is surrounding me. This is not where I want to be the second week of classes.

I just want to get rid of it. As humans, we were not made to be anxious. We were not made to live in anxiety all the time. It takes a lot out of me to fight the anxious thoughts and to move forward.

But I'm willing to fight, as I always have been. I have to give it all to God.

Depression

I write this afternoon in the chaos of a depressive state. There has been something going on in my family for the past few weeks which has been very difficult and triggering for me. For personal reasons, I will not discuss it here. This "something" that is happening usually causes me to stress out to the point that I go to the hospital. So I'm taking it one day at a time.

I know I'm currently battling depression...

Depressive states can just come on, but for me, they are more often situational. I basically don't want to do anything... I want to crawl up into a ball and cry. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't often cry. 

I received some news and after church this morning, I decided to go for a walk in the pouring rain with no umbrella. It was healing in that I was able to cry in the pouring rain. I was able to give it all to God. There's something magical about crying in the rain or in the shower. It's almost as if the tears are washed away, along with the misery of being depressed.

For most of the day, I've been in bed resting. I know I am depressed when all I want to do is crawl up in bed or that it takes a lot of energy to make dinner.

What my family needs most right now is prayers. I believe we will get through this period of difficulty, as we have overcome so much already as a family. I just have to keep trusting God.

Spread a Message of Love

As many of you know, I am reading the book unChristian, a book about what nonChristians believe about Christians and Christianity as a whole. Some of the topics are controversial and I want to blog today about one such topic. I usually try to steer away from controversy but this is a very important topic to me.

Many nonbelievers believe that Christians are antigay. As a Christian who grew up in the church, I have been taught that homosexual acts are sins. However, I have sinned and therefore I believe I have no place to judge others about their sins. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation. Love, not just tolerate.

“We are all sinners. No one is any more likely or less likely to receive God’s free gift of grace. All have fallen short of God’s standards.”

-David Kinnaman, unChristian

 There is one passage that often comes to my mind when thinking about sins.

“Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest.”

-John 8:1-9 (MSG)

In this passage, Jesus tells the men who were going to stone the adulteress that if they are without sin, then they can stone her. But all of them left, because all of them had sinned. Jesus showed grace towards the woman who sinned. This passage is important because I believe that in the same way, we are called not to judge others for their sins because we all have sinned. We all should drop our stones and walk away.

We need to spread love, not hate. Jesus never had a message of hate.

Jesus reached out to the outcasts, the marginalized, the judged, the destitute, the homeless, the lonely, the desparate… and I believe He calls us to do the same today. As a Christian, I believe I am called to show unconditional love towards everyone I interact with.

Am I perfect? No not at all. And that’s why I need Jesus in my life. I need His help to get through every day and to unconditionally love those around me.

Strengthened Amidst Storms

“The faith trajectory is mapped out before they become adults, often before they even reach adolescence.”

-David Kinnaman, unChristian

I can relate to this fact. My faith really grew and was cemented as a teenager. I was involved with a Christian group all throughout middle school and high school which really helped to deepen my relationship with God. I went to church nearly every Sunday, went to youth group, was confirmed and participated in various other activities at the church including Vacation Bible School.

My relationship with God deepened on a more spiritual and personal level. When I was a teenager, I struggled with neglect, experienced homelessness, lost my oldest brother to suicide, struggled with suicidal ideation and was diagnosed with bipolar. I watched my family be torn apart by drugs, alcohol and dealing drugs. To most, that would seem like a recipe for leaving my faith.

My faith was strengthened throughout my struggles, though. I experienced the love of God in a real and personal way. He was the only one I could really turn to throughout the chaos around me.

I realized that if I was going to make it out of my situation, I needed to rely on something greater than myself. I realized that the only solution to my problems was my faith in God.

My faith in God was a constant throughout my storms. It was always there, though I had some struggles with trusting God. It helped me through even the darkest days. Reading Scripture reminded me that I was loved, cherished and cared for. Reading Scripture reminded me that I had a future and that God had plans for me. I even decorated my bedroom with posters with verses on them.

