Freedom in the Fight

Ever since that day a month ago, that day I chose to fight that which had always tried to control and rob me of the last 8 years, I have wondered where I would be, etc. And I also believe that though the medications robbed me of certain experiences, it has not changed who I am. In fact, I believe it has made me a better person.

On that day over a month ago, I stopped taking a certain type of medication that I thought might be creating the symptoms, especially paranoia. Two days later, the symptoms disappeared. I was told that I would not even make it past the first week without being hospitalized. People will tell you that I was so excited I was dancing for most of the week. Imagine if you felt deep pain and fear for many years and it disappeared.

When I was first placed on this type of medication, I was in my third year of college. I had a 3.986 GPA in my first two years. After I went back after a medical leave, my grades plummeted. I could not deal with the loss of memory, concentration and focus. I had numerous talks with someone from the school who said I had to come to terms with these changes.

I don’t quite know when I first had paranoia, other than that it mostly started in late college years, which I was taking new medications . Somehow, I graduated and received a full fellowship for a PhD program. I was excited but my paranoia progressed rapidly. I was hospitalized about 8 times within college and graduate school and given all sorts of diagnoses. They tried putting me on over 25 medications, about 10 of which were the type I do not take now. They never completely worked and I was very frustrated.

I lost my PhD fellowship because of the paranoia. I could not walk around campus without having my head over my shoulder. My mind could not comprehend that maybe all those people were not following me but rather going to a different building or classroom.  I could barely look at peers or professors without intense fear. I even could not sit in a church without doubting that the people around me wanted me to go away. I could not even function as a lab assistant because I was so paranoid.

I ended up going home. I had a steady stream of hospital visits, day programs, hospital visits, day programs. Nobody could pinpoint why all the treatments were not working. Meanwhile, my brain was chaotic. I became catatonic, heard voices, would cringe at the sight of police, freeze at the sound of police cars. I feared that people thought I was not taking my medications….which I was taking them.

I did not want to go anywhere. I began not to go running, for fear that the police were following me. I stopped going to a friend’s store, for fear that they had ties to the FBI. I began to avoid the world out there. That’s when I stopped talking to my mother. I was hospitalized, cut off any communication with her, and moved away from anything I knew.

I began a day program. My mind was so cloudy that I did not really know what was going on. After that program, I was put in another outpatient program in which I have been in for the past 2 and a half years. Again, I was met with more paranoia. Some days I would travel in my mind. I soon began to fear some other peers and especially staff. One day I would be so happy and the next I believed some of the staff worked for the FBI. I sometimes spent a whole week not trusting anyone. Some days I gathered the courage to ask staff if I was in trouble or if they were mad at me.

They relentlessly told me that I was okay, that there was nothing wrong. That answer would lessen the paranoia but not for long.

Two months ago, I realized that I had not taken a medication that I was supposed to take for “psychotic agitation.” It was an as-needed medication to help alleviate the paranoia. I noticed that I was absolutely fine. Unfortunately after explaining this, I was told to stay on the medication.

After taking the medication again, my symptoms came back, worse than ever before. That is when I began to fight. I thought I was on to something. One day, I made sense of everything.

I’ve been off that type of medication for over a month now and I have not had any paranoia.

Those medications may have robbed me of the last 8 years but I still have me. I have met incredible people. I’ve met the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend, I have many friends and a great support network. And I also have God in my life, who has helped me to continue to get through difficult times.

The Power of Good

I am on a vacation but not a vacation. I am on a retreat but not a retreat. I am at the beach but not a beach. I am somewhere I’ve never been but not somewhere I’ve never been.

I am on a personal journey to find my life. How many times have people said that? How can you find your life? You’re living, aren’t you? How can you lose something so tangible, so palpable?

I came to where I am because I helped save someone’s life two weeks ago. It was extremely frightening and traumatic. I came here trusting that something good would happen.

Little did I know that I would find myself again. I found more of myself in the silence than in the words of those around me. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I went outside, put a 5 or 10 minute timer on my phone. I sit in the chair with my eyes closed and just listened. I heard the birds. I heard the trees in the wind. I heard planes. I heard faint voices. I felt the sun piercing through my closed eyes. But no words.

For those few moments, I was one with my surroundings. I was one with my experiences in that moment. More often than not, I would be disappointed when the 5-10 minute timer would bring me back to reality, whatever that means. I thought I was more in reality than ever before.

My greatest discovery being here has been that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a death sentence. I, as well as many other people, have been very traumatized. I think you can agree that this world is messy, but it does not have to be. THIS WORLD DOES NOT HAVE TO BE. We live in an absolutely beautiful world.

What are you saying, Chelsea? How can you say that when it seems like our world seems to be falling apart?

It is not falling apart. We have a God who can transform all the bad into good. If you take time out of your busy day to see the beauty of this universe, you can see the beauty. Your world revolves around what you focus on.

The beauty of the brain, which I have studied extensively, is that it can change. I have noticed just this past week how powerful focusing on the GOOD rather than the bad can be.

Someone told me a few days ago that we can have bad triggers but there can also be GOOD triggers. I did not really understand that at first. But once I began recalling good memories, I found a different experience than I had rarely experienced before. I laughed, I smiled, joy filled my body.

GOOD is powerful.

Silencing the Screams

The words are escaping me. I do not really know what to say. I do not want to eat. I've had nightmares that awaken me at all hours of the night. I look around myself and I see her. I hear her cursing at us at the top of her lungs. I hear her screams and also my screams in my head, silently screaming. We all went from 0 to 60 in 1 second. The adrenaline still flows through my veins despite knowing that it happened three days ago. It honestly feels like it happened a few seconds ago.

I find myself having a cup in my hand ready to drink from it and freezing for 30 seconds only to "awaken" and drink. Or riding on the bus looking out the windows while the bus driver says "Here we are." The tape goes over and over in my head. The first image. The screams. The police. The sirens. The chase. The silent screams. The deep breath. I cannot seem to get out of it.

I am stuck in those thirty minutes and I wonder to myself when it will end.

I have had my headphones in my ears everywhere I've gone for the past 3 days because it helps to silence the screams. I try to listen to the words instead of the replaying video. Sometimes it helps. Most times it does not.

I've had a lot of traumatic experiences but this one is different. I never thought I would see this in my lifetime.

