Freedom in the Fight

Ever since that day a month ago, that day I chose to fight that which had always tried to control and rob me of the last 8 years, I have wondered where I would be, etc. And I also believe that though the medications robbed me of certain experiences, it has not changed who I am. In fact, I believe it has made me a better person.

On that day over a month ago, I stopped taking a certain type of medication that I thought might be creating the symptoms, especially paranoia. Two days later, the symptoms disappeared. I was told that I would not even make it past the first week without being hospitalized. People will tell you that I was so excited I was dancing for most of the week. Imagine if you felt deep pain and fear for many years and it disappeared.

When I was first placed on this type of medication, I was in my third year of college. I had a 3.986 GPA in my first two years. After I went back after a medical leave, my grades plummeted. I could not deal with the loss of memory, concentration and focus. I had numerous talks with someone from the school who said I had to come to terms with these changes.

I don’t quite know when I first had paranoia, other than that it mostly started in late college years, which I was taking new medications . Somehow, I graduated and received a full fellowship for a PhD program. I was excited but my paranoia progressed rapidly. I was hospitalized about 8 times within college and graduate school and given all sorts of diagnoses. They tried putting me on over 25 medications, about 10 of which were the type I do not take now. They never completely worked and I was very frustrated.

I lost my PhD fellowship because of the paranoia. I could not walk around campus without having my head over my shoulder. My mind could not comprehend that maybe all those people were not following me but rather going to a different building or classroom.  I could barely look at peers or professors without intense fear. I even could not sit in a church without doubting that the people around me wanted me to go away. I could not even function as a lab assistant because I was so paranoid.

I ended up going home. I had a steady stream of hospital visits, day programs, hospital visits, day programs. Nobody could pinpoint why all the treatments were not working. Meanwhile, my brain was chaotic. I became catatonic, heard voices, would cringe at the sight of police, freeze at the sound of police cars. I feared that people thought I was not taking my medications….which I was taking them.

I did not want to go anywhere. I began not to go running, for fear that the police were following me. I stopped going to a friend’s store, for fear that they had ties to the FBI. I began to avoid the world out there. That’s when I stopped talking to my mother. I was hospitalized, cut off any communication with her, and moved away from anything I knew.

I began a day program. My mind was so cloudy that I did not really know what was going on. After that program, I was put in another outpatient program in which I have been in for the past 2 and a half years. Again, I was met with more paranoia. Some days I would travel in my mind. I soon began to fear some other peers and especially staff. One day I would be so happy and the next I believed some of the staff worked for the FBI. I sometimes spent a whole week not trusting anyone. Some days I gathered the courage to ask staff if I was in trouble or if they were mad at me.

They relentlessly told me that I was okay, that there was nothing wrong. That answer would lessen the paranoia but not for long.

Two months ago, I realized that I had not taken a medication that I was supposed to take for “psychotic agitation.” It was an as-needed medication to help alleviate the paranoia. I noticed that I was absolutely fine. Unfortunately after explaining this, I was told to stay on the medication.

After taking the medication again, my symptoms came back, worse than ever before. That is when I began to fight. I thought I was on to something. One day, I made sense of everything.

I’ve been off that type of medication for over a month now and I have not had any paranoia.

Those medications may have robbed me of the last 8 years but I still have me. I have met incredible people. I’ve met the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend, I have many friends and a great support network. And I also have God in my life, who has helped me to continue to get through difficult times.