Facing Our Greatest Fears

I have to say that I love my friends. I just got off the phone with a friend after calling family and friends since around 5pm tonight when my doctor gave me some news.

Good news first: The lumps in my breasts are benign and are thought to be cysts.
Bad news second: Because my hormone level is high, I am getting an MRI scan next week to see if I have a pituitary tumor.

The friend that I got off the phone with yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise God!" when I told her about the benign lumps. When I said "but I still have to go to get an MRI to see if there is a tumor," she exclaimed "There won't be!" Sometimes I wish I could have conviction like her. I always have admired her strong faith in healing. I definitely believe in the power of prayer, but often, I don't fully trust in God. I have never fully trusted anyone in my life based on my rough childhood and my mental illness, especially paranoia.

As I waited in the waiting room in the imaging building this morning, I rested my head on my boyfriend's shoulder, as we held hands tightly, not knowing what today would bring. I wrote something on my Facebook last night "We never know what tomorrow will bring until we face our fears." Fear is such a prominent feature of my mental illness and in so many lives in general. I have learned that the only way to overcome my symptoms is to keep living and keep moving forward despite the scary stuff. It's ok to be afraid or anxious but when it stops you from moving forward, problems arise.

I recently was released from the inpatient psych unit at the local hospital and to tell you the truth, I was terrified. The hospital had become a comfort zone or a safe place for me. I thought that everyone on the outside was after me (and including most of the people treating me). I thought there were going to be helicopters with FBI agents and police cars waiting for me to get out so they could arrest me. I did not want to leave the hospital, but the night before my release, I told myself that I can't let my symptoms dictate my life. I knew I had to leave and deal with whatever came, no matter how frightening. I could either stay in the hospital and risk going to a state mental institution or I could get up the next morning and face my greatest fears.

I did not want to go the imaging place this morning and I believe that having my boyfriend there with me is one of the only reasons I went. But again, in order to move forward, I had to overcome the tidal wave of anxiety. I had to get up, get dressed and get my day started. If not, I would allow my
anxiety to rule my life.

A few days ago, I came across a new favorite song of mine called The Cure by Unspoken. It talks about the fact that we all are going through something frightening or challenging. We are all looking for ways to "cure" what we are going through but the only true "cure" is found in Jesus. He IS the cure. In the depths of my soul, I know that God can heal, at the perfect time and the truly divine moment.

May God heal you, restore you and bring you a sense of hope and peace which surpass all understanding.