I don't really have any other words other than that I am glad she is alive. I helped save her life but I do not think I am some kind of hero. Ultimately I am thankful to God for saving her. I was just an instrument.

Divine Intervention

This past week I listened to "Rivals" by Citizen Way at least 80 times. This past week I needed those lyrics to get through one of the most challenging week I have ever been through. I could have ended up on the inpatient unit at the hospital about 5 times.

Instead of focusing on what went wrong, I would like to focus on what went RIGHT and even some divine intervention. I do not believe God could have orchestrated it any better.

Last Thursday was around the time that I started to break down and fall apart. I was outside and a yellow butterfly landed right next to me. It was gorgeous and possibly one of the most beautiful butterflies I've seen. And it is not a normal sight near where I live. The butterfly not only reminded me that I am going through a transformative stage in my life. It also brought me to a situation two months ago when I saw a butterfly inside. A friend and I helped release that butterfly outside. It was one of the most magical moments, as it flew away. It was freed. That butterfly was used to tell me that God can free me from all of the difficulties I am currently dealing with, as He does for all of us.

On Monday, I was struggling and going downhill quicker than Michael Phelps can swim a lap. The weather was dark with a ton of rain coming down. Those who know me well know that I do not stop walking or raining in the snow or rain. I absolutely love running. I went outside to run and walk to deal with my struggles. I was kind of angry that it was raining, to be honest. The next time I went out the front door, I noticed that there was a clearing in the sky. Almost instantaneously, the sky opened up. The sun came out. It was another magical moment this week. God told me very clearly, "I understand you are going through this rough time, but I am here for you. I will help you get through this, just as I cleared up the sky in an instant. Things will get better."

Another day this past week (possibly Wednesday), I was listening to "Just Say Jesus" by 7eventh Time Down. All of a sudden, I listened to the lyrics and REALLY listened. The gist of the song is that things can get downright difficult, downright almost like hell on earth. BUT if you remind yourself about Jesus and how He saved all of us, you will get through anything. I saw what looked like an eagle (could've been anything- what matters most is what I perceived it to be.) I must have stood outside for 5 minutes listening to the song a few times and watching the eagle. To me, eagles signify strength, perseverance and hope. In that moment, God told me that I have the strength to "soar" through the storms of life. If I say Jesus instead of focusing on the negative, I can get through this. This is another situation that reminded me that God is more powerful than anything that comes my way.

The last really big moment for me happened on Thursday. I went to the hospital for a therapy appointment that I had planned two weeks ago. Needless to say, God knew the exact time I would need therapy. I had been suffering all week. In my therapist's office, I cried and had a meltdown. I told her some of my struggles and that the medication I was on was making me worse. She called the psychiatrist to come into her office to evaluate me, which he did. They said I was decompensating rapidly but I gathered myself and said I did not want to go to the inpatient unit. I was simply asking for a medication change. My psychiatrist took away the problem medication and added two medications.

The next morning, I woke up calm. I had some trouble sleeping, because my body was readjusting, especially my brain. I went out the next day and my symptoms were almost gone. I found out that the problem medication can cause a life-threatening condition that can cause paranoia, tremors and all kinds of things that I went through this past week.

I want to thank God for giving me signs throughout the week that He was listening and fighting with me and on my behalf. I don't believe in God because I am religious. I believe in God because I have learned to listen to Him. I don't really hear any voices. I see little situations in my life that remind me how much He cares. Even when I am symptomatic, I ask God to give me signs that He cares or messages to help me get through. The fact that my therapist and my psychiatrist both had the time to see me and talk to me to try to keep me out of inpatient is more than a coincidence. It was divine intervention.

Baby Bird

One of the world's most beautiful events just happened to me as I walked home from a quick run.


I happened to come across a baby bird. I thought it was odd that it did not fly away as soon as it saw me. It kept trying to fly away. It was obviously learning to fly. Then the parent bird came down and said something to the baby bird. Probably some words of encouragement. Right after that, the baby flew away, with no struggle.

I had a very difficult day. I am struggling a lot. I am currently waiting to hear if my insurance will cover a brain MRI that I need in order to see if I have a brain tumor. I’m trying to hang in there as much as I can at this point but it is terrifying. I am waiting for the next step regarding going to the dentist. I am waiting to see if my housing situation will get any better.

Waiting… waiting.. waiting…

I do not like waiting. I will be the first to say that I am one of the least patient people I have ever man. Patient with others but not situations. I want to know NOW… right this very second.

But that is not how life is.

Watching the baby bird struggle reminded me that if something scares me, the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. The bird did not fly far, but it took steps forward. Sometimes it takes some encouragement from others, like the parent bird did to the baby bird. I hate to be cliché (and by saying that I am cliché) but I was also reminded that baby steps lead to so much more… the ability to fly.

Disproving

I just spent the last 5 hours or so hanging out with friends, laughing and enjoying life. While I was out with friends, I realized that I neglected to bring my pill case with my PRN medication. For those who do not know what a PRN medication is, it is a medication that one takes only at times that they need it with limits. I currently can take 2 low doses of Haldol per day as needed. My psychiatrist wants my symptoms under control, even though Haldol is an antipsychotic, which are known to aggravate my medical condition.

I realized (and confirmed later) when I was out with friends that I have not taken Haldol in the past 4 days. I did not even notice in the past few days that I did not need the medication. This did not happen because of some goal I was trying to achieve. It came naturally which makes it even more exciting to me.

To those of you who have not heard or read, two weeks ago, I disproved my paranoid theory that the FBI was sending me messages. I wrote down the code and it was gibberish. My life began to take a new path and quickly, I saw results in my actions and behaviors.

This inspired me to disprove ALL my paranoid thoughts and beliefs. A few days ago, I came up with questions and thoughts that went against or counteract each of my paranoid theories and beliefs. I typed and printed a copy a few days ago and folded it and put it in my pocket. Whenever my paranoia worsened, I either read the packet that pertained to that belief or I wrote more questions and thoughts.

I have a minor in Mathematics so I have learned a lot of logic and proofs. It has taken this long to use this “logical” part of my mind and apply it to my delusions and paranoia.