If you ask me why I believe in God, I will tell you that it is because I have experienced Him on an extremely deep level and continue to, to the point that I can’t deny that there is a God. There is no other explanation for my survival of everything I went through. I have been hurt to the point that I have had no choice but to lean on Him to survive. I have been through some of the darkest things one can go through, yet I’m here continuing to fight. It is only through my faith that I continue to fight.

I think my faith can be explained best by this song…

The Real Worth

“We can never prove our worth; Jesus made us worthy by his sacrifice.”

-David Kinnaman, unChristian

Do you ever feel like you have to prove yourself to others or even to God?

So often we do. At least I do all the time.

We go to school to prove we are intelligent and capable of a really good job. We date others and get married to prove that we are worthy of being loved. We donate to charities and volunteer to prove that we are good people.

If you’re like me, proving yourself is very draining and tiring. It really takes everything out of you.

The good news is that you don’t need to.

You and I already are worthy. We do not have to prove ourselves to anybody.

Easier said than done or believed.

I’m not saying this is something easy to understand or even to act upon. I’ve heard this for years but I don’t think I ever really comprehended it in my heart or really internalized it until now. It's hard in this world in which we are constantly bombarded with trying to be better than others or be the best we can be. 

Faith is a journey, not an easy test.

What I’m trying to say is that your worth is in God, not your possessions, your education, your friends, your boyfriend/girlfriend… It is in God. He created you as you are for a reason and He loves you so. Nothing we do in this life can make Him love us any more or any less.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”

-Psalm 139:14a (NIV)

Standing Up

For as long as I can remember, I have been a victim of bullying.

When I was a young child, my father was my bully. He teased me to the point that I cried. He abused me in every way to the point that I cried. And then he yelled at me for crying. I remember he used to have nicknames for me and I constantly told him to stop calling me them but he never listened. Each time I told him to stop abusing me, he laughed and kept doing what he was doing. I can't even count the number of times I told him to stop. He never listened to my pleas for mercy.

When I was in elementary school , middle school and high school, I had bullies as well. I remember being called midget throughout both schools. I was smaller than most of the others my age. I attribute that to not having a lot of food in the house due to my family being poor.

Others around me teased me to the point that I cried. Much like what my father did. Actually, I guess I got used to it. I guess being abused as a child made me an easy target.

A few years I Googled my name, like they say you should, and I came across a blog that someone had written about me. They said I looked like a chipmunk, that I was ugly and that it was so funny that they made me cry in gym. I cried again when I read their post.

Bus rides were never fun. There was one particular bully on my bus who taunted me on most days. He once gave me a piece of paper that said that I was “flat sh**” and “ugly.” Another day he hit my face with an umbrella.

Being bullied throughout my life, pretty much since I was 3 years old, has not been easy. I’ve been trying to stand up for myself and move forward. Although I cried a lot to my mom growing up about the bullying, she never really taught me to retaliate or “get even.”

I did stand up to one bully who was teasing another student. Along with me, he taunted another student on the bus due to a medical condition. One day when he was teasing him, I told him something to the effect of “It does not make you cool to make fun of him. Please stop making fun of him.” Surprisingly, he stopped teasing him and, eventually, me.

Bullying doesn’t make you cool. It doesn’t make you funny or hilarious. It damages the soul of the person you’re bullying. Words really can break you inside.

More Unconditional Love

As I sit here this morning writing this blog post, I am full of excitement and joy. Today is the first day of my last semester of graduate school (for now, at least). I feel I am at a very good stage in my life to finish my Masters, having been out of the hospital for four and a half months.

When it comes to school, I am almost like a kid in a candy store. I love learning. I love to discover new things about the world around me. I love thinking deeply. I love asking questions and probing deeper into things than those around me.

This semester, I am taking four courses, which is a lot for a graduate student but I think I will be able to handle it. I am taking Biomedical Instrumentation, Medical Imaging, Advanced Materials and Multivariate Signal Processing. I also am in a Biomedical Engineering seminar class. This semester, I am taking by far my most challenging courses.

