Paranoid Dream

"Someone said something unkind about me...Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go...Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 7 devotion

I came across this devotion this morning, even though it was yesterday's devotion. It was as if this was written for me this morning...

You see, I had another nightmare last night. I've been having them every night, sometimes multiple each night. I don't know if it is my medications or what, but I wish they would stop.

In this nightmare, I had gotten a gift card to Sears and so I went to the store after school. I had been planning to go there before meeting up with friends to work on a school project. I was in the process of looking at shirts when my friends arrived. Anyways, someone stole my backpack.... One of my friends did. And there was some private stuff in my backpack. They were tossing it to each other and they wouldn't give it back. They all laughed at me... People who I have known for years and years, real people in my life were laughing hysterically at me. I screamed at them to stop. I told them it wasn't funny. I tried to get the sales associates at Sears to help me, but they just joined in with the laughter. I was at a loss...

When I woke up from this nightmare, it was a huge relief. My mom actually woke me up as she got ready for work. Their laughter stuck with me. I don't usually remember my nightmares in such vivid detail; usually they fade away and are forgotten, but this one reached into my heart and tore it up. People who I have cared about in real life were making fun of me. It was as if my paranoia has crept into my nightmares.

Part of my paranoia is that people are laughing at me or making fun of me. I told my therapist the other day that when I go to the lake, my home away from home, the place where I feel peace and calm, sometimes I'm so paranoid that when I see a group of people laughing, I believe their laughter is aimed at me. I constantly think people are making fun of me and I want it to stop.

That's just part of being paranoid. It creeps in to every aspect of my life, even my nightmares.

Either way, I don't want to sleep tonight....

I know I have to let it go and let God take care of me, but this is getting unbelievably difficult. My nightmare last night hurt very deeply. I know it wasn't real, but it cut deep into my soul. I just want my nightmares to stop...