Throughout this journey over the past few days, I was honestly angry at myself for not writing these thoughts even earlier. Even though I deal with paranoia daily, I feel much more at peace. I strongly believe that by working very hard on my thoughts, I can learn to live free of paranoia. It may take months and I may have moments that I need to take the PRN but I am headed in the right direction.

Last year, at this time, I was on about 7 medications and a total of 14 pills a day, including multiple antipsychotics. Currently, I am only taking 2 medications and a total of 3 pills a day, none of which are antipsychotics (unless I need it).

Progress is a beautiful thing.

Proof or no proof?

Last week, I became so frustrated with a huge paranoid "theory/conspiracy" that I chose to face my fears. My theory told me that the FBI was sending me messages through a code to figure out. For months, I have been so paranoid and frightened that I could not even write down the message out of fear that there would certainly be a message. What was in those messages have fascinated me as well as terrorized me for the past year or so.

Want to read the message I received when I finally gained the courage to write it down?

Yes I thought so. Here it is…

W U N L R Z L F S L G Z D N E G P G X P Y Y S L J M B E F H P A Z G T R B S M C E F X M K Y D V Z M K C L M U D F H O C U E C C V Z L Y L E Z U X E N T E S PP A Z G K K W G W V W K M M D V R D S X C S J F A M Z F E D K

 Yes, that code has been something I have been paranoid about for a year. Unless I’m missing something, the code seems like what an infant would say if you asked them to say the alphabet. I’ve been running away from this?

Long story short, this huge realization has already made a huge positive difference in my life. No longer do I believe the FBI is sending me messages.

Today, I sat down with my notebook. I wrote down on the top of 4 pages things that I have been running from, frightened of, or paranoid about. Those 4 subjects were things that I have been paranoid about for the past 6 or 7 years.

They include:

-my belief that the FBI is following me and recording my every move

-my belief that the police are after me

-my belief that people are talking about me (99.99999% bad)

-my belief that I am constantly in trouble

It has gotten so bad that I honestly believed that some of the staff at my outpatient program were undercover FBI agents who were following me on a daily basis, repeating the info to the headquarters, ready to arrest me at any moment.

As I wrote down things this morning that I can do to counteract and disprove the paranoia through questions and research on the internet, I came to the conclusion today that, like the message, nothing made sense to me. There was an overwhelming amount of information and other stuff that disproved my theories.

I feel like I finally unlocked an area of potential that I had never seen before. I opened up the door to a new positive area of my life, which previously had been riddled with fear, terror and paranoia.

I opened the door to peace and tranquility, something that I have yearned for most of my life. Days might come when my paranoia is bad again, but I feel that with consistent reminders that it is wrong, I will get through this. Hopefully soon, I can live with paranoia being something of the past.

Broken Is Beautiful

This happened this morning…

At first I was upset, but then I gathered the plants and put them in a larger flower pot. I “saved” them from dying. I saw the beauty in the desperation, the strength in the weakness and the opportunity in the accident.

I could not help but stop and ruminate on the power of this metaphor. Many people have heard that broken things are sometimes more beautiful than the original thing, whatever that “thing” is. It could be a difficult situation or a time when you felt broken and so "beaten up" that you want to give up. A person dies that you were close to, you received a diagnosis for something that you did not want to deal with, someone treated you badly with no remorse, having a period of time when you were frustrated at the world, etc.

Whatever that situation is, there is always hope. When the flower pot slipped out of my hands, I was frustrated. But I saved the plants and I also saved the broken pieces of the flower pot for an art project I want to make.

Even in our roughest moments or moments in which we want to give up, there are even more beautiful moments in store for us as we keep moving forward and fighting through our worst fears. It is in moving forward that we allow good to come into our lives at the times when we most need it.

Facing Our Greatest Fears

I have to say that I love my friends. I just got off the phone with a friend after calling family and friends since around 5pm tonight when my doctor gave me some news.

Good news first: The lumps in my breasts are benign and are thought to be cysts.
Bad news second: Because my hormone level is high, I am getting an MRI scan next week to see if I have a pituitary tumor.

The friend that I got off the phone with yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise God!" when I told her about the benign lumps. When I said "but I still have to go to get an MRI to see if there is a tumor," she exclaimed "There won't be!" Sometimes I wish I could have conviction like her. I always have admired her strong faith in healing. I definitely believe in the power of prayer, but often, I don't fully trust in God. I have never fully trusted anyone in my life based on my rough childhood and my mental illness, especially paranoia.

As I waited in the waiting room in the imaging building this morning, I rested my head on my boyfriend's shoulder, as we held hands tightly, not knowing what today would bring. I wrote something on my Facebook last night "We never know what tomorrow will bring until we face our fears." Fear is such a prominent feature of my mental illness and in so many lives in general. I have learned that the only way to overcome my symptoms is to keep living and keep moving forward despite the scary stuff. It's ok to be afraid or anxious but when it stops you from moving forward, problems arise.

I recently was released from the inpatient psych unit at the local hospital and to tell you the truth, I was terrified. The hospital had become a comfort zone or a safe place for me. I thought that everyone on the outside was after me (and including most of the people treating me). I thought there were going to be helicopters with FBI agents and police cars waiting for me to get out so they could arrest me. I did not want to leave the hospital, but the night before my release, I told myself that I can't let my symptoms dictate my life. I knew I had to leave and deal with whatever came, no matter how frightening. I could either stay in the hospital and risk going to a state mental institution or I could get up the next morning and face my greatest fears.

I did not want to go the imaging place this morning and I believe that having my boyfriend there with me is one of the only reasons I went. But again, in order to move forward, I had to overcome the tidal wave of anxiety. I had to get up, get dressed and get my day started. If not, I would allow my
anxiety to rule my life.

A few days ago, I came across a new favorite song of mine called The Cure by Unspoken. It talks about the fact that we all are going through something frightening or challenging. We are all looking for ways to "cure" what we are going through but the only true "cure" is found in Jesus. He IS the cure. In the depths of my soul, I know that God can heal, at the perfect time and the truly divine moment.

May God heal you, restore you and bring you a sense of hope and peace which surpass all understanding.

Trusting God

It’s about 6 am this morning, June 17, 2017. I believe in being real and genuine as I deal with difficult circumstances during my life journey with mental illness and life in general. This is as raw as it gets. I do not always write for others but rather, I often write to process my challenges.