Since I’ve been getting ready for school, I haven’t really had a chance to read unChristian, but I wanted to share a quote that really spoke to me that I read yseterday.

One pastor, Leroy Barber, spoke about his experience living in Atlanta, where he explains that there are churches on every block, yet there is a great divide among the people who go to church and those who live on the streets.

He said, “The church wants them [those who live on the streets] neat and clean but the streets take them as they are.”

That quote really struck me because churches are supposed to be welcoming to everybody, just as Jesus reached out to the ostracized and the marginalized, the outcasts. The church, not the streets, should “take them as they are.” We should love everyone, no matter who they are or where they’re from.

Somebody posted yesterday on Facebook, “This world should have more ___________.” I posted unconditional love. I really believe that if this world is going to change, we need more unconditional love. 

We need to truly and genuinely love those around us. We need to really welcome those who are different than us. We need to be real about our faults as human beings and know that nobody can be perfect. That’s exactly why we need a Savior.

Not Perfect By Any Means

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. One of the characteristics that nonChristians say that Christians have is that they are hypocritical- you know, say one thing and do another.

“We cannot hope to shed our hypocritical label if our lifestyles offer no proof of the ‘fruit’ of Christlikeness.”

This quote really spoke to me because I honestly don’t always think my behavior represents God. As much as I try to be Christlike, I am not. Far from it. I would truly like to apologize to anyone who has seen me during my unChristlike moments.

I think that Christianity is summed up nicely in another quote from the book.

“We are fallen people who desperately need God in our lives- everyday.”

Can I be real?

I am not perfect by any means.

I have been trying to get rid of the anger I have towards some of my family members for the years of neglect and abuse I endured as a child, but I have not been able to. I harbor bitterness inside. I think that this anger spills into some other parts of my life, including relationships with others. I am not always the kindest person. One of my ongoing prayers is to gain a spirit of forgiveness so that I can truly forgive them.

One of my greatest sins is pride. It is strange because it’s also paired with the feeling that I’m not good enough to be God’s child. I think I try so hard to be all and do all that sometimes I forget the real meaning of life. As a child, I was always told I was not good enough, that I am less than, so I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove otherwise.

I’ve tried to hide behind my successes. When I came to Florida to start the PhD program, I was quite possibly the most prideful person on campus. I thought I was “all that” because I got a ton of awards in college and I got a full ride to the PhD program. But I was far from being "all that." And it pains me to this day as I think about the many people I hurt by being prideful. 

Another ongoing prayer is that I really take it in that I am God’s child and no matter how many good things I do, I don’t have to be the best at everything. I don’t have to be good at things or do good things for God to love me. I just have to be me.

Sometimes I get angry at people I shouldn’t get angry at. Sometimes my patience flies out the window. Sometimes I don’t show strangers the love that I should show them- the love that can be found in Christ. Sometimes I judge people too quickly. Sometimes I try too hard to be someone that I’m not instead of becoming who God wants me to be.

My biggest hope while reading this book and sharing what I am learning from this book is that I can be real with others about what it means to be a true Christian, one with multiple mental illnesses. At times, it’s hard but being a Christian can lead to a very fulfilling life.

Where Is The Love?

I just began reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. I first became interested in reading this book when I heard a sermon about it at my home church in NJ last summer. I have been looking for the book ever since then but was unable to find it in local libraries. I finally came across it at a book fair.

This book is quite, I don’t know how to say it, hard to read at times… hard to digest in some ways?!?

The book discusses how the Christian faith and Christians in general are viewed by people who are not Christian.

One of the interviewees said, “Christians have become political, judgmental, intolerant, weak, religious, angry and without balance. Christianity has become a nice Sunday drive. Where is the loving God, the Holy Spirit, an amazing Jesus, the love, the compassion, the holiness?”

While I can’t say that I am a perfect Christian by any means, I hope that my actions and words can represent God somehow.

