Up Since 4am

I have been up since 4am or so just lying in my bed with ten million things going through my head. All negative. All paranoid.

This has become a routine in my mind. My mind playing tricks on me. Running through everything that has happened in my life. There must be a conspiracy against me. The situations around the world are all my fault.

The world does not revolve around me. Or does it? Or am I symptomatic? Are people hiding something from me? Is their laughter because of a common joke that everyone has against me? Am I