As many of you know, yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to my doctor to get a breast exam to see if I need a mammogram. While there, they found “thickened areas” in both breasts and I was diagnosed with “an unspecified lump in breast.” I am going next Thursday morning to get a breast ultrasound to get a better idea of what I’m dealing with and to see if there are tumors. My doctor did not want to send me for a mammogram unless I absolutely need it to avoid excess radiation. They also may do an MRI sometime soon to rule out a pituitary tumor, something that may be real and possible.

I hope it’s cysts. I pray that it is cysts. I pray it’s nodules. I pray that I do not have to worry about something more serious. But a lot of people do not know the full story.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition that has been found to increase the likelihood of breast cancer. One of my hormone levels was through the roof when I was in the psych inpatient unit. My level was 122 and the normal level is 20-25. My psychiatrist immediately took me off all antipsychotics except a very small dose of an antipsychotic as a PRN (as needed) medication. To tell you the truth, I do not always want to take it because it raises my hormone level, thus raising the likelihood of getting breast cancer. Do I choose sanity or do I choose a lower risk of breast cancer? Catch-22. Sometimes the PRN is not enough and I have to deal with the paranoia and psychosis with skills. I have been on antipsychotics since 2009 and they can greatly exacerbate the medical condition, meaning that my levels probably have been high for a very long time, thus, again, raising my likelihood for breast cancer.

I am so thankful for all the prayers I’ve received. I can honestly feel them. This is one of the most scary and terrifying things I have ever gone through. Yes, I am scared that it may be breast cancer. Yes, my mind is going there. Yes, I’ve cried my eyes out all day yesterday and a little this morning. Why? Because there is a chance that I may have breast cancer. There also is a chance I may have a pituitary tumor. I am scared. Many of my friends and family are scared. I almost broke down when I saw my brother nearly cry last night as I gave him an update.

One of the only things that keeps me going is that I have God in my life. Some people have said that God would not give me cancer. Even if He does, I know that He will be there with me through all of this. I also am honored to have a boyfriend who wants to go with me to all my appointments. He is the most amazing man I know and I am incredibly lucky that he chose me to be his girlfriend. He is so strong and he helped me through so much. I honestly love him to the moon and back (1,500,000 times).

I am fortunate to have friends and family all over the world who have reached out to me. Yes, this time is scary, but when you have that much support, it is a lot easier to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” (Psalm 23). When you know that God will never abandon you, there is hope for a better day. There is hope that I can keep moving forward, no matter how terrifying and challenging circumstances can get.

Please feel free to share this because I need as many prayers I can get at this point.

Open Door

Yesterday, I received some very exciting news. Many of you have heard that I was accepted to an online MSW program a few months ago. I have been most concerned with getting enough financial aid to cover the cost of a second Master's.

Yesterday, a big door opened up when I found out that I have enough financial aid, meaning that I am set up to go to graduate school, starting in May.

This is not just about school, for me, though. I have been in treatment for my mental illnesses for awhile now. Going back to school is a huge step forward.

This is about getting up after a big fall. This is about speaking back to the paranoid thoughts. This is about proving to myself that I am not going to let my illnesses dictate what I do or what mountains are seemingly too rough to climb. This is about gaining back control of my life.

This is about perseverance, resilience and strength that God has given me and all of us.

Positivity >> Negativity

Today was the most difficult day for me in the past two and a half weeks. I woke up with some paranoia, did some meditation and my entire morning routine. I was alright for most of the day, except some high anxiety and mild paranoia.

I meditated to positive affirmations a few minutes before writing this post. I really needed to meditation and my anxiety is gone... and I mean, really gone. Not just for a few minutes or so.

As I was listening to the meditation, I thought about everything that I've been blessed with or that is going well in my life. Sometimes I get so stuck in what negative things because I am so used to bad things- abuse, mental illness symptoms, neglect, homelessness, suicidal ideation, etc. The list could go on forever. However, the list of positives greatly outweigh the negatives. If you know anything about abstract algebra, you know that there are different sizes of infinity.

Positivity >> Negativity

Today, I awoke to birds chirping. I turned my lights on- I have a lamp and overhead light, which allow me to dim the room during my morning and night routine. I have a laptop through which I can communicate with people all around the world, look for endless information, listen to music and meditations. I have a phone through which I talk to, laugh, cry with and express myself to friends and family. I have a loving family in many different areas of my life. I have food in the refrigerator. I can hear, speak, walk, run, see and eat. I have enough clothing.

May we always be reminded of how fortunate we are.

Self-Awareness Case Study

Many of you know that I am returning to a graduate school in order to receive my second Master's degree. In the last few months, I have struggled much with symptoms, namely flashbacks and paranoia. In school, I studied a few Statistics courses.

Over the last two weeks, I started my own experiment on myself, technically called a case study with oneself.

I sat down and took notes on what I wanted to change in my life. I said to myself, "Something's gotta change. I can't just stay paranoid or have flashbacks for the rest of my life. I need to rethink how I live my life."

So I basically turned my life right-side-up. I majorly changed how I fall asleep, how I wake up in the morning, completed Orientation for graduate school, started reading books again (mainly self help), took my first injection of a medication and meditated over 3 times a day.

I slowed everything down.

This is where I tell you the success or failure of my "self-awareness case study." The only thing that I could have done better is not changed everything at the same time. Any good experimenter knows that you should only make one change at a time so you can see which of the things significantly increase quality of life. I was too excited to wait so I changed everything at once.

I have to share that all of these changes I have made my life so much easier, more meaningful, exciting, peaceful and beautiful. All of my goals and hypothesis came true in this experiment. I have found that my paranoia has nearly gone away, I am more happy and calm. In fact, I am so much calmer that I have handled difficult and triggering situations, feelings and emotions and without running away or becoming too emotional. I have remained calm in situations that used to make me cry or run away. I am able to concentrate and focus even in situations that used to make me dissociation.

Life is beautiful and I think this experiment just goes to show that you have the choice to stay stuck in the negative or move forward into the positive things that God has planned for you.

For me, I am working on maintaining this experiment and using the tricks I have learned to better my life.

Just the Beginning

Have you ever heard the saying "you don't know how lucky you are until you lose something you love"? I was just thinking about that, especially today. This afternoon I was able to gain some closure over a friend's recent passing.