When I was going through a lot of struggles a few years ago, I kept asking one of my best friends why she cared about me so much, why she spent so much time listening, why she didn’t judge me. Her answer was that she wanted to show unconditional love towards me. She saw that the horrible things I had gone through as a child made it hard for me to know what unconditional love is.

I can tell you that my friendship with her really did help me to understand what it means not to be judged or seen as less than. Unconditional love goes much deeper than that.

A question from the book that really got me thinking was “What is missing in our portrayal of the Christian faith to new generations?”

I’m not going to answer that question because I think it’s personal for each of us, but I will say that I wish and hope that the unconditional love that God shows towards us is portrayed to those around us. I wish that love, not hate, was spread. I wish that we would learn to not judge but rather love those around us- no matter who they are, where they come from, what they’ve done, what they’re doing. I wish that we could spread the love to the people who need it most.

We need more unconditional love in this world.

Redeeming Love

There is a story in the Bible about a prostitute who knelt at Jesus’s feet and washed his feet with her tears. I heard a sermon about this story a few weeks ago and then it came up in the book I’m reading.

“When Jesus looked at [the prostitute], he saw a woman- a woman with great love. He saw past her sin. He saw past her past…Jesus looked at her and saw more than just her sin. He saw her faith and her love.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

I’ve been reading this book for a few weeks now. It’s really powerful and dense so it’s taking a bit to get through, but the quote above really spoke to me.

I think it really sums up what it is to be redeemed. God doesn’t look at our past mistakes and think we’re disgusting or dirty. He doesn’t think we’re weird. He sees us as beautiful. He accepts us fully as we are. He understands us on a deeper level than anyone can.

I went for a walk this morning, and, of course, I came across some squirrels. Some ran across the street to get away from me. One started to climb a tree. I went up to the tree and it knew I saw it. So then it moved so I couldn’t see it anymore. It did this a few times. It was like I was playing hide and seek with the squirrel.

I think in a lot of ways we’re the same with God. We try to hide our past, our regrets and our mistakes. But the truth is God knows it’s still there, just like I knew the squirrel was hiding behind the tree. No matter how many times you try to hide it, it’s still there. The crazy part is that God knows what’s happened in our past and He looks beyond it. He forgives us for our past mistakes, for those things we’d rather hide forever.

I’ve honestly had a hard time understanding redemption because I’ve made a lot of mistakes that haunt me to this day. I carry a lot of “baggage,” as they say. It’s sometimes really difficult to understand that God would just look past all of that and see me for who I really am.

But He does.

And that’s what is so beautiful and powerful about faith. We are redeemed. Our sins are forgiven. Our past mistakes now gone.

Conversations with God

“Prayer is the process of shedding out lies, our masks, and our inhibitions, and standing in God’s presence as we really are- neither proud nor ashamed, simply accepted and loved and heard.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Do you pray?

I pray but not usually with my head bowed down and my eyes closed.

You see, I believe that God hears us whether or not our head is bowed down or our eyes are closed.

He hears us all the time, whether our words are eloquent or not.

Last year, I volunteered as a prayer minister for a prayer hotline. I prayed for about 10 people every shift. My first time on the hotline, I was absolutely terrified. But I prayed before I started. Every time my shift started, I prayed for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. And He did. Many people who I spoke to cried after I prayed and told me I said exactly what they needed to hear. It certainly wasn’t my own doing.

I believe prayer is something absolutely beautiful that connects us to God and the Holy Spirit.

I pray every time I go to the lake. God uses everything at the lake to speak to me. 

The flowers...

The water...

The birds...

The trees...

The clouds...

The sunsets...

I believe part of prayer is opening up ourselves to be able to listen to God through the many ways He speaks to us. There are endless ways He can speak. Every day, I am astounded by how God speaks to me.

Prayer is a conversation with the One who made this world, the One who created each of us. He cares for each of us and we are not too little for Him to ignore.

Prayer is powerful.

Trusting God

“Faith always involves stepping out, letting go, risking something.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Today was my official last day at my job that I’ve held for the past two and a half months. I wasn’t fired. It was just a summer job that I knew would end at the end of the summer.