I talked about an hour ago with a family member who is nearly 96 years old. We haven't always agreed on everything and we've also had tough times and situations. But she said something profound. She told me "You are only at the beginning of your life and I am at the end of mine. Your life is important.... God will help you."

Those words meant and continue to mean a lot to me. I was reminded how much our lives are so intertwined and precious. I find a lot of meaning in my life, especially through getting to know others as well as helping at least one person a day.

We do not need to save the world but rather we can do little things for others that make a difference.

Total 180

Oh Goodness Gracious do I have a lot to share about my recent lifestyle changes I made last weekend. Before I speak any further, I want to share that I have had a significant reduction in my symptoms. I have been functioning a lot more and better.

So here goes the 6 things I have brought into my life to deal with symptoms this past week...

1) Nightly Routine
I have drastically changed my night routine. Before this week, sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night as well as well as having issues falling asleep. I also used to dwell in paranoia when I woke up.

Curremtly, I have used some sleep hygiene "rules." I turn off all electronics between 7-7:30pm, except when I use my computer or phone to play a meditation or an emergency. After 7:30pm, I take a warm bath, meditate and read a book, all with dimmed lighting to foster calm feelings. When I feel tired enough, I get into bed and fall asleep.

2) Morning Routine
Prior to this week, I noticed that I woke up a lot with paranoid thoughts. I just laid there thinking negative thoughts.

Now, I put the dim lighting on again, and I write 3 things in my morning journal (3 Good things that happened the day before, 1 thing that needs improvement and 1 affirmation.). I have noticed that I currently wake up in a much more positive state in mind.

3) Meditating
Before this past week, I only occasionally meditated. This week, I meditated 3-5 times a day. I have seen a great difference in how I deal with difficult things that would have sent me into a spiral. I have been calm and positive. I also focus and concentrate a lot more and more easily. I listen to meditations online and a meditation CD that I bought a few years ago.

4) Orientation and Getting Ready for School
In case you did not hear, I was accepted to a top online MSW program. I have spent a lot of time this week getting ready for school, something that I am very passionate about. The excitement and anticipation has helped me to feel more hope.

5) Injection
Before this week, I took all of my pills orally. However, I took personal responsibility over the fact that I missed my medications twice in two weeks. I made a connection that whenever I forget to take a medication, even once, it shakes me up. So I asked my doctor if I could receive an injection for one of my medications. My psychiatrist said that if I take the injection, I won't be as affected by a lost dose.

I got my first injection this past week and I've had no side effects so far. I've also had minimum symptoms.

6) Reactions to Difficult Situations
Someone I talked to recently told me that I need to work on how I handle difficult and triggering situations. That's why it is something that I am working on. I cannot always expect others to comfort me or be there for me. This past week, especially on Friday, I was faced with a few situations that in the past would have sent me into a tailspin. Instead of running away, I faced those situations, meditated or used deep breathing to calm down and eventually dealt with the situation very well, with no help from others.

Change

On my way back home this afternoon from a store, I was thinking a lot about my paranoia symptoms. As many people know, I like to think and analyze different things.

I realized that being paranoid is a lot like being in solitary confinement. I often cannot get out of the symptoms easily, no matter how many people I check facts with. I often find that nobody experiences the paranoia like I do (not because I am special, which I am not, but because of my different body chemistry and life experiences). I also do not think my symptoms are worse than anyone else that deals with the paranoia or any other symptoms, just different.

I often feel as if there is nobody I can talk to, nobody that understands and that everyone else is after me. Case in point: Today, I thought that everybody I came in contact with is behind this big scheme against me to get me in so much trouble that someone will kill me. I often believe that everyone's lives would be better without me. Sometimes, like I think many people in solitary confinement deal with, I lose touch with reality and get locked into my own emotions.

I am put in the middle of two worlds: The Truth and The False. My mind tries to overcome and challenge the negative thoughts. I am currently meditating anywhere between 5-10 times a day varying from 5-30 minutes per time. Meditation helps me tremendously to slow down and be in the present moment. Meditation also helps me to find The Truth.

Today was not half as bad symptom-wise as it usually is for me. I have been making a ton of new changes in my schedule during the day and at night. For example, I noticed that if I do not receive enough sleep, my paranoia and other symptoms usually are worse. In order to combat this, I have come up with "Sleep Rules" based on various sleep hygiene recommendations. I don't use any electronics after 7pm, about 1.5-2 hours before my bedtime. In that time before I start to sleep, I take a nice warm bath, listen to classical music, listen to some meditations I have, color or read a book, all with the lights dimmed. I started this routine on Friday and I have seen a significant reduction in my symptoms as well as being more able to handle and deal with the symptoms when they arise.

Living well does not always require gigantic changes. Sometimes it only requires a few changes in your schedule to change your life for the better.

There is always hope, joy, peace and calm to be found in this lifetime, no matter how many different challenges you are faced with.

Open and Honest

Today was difficult and trying at times, but it was also a very productive day in the sense that I learned more about myself. I am working on bettering my life in quite a few ways. One of the things I am currently working on is boundaries.

Setting boundaries is an important subject in dealing with mental illnesses because it is necessary and mandatory to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries have not always been a strong point for me with others. I believe it comes from having grown up in a family with barely any boundaries.

I have shared a lot about my life and personal history with people around me and on this blog in order to help others understand mental illnesses. If I trust someone enough to open up with them, sometimes I feel that it is required to share EVERYTHING that I am feeling or have dealt with.  I want to be understood in a way that is unrealistic since nobody will ever fully understand what I am going through or talking about. Sometimes I find someone I trust and my sharing begins as a single drop of water and quickly becomes an overwhelming waterfall.

I have to take personal responsibility and realize that sometimes I may go overboard with sharing my past or even current situations. I cannot email, text or call someone every time I am upset because I am an adult. I am learning how to deal with my symptoms and situations more independently.

Boundaries are good. Sometimes boundaries are tough to manage. Boundaries can be healthy, though, especially in making relationships last. Boundaries are necessary.

Up Since 4am

I have been up since 4am or so just lying in my bed with ten million things going through my head. All negative. All paranoid.

This has become a routine in my mind. My mind playing tricks on me. Running through everything that has happened in my life. There must be a conspiracy against me. The situations around the world are all my fault.

The world does not revolve around me. Or does it? Or am I symptomatic? Are people hiding something from me? Is their laughter because of a common joke that everyone has against me? Am I missing something? Is this all a prank?

I am sharing this because I want to provide a real account of what it is like to struggle with paranoia on a daily basis. There are thousands of people just like me who deal with these questions and thoughts every single day.

It is not easy to deal with terror and intense fear every day. But as I said in last night's post, I am blessed to have difficulties in life because it makes the light of God shine even brighter. I cannot even begin to explain how good it feels when I fact-check with someone and I come to realize that these thoughts are just that- thoughts. It is my "mind playing tricks on me."

 One of my favorite verses from the Bible says "joy comes in the morning." There is joy waking up each day, even on mornings like this one. I also often find myself saying "Joy comes in the mourning." I often mourn the loss of what it is like to live without paranoia, which started in my early 20s. There is joy even in the difficult "stuff" of life.

Hidden Blessings

I replay a lot of my daily conversations with people over and over in my head. Things people say. Things people do. Stares. Smiles. Frowns. I like to take a conversation apart and take it piece by piece, investigating in my own way. Processing it. Understanding it.

Someone recently told me something that has stuck with me. This person said that, to them, my achievements don't matter, my education does not matter, and other things like that don't matter. What matters is that I show up for treatment even on the challenging days.

I may not do everything perfectly or have all of the answers, but I know that I surely am doing my best living with some difficult circumstances.

Some people may question why I am so honest and deep about my illnesses. I believe in helping others without mental illnesses understand what it is like to live with symptoms every single day.

I wish I had a car. I wish I had a house of my own. I wish I had kids. I wish I was not 27 and barely have anything. I wish I have achieved more.

But to tell you the truth, I have been blessed with difficulties. I am blessed to have mental illnesses. I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to have people around me who are wonderful, supportive and encouraging, especially my awesome boyfriend. I am blessed to be where I am at in my recovery. I am blessed to be able to smile even on the tough days, like today. I am blessed with laughter til I cry. I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to have been born. I am blessed to have a mother in my life who has shown that she cares very deeply for me and has supported me a lot recently. I am blessed to have a wonderful brother who is in my life and adds so much happiness to my day. I am blessed to be forgiven for my mistakes every single day. I am blessed to have so many friends who love me for who I am without trying to change me. I am blessed to be educated. I am blessed to live in America. I am blessed that the Dark Ages is over. I am blessed in more ways than I can count. And this list could go on...

I am blessed with life. 

Why am I saying that I am blessed with difficulties? Why am I saying it is blessed to go through things that make me cry myself to sleep during the night sometimes?

It is in our deepest and darkest moments that we find God's strength with us. It is in our deepest and darkest moments that we develop hope. It is in our deepest and darkest moments that we find meaning and purpose in our lives.

We are all blessed. Remember how blessed we all are to have our lives, this opportunity to shine God's love and light into such a dark and troubled world.

Hope for a Better Day

Many of you have been reading my blog for awhile. Some of you have just recently started following and reading my blog. Either way, I hope that you have learned something about living with mental illnesses. One of my main goals for writing on this blog is to raise awareness.

A few minutes ago, I came across an article on Facebook about Golisano Children's Hospital in Syracuse, NY opening a psych unit for children, due to the shortages of places for children and teens dealing with mental illnesses in the area.

I could not be more excited for this project. I personally was on a committee that worked to raise money for this hospital when it first opened. I am incredibly encouraged in the fact that they are working so hard to make sure that children and teens with mental illnesses get the help that they need.

We truly are blessed to live in a country in which people with mental illness are able to access mental health services. Millions of people worldwide (even in the US) do not receive the services they need, somewhat due to stigmatization and lack of hospitals.

I was in my early teens when I first started noticing symptoms. At age 15, I had my first inpatient unit journey in which they diagnosed me with "possible bipolar." Gaining the support I needed at the time, I was able to work through many of the issues I was dealing with. For the most part, I felt safe in the hospital as a young teenager. It was there that I first met others that I could relate to.

Mental health services are not a luxury; they are a necessity for millions of people. I would not have come as far or overcome so many challenges if it were not for the support, encouragement and love that I have received from all of my peers and staff at all of the hospitals I have been through.

If I was asked if I would rather have life without mental illness or life with mental illness, I would say that I honestly would rather have mental illnesses because I have met some of the most amazing people throughout my time in treatment, both inpatient and outpatient.

Everybody with mental illnesses needs to feel loved and supported. Keep opening doors for children with mental illnesses. Stop people from discriminating against mental illness. Allow people to ask questions and learn about mental illness. Listen to the voices of the unseen, unheard and misunderstood. We all deserve love.

3 Lent

Yesterday was the celebration of Ash Wednesday, or the start of Lent. Often people celebrate Lent by giving up something. In the past, I've tried to give up Facebook but I couldn't. However, I went through a few months without checking Facebook two years ago.

This year, rather than giving up something I enjoy, I am going to work on my relationship with others and glorifying God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit through making goals for myself to follow this time of year. I find that devoting myself to bettering my world and the world of others is a great way to celebrate Lent and Jesus in general. I want to be like Him. He is my inspiration and someone I admire much, not only because I am a Christian but also as a global citizen.

I think the following goals or challenges I had in mind can apply to anyone, which is why I am sharing them.

1. Listen More. A lot of the time, as many of us do, I am listening to others but the moment I think of something I want to say, I automatically only think of that instead of listening intently to the other person. I really want to work on this communicating challenge because I am not the only person who likes to talk. Language is an incredible tool to share ideas and spread love to those around us. The best thing we can do for each other is learn to listen. I often want to be heard. And so do others.

2. Slow Down. I have been home sick with a mild case of bronchitis for the past few days. To tell you the truth, it has been one of the most calming times in my life because I am able to rest and reflect. I am able to bingewatch TV shows online, which has helped me to take care of myself, especially the humorous times. I usually am so busy I do not get to watch clouds outside my window. I've even been doing more meditation today. In the past 2 years, I have only called out three days, other than my two hospitalizations (3 weeks altogether). I can agree that I have needed this time to calm down and remember that I do not need to do all and be all. I can just be. I can enjoy being. I can enjoy living. Not that I did not enjoy being and living before but it's just been nice to sit and rest. I feel like my whole life has slowed down. I don't have to do this, this and that. I can take my time to feel better.