When I first got the job, it took a lot of faith to actually take it. To get up each morning and go to work was seemingly out of the picture at the time. As many of you know, last semester was full of hospitalizations for me.

Four hospitalizations to be exact.

When I applied for this job, I really felt God calling me to do it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but I knew He was calling me to do it. You know how sometimes you just know. It was the first and only job I applied to and interviewed for. When I received the news that I got the job on the same day I interviewed, I was ecstatic.

And scared.

At the time I got the job, I had only been out of the hospital for nearly two months. I had no idea what would happen if I took the job. I was terrified that I would lose it if I went to the hospital again. I was afraid I’d mess up somehow. I didn’t know how my boss would react to a hospitalization.

I was terrified actually.

I flat out was not sure if I could handle a job in the state I was in, still being paranoid and having many flashbacks a day.

But I trusted God.

I knew He was calling me to work. I knew He was calling me to trust Him and that things would get better. It took a lot to trust Him, but I did.

It’s been over 4 months without a hospitalization. I’ve had a lot of stressful events but I didn’t give up. I kept getting up every morning and forced myself to go to work, whether or not I felt like it. Working a part time job was perfect because I got some time to myself to focus on healing.

Working this summer has also given me a lot of confidence in myself. I know I’m ready to handle school again.

Sometimes following what God has called you to do is difficult and scary. He often asks you to trust Him with unknown circumstances.

However, when you do what God wants you to do, great things can happen.

Barely Breathing

I had an absolutely terrifying nightmare last night. I woke up and could barely breathe. It took me a few minutes to come back to reality. It also took me about an hour and a half to fall back asleep. I was terrified to go back to sleep but I knew I had to in order to be able to work today.

It was nighttime. I was in my bed in the bedroom I grew up in, the room in which I was abused for many years. In the room, there were three windows facing the front lawn. My father was outside trying to get inside the house so he could kill me. I watched as my mother went around the house making sure all the doors and windows were locked, but I still felt like he was going to get inside. There was still some way he could get in. I was not safe at all. At one point, he even went up to the three windows in my bedroom to look inside to see if I was in my room. When he did, I was so scared. Petrified. I was curled up in a ball in my bed, trying not to be seen.

What was so scary about the dream was how realistic it was. My home looked the way it did when I grew up. It wasn’t "off" at all. You know how in some dreams, you can tell it’s a dream even while you're dreaming. This nightmare wasn’t like that. 

It was real.

I’ve had nightmares of my father for as long as I can remember. It’s part of having PTSD. A few years ago, I had them so often that I hated sleeping.

I live with PTSD because I have lived a very traumatic life, one in which my life was often threatened by my father. My PTSD affects every part of my life, even sleep.

But I am moving forward. 

When I woke up from my nightmare, I kept telling myself that I was safe, that my father was not going to get me, and that I was far away from him. I also talked to my mother for a little bit last night after I woke up.

Recovering from trauma is difficult, but not impossible.

Don't Waste It

"This moment, right now, is all God has given us. He may give us tomorrow, or another decade, or another fifty years. But he hasn’t yet. All he has given us is this present moment. All he asks of us is this moment. It’s all we have to give him. It’s all we can ever give him.

So embrace it. Accept it. Don’t waste it."

-Steven James, Becoming Real

This morning as I write this blog post, this quote really spoke to me.

I had a very hard and emotional day yesterday. I found out some very difficult news. Reading this quote reminded me to make the most of the present time, no matter how challenging it gets.

One of the most difficult things to do while having PTSD is to stay in the present moment. Every so often, I am taken back to the past. I am absorbed in traumatic experiences I went through as a child.

It's also just not that easy to embrace each moment. Hard things happen to us all the time and we are not always ready to embrace life.

But how true is the quote above?

God really has given us this moment to cherish, no matter how difficult, no matter how painful. He has given us life and we are called to make the most of it.

Though it may not always feel like it, this life is a precious gift.

Don't waste it.