3. Think Before I Speak or Act. This is an ongoing struggle for me. I am working on my actions and reactions towards life events and different things I am going through, like the death of a friend. Each of us has gone through times where we wish we wouldn't have said this or that to someone else. Oops! Sometimes we need to slow down and think about what we do or say. We have to keep the other person in mind when we say certain things. It is not always easy but it is worth working on this goal.

I may not know everything about everything but I am working hard to make this a great season in my life. I want to make a lasting positive impact in the lives around me. I want to share God's love, kindness and understanding, the same things that He and so many others in my life have done for me. So before I go watch another episode of a TV show, I just wanted to say thanks for reading my blog. I am incredibly thankful for your time, encouragement and support, even if I may never meet you.

Every Moment

This morning, I am reminded how precious our time is here in this world. Make the most of every conversation and interaction you have with others. Tell them you love them. Tell them that they have made a huge positive impact in your life.

We are never guaranteed tomorrow.

Remember that you are loved, even when you've made mistakes. Remember and focus on the good times in your life instead of dwelling on the negatives.

Each second, minute, hour, week, month and year is an opportunity to live... really live.

This morning, I am grateful for life, even with the challenges I am faced with every single day.

A Cosine Wave

When you think of bipolar disorder, do you ever think of extremes? You know that sine or cosine wave that you were taught in high school or college statistics? The neverending pattern of the Bell curve which describes the IQ measures? The neverending pattern of parabolic functions?

Up and down and up and down, like clockwork...

And yes, I am an engineer... A Biomedical Engineer.

Someone important in my life said to me a few years ago that I have a dichotomous mind. At first, I was like "dichotowho?"... I've been reflecting a lot on that lately though. 

Quite often, I am either  

Yay-everydayisgreat-everythingisfantastic-nothingiswrong-nothingwillEVERbewrong-lifeisthebest-iaminvincible-nothingsgonnagetmedown

 or 

Icantbelievehowdifficultthislifeis-i'mnevergoinganywhere-everybodyhatesme-everybodywantstogetridofme-i'maburden-iwillalwaysbesick/mentallyill-i'mgarbage-nobodycares-theyrelaughingatme-iwantittoend.

I am slowly but surely finding the "grey area" between those extremes. I don't mean to use that cliche explanation or term, but there really is power in finding that grey area and embracing it. I do not believe we were made for those types of extremes.
 
I believe that it is imperative for me to find that middle ground where there is peace even on the most difficult days. I picture myself somewhere between the valley and the top of a mountain.

However, finding that "grey area" is not simple.

I had a quite strong reaction to something that someone said recently. Yes, I get triggers that sometimes add to the stress, but I just started sobbing. I think it was an extreme reaction to what was said, even though it had nothing to do with me.

Needless to say, I am working on my reactions to my triggers. I am coming to realize that I have the power to control how I react to others and different situations. I'm never going to get anywhere if I have such strong reactions to everything. I cannot control what others are going to say or do around me. I also cannot always expect someone to be there for me everytime I have an extreme reaction. People are going to say things that upset me, but isn't that true for all of us? What is more important is to be able to control our emotions so that we can move forward,

I cannot run from my triggers. I can only control me, not others or certain situations. I can control my reactions in a powerful way.

The Inevitable Dreams

Has anyone ever asked you if you have a dream that you want to come into fruition during your precious time in this world?

If not, let me ask you... Do you have any dreams for your life here?

And before you say "I'm too old," "I'm not smart enough," "I don't have enough money," "I'm not beautiful," or just plainly, "I am not enough," STOP!

I've seen my own dreams come true. I also have seen other lives changed by focusing on making dreams come true, including my boyfriend, whose dreams are coming true as I write this.

I kind of live by this motto... Live Like Today is Your Last Day.

It is true that we do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week, month, or year from now. We have a choice to live life to the fullest. Granted this is not simple, especially with a mental illness or other challenges. But we can continue to move forward.

We can choose to make a positive difference in this world.

For me, I try to (I don't do this all the time) help others because, to me, that is the only way to live.

Let me ask you again, do you have any dreams that you would like to see happen?

If you do, start making your dreams come true because we are not guarateed tomorrow.

Capturing God

I love capturing the beauty in nature. I love the beauty of God's creation all around us. He speaks to me through the sky, especially the sunrises. I try to watch the sun rise every morning. Photography used to be a weak point for me, but I have gained a lot of strength in capturing God's handiwork.

Earlier today, I posted about finding our voices. A major part of my voice is through art, specifically photography. Through meditation, I am able to stop, breathe and enjoy the morning before a busy day. It helps me to slow down and remember that this day was created by God.

Here are some photos I have taken of sunrises throughout the past few years. Enjoy!

Meeting the Sound

I've been thinking about my voice for the past day or so, especially since I have met my voice through this blog. Finding our voice is not just for people with brain disorders or mental illnesses. Finding our voice is a natural phenomena that we all find ourselves moving towards.

We want to be validated. We want to be heard. We all want to be understood.

Some of you may know that I have worked with at least a hundred children and adults with special needs, mainly Down Syndrome, cerebral palsy and autism. I worked with people who could not speak, including an unforgettable girl about my age that could not speak, walk or eat by herself. 

At around 12 years old, I taught her how to write, as I gently directed her hand to write letters. She also used a computer hooked up to her wheelchair to speak. Before she passed away (about after a year that I worked with her), I helped her write a card that said "I love you, Mom." I will never forget her or how amazing it felt to help her find some part of her voice.

The last time I saw her, I told her that she inspired me to help others just like her. I currently hold a Masters degree in Biomedical Engineering, through which I have learned how to brainstorm, build, and test devices that can be used to help those with special needs.

I've seen all kinds of devices that have been created to aid people with disabilities. One of the most powerful example came from a movie I once watched about a mother whose son has autism and cannot speak. She created a small computer device that allows him to type what he wants the device to say. The difference between him before and then after using the device is profound and really emphasizes how important our voices are. Before this device, he had no way of communicating with others. They were in shock about how much he really understood. This device has also been incredibly useful for people around the world.