Flick of a Lightswitch

“Life is like a vapor. We hold it in our hands, and it curls through our fingers, and before we know it, it’s gone.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Have you ever thought about the brevity of your life? About how our lives mark only an instant in the universe? About your meaning in this world?

I have.

I’ve thought a lot about making the most out of my life. Especially since I came so close to losing it a few years ago. I want to give meaning to the life that God has given me, no matter how hard this life has been.

Our lives are precious. Here and gone like the flick of a lightswitch.

You and I could die at any moment. Our life just a memory.

What do you do to make your life meaningful?

Think about it.

This life is an awesome gift God has given us, with its struggles and pain and joy and happiness. I believe that this life is to be cherished. Our lives become whole when we find meaning amidst the chaos of this place we call earth.

And that’s not always easy to find meaning. No way am I saying it’s easy.

There are days when I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Those are usually days when my mental illnesses have the best of me.

But then there are days when I want to make a real difference in the lives of others. There are days when, as my mother said to me in my last hospitalization, I “get up and meet the day.” There are days when I find my meaning and purpose in life.

Finding my meaning in life is what keeps me going when I feel like I can’t go any longer. It’s what brings joy and peace into my chaotic life.

Our days are short here on earth, so let us make the most of our lives.

Immerse Yourself

I just got home from swimming in the pool. There is something so freeing about swimming. You feel lighter, your movements are slowed and graceful. My mother was told after her knee surgery last year to go swimming because it's light on the joints. It helps her knee to heal.

To swim, you need to immerse yourself in water. To be free and whole, you need to immerse yourself in God, everything that He is.

"We can tell him about our hurts and our questions and our wounds and our dreams and our deepest and most intimate secrets. He will listen. He will care. He will come to where you are."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

If you're like me, sometimes it's hard to trust God. This whole freedom in Christ thing is not easy. Whether it's our future career, our relationships, our families, or our future in general, trusting God with it all is very difficult.

When I was in and out of hospitals earlier this year, I never thought it would end. I didn't fully trust that things would get better. I wanted them to but I wasn't sure if they ever would. I thought I was caught in a tidal wave of endless hospitalizations.

As I've shared in another post, this past Saturday marked 4 months since my last hospitalization. This is by far the longest I've gone without a hospital visit since my move to Florida last August. 

Things really are getting better and looking up. I truly am finding freedom.

Sometimes it takes a lot to trust God and to open up to Him, but I can honestly say that God never leaves us or abandons us, no matter how far away we go from Him or how far we seem to be. He is always there, cheering us on.

I am reminded of a saying "F.R.O.G", which stands for Fully Rely On God, that I learned as a child in Vacation Bible School. There is so much truth in that little saying.

We can tell God anything. Anything that we're dealing with. Anything that haunts us. Anything that we are scared to tell another person. ANYTHING. And we can trust Him.

We can trust Him not to make fun of us or avoid us or give us the cold shoulder. We can trust Him not to spread rumors about us. 

God doesn't do that.

He never disappoints.

Walking Along the Path

Something I've been doing to deal with my mental illnesses is walk outside either at the lake or a pond near my home. Walking helps me to talk with God. I put on some music and calm down. Walking also helps me to center myself on my healing journey.

A few months ago, a friend told me about an app called Charity Miles. This app allows me to raise money for various charities as I walk. The app donates money to different charities for every mile you walk, run or bike. I think it is one of the most amazing things I have ever come across because by doing something as simple as walking, I can help so many who are less fortunate than I am.

To date, I have walked nearly 580 miles in the past few months.

Through just walking, I have raised:

* $17.08 for Parkinson's research

*$60.41 for cancer research

*enough money to feed 254 people

*enough money to provide 5 children with new shoes

*enough for 45 pieces of lumber for Habitat for Humanity

*enough to provide 11 people with antiretroviral pills

*enough to provide 3 people with a new pair of glasses

*enough to educate a child for 1, 787.84 minutes
*walked 13.1 miles to raise money for veterans
*walked 7.5 miles to help provide bed nets to protect people from malaria

Please check out the app and start making a difference!

Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.