At age 13, I realized how important having a voice really is. I also understood that our voice does not necessarily have to be through speaking out loud. It is found through so much more than that. People find their voices through actions, reactions, writing, body language, art, photography, dancing and all kinds of different avenues.

I personally have found my voice through photography, writing, art, playing instruments (piano, vocals, harmonica, clarinet, and French horn among others) and writing music. I also love helping others, which I believe is a major part of my voice. I worked at 4 hospitals and 5 universities by age 23, through internships and work. When I was a young teenager, I helped build and fix homes even throughout undergoing a period of homelessness.

Sometimes we find our voice through helping others find their own voice. I lost my oldest brother to suicide when I was 17 (he was 25). I spoke at my high school to different classes, about staying away from drugs and alcohol. My brother had been addicted to drugs, dealing drugs and was an alcoholic for most of his life. I ended his story by telling my peers that they had a choice that my brother does not have anymore. Through sharing his story, I was able to give voice to my brother in a powerful way.

Each of us have a voice, even in the most difficult times. For me, I find that I hear God's voice sometimes clearer on the worst days.

A few years ago, I went through a catatonic state in which I did not and could not speak, eat, drink or sleep for 3 days. I wanted to speak. I just could not make a sound. I remember those 3 days like it was yesterday. I remember thinking the FBI was after me. I thought one of the doctors was Michelle Obama. My mind was making all of that stuff up to the point that I was terrified. And add to that, I could not find my voice.

I am continuing the journey to find my voice. I do not believe it is a destination but rather the journey through life.

What can you do to find your voice? What are ways you can stand up for yourself and others? How can you validate the voices around you? How can you love your voice despite having gone through difficulties? Does going through difficult times make it easier or harder to find your voice? How can you stop and listen to others' voices?

Unending Love and Support

I wanted to share something that has made me appreciate the support, kindness, encouragement and love I have been shown throughout my life.

The photo above shows 142 greeting cards and 84 personal notes that I have received and collected over the past 8 years. I experience a warm feeling as I read notes from over 100 people whose lives have been a part of mine.

The main reason I started collecting cards is that I can be reminded of the wonderful people who have come into my life, even the people who may no longer be in my life. Reading them reminds me that my life has impacted people from all walks of life- from my best friends to the dorm janitor to the Dean of my college to my brother who died to the students in a class I taught in college.

Reading these cards usually makes me cry a little bit, especially the ones I received after my major suicide attempt. I am always amazed at the surplus of encouragement and support I was given through that very challenging time.

I feel the love. I feel the support. I feel the kindness. I feel the hope.
 
I like to read the notes and cards from time to time to lift my spirits and to remind myself how lucky I am to have wonderful friends and family.

To all those who have written notes and cards I love you and support you. Thank you.

The Good, The Bad and the Notecard

I do not even remember how long it has been since I first started using The Notecard. Little did I know how much it has helped me to grow and deal with the daily challenges which go along with having a mental illness. Little did I know the impact it would make, especially as I answer the questions in a journal in order to process thoughts and difficult circumstances.

The Notecard is just that... it's a notecard. But it has "special powers," mainly allowing me to pause, reflect and help me get out of a paranoid or psychotic state independently and creatively.

The Notecard has gone through many revisions, as I have found some questions to help me more. The current state of The Notecard is probably at the best it has ever been. Taken from suggestions, feedback and advice from those around me, I have created questions on The Notecard to help me to cope best with what I deal with every single day.

So here are the questions I use, as they may help you or someone you know to cope with mental illnesses.

Drumroll, please...

• What can I do NOW to cope with these thoughts?
• Is there a more reasonable way to think about these thoughts or the circumstance that I need to deal with?
• Am I focusing on things that are irrelevant? Is my mind trying to piece things together that makes my mind more chaotic or frightened?
• Is there anything I need at this point or are there ways to cope or deal with these thoughts or this difficult situation more independently?
• Are any of my thoughts distorted (i.e. black/white thinking or catastrophization)? If so, how can I think differently, stop or lessen these thoughts?
• Are there any situations or thoughts that are stressing me out? If so, what can I do to "destress" (i.e. meditation, going for a run or a walk)

 
Overall, The Notecard helps me through many situations, even the good and the bad. It keeps me moving forward and I have used it on grocery trips (since I have been known to have paranoia in the grocery store). I have used it in all sorts of situations and I feel blessed to have something so quite simple that has made a profound difference in my life.

A Mental Vacation

Earlier this afternoon, I had to do something that was very difficult for me to do. I had to stop my volunteer work, both since I am gearing up for classes in May in order to receive an MSW and also because it was incredibly stressful for me and ultimately triggered some of my symptoms, specifically paranoia.

While I feel like this is somewhat of a failure, deep down I know that I need to step back and be honest with myself on everything that I can handle.

I am an overachiever. In my first two years of college, I had a 3.986 GPA in an overload of classes (21 credits (normal of 18)), was in the Honors Program, worked part time at 2-5 jobs, participated in various clubs and organizations and still somehow had time to watch a Netflix movie nearly every night despite a bedtime of 10pm at the latest.

That ultimately led to the cookie crumbling...

I tried to take my life in 2009 due to paranoia, mania and depression all at the same time. I took a medical leave of absence, in which I came to the conclusion that I needed to step back and again, be honest with myself about everything that I can handle.

Sometimes, we have to realize that we cannot possibly be all and do all. I am not God. I am ONE person in a sea of millions of lives.

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by our own "bubbles" that we forget the meaning of life. To me, meaning comes from helping others. To me, meaning comes from realizing that I also need to take care of myself. To me, meaning comes from being the best person I can be.

However, there are limitations... human limitations. We can help others but ultimately, we need to do what's best for us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

There are so many billions of lives on this earth that we can barely even make a dent in our society, nation and world. However, at the end of the day, we can make a difference by how we treat others AND ourselves. If each of us makes a positive dent in our circle of our lives, we ultimately can positively change the world. We need to work together.

Some may believe or think that taking care of ourselves is selfish, but overall we can help more people if we first take care of ourselves.

Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need a mental vacation. Sometimes we need to just sit and calm down as we watch a sunrise or a sunset.

So, yes, I do believe that my decision to stop volunteering for awhile is healthy for me. I will be able to learn more skills and be able to continue to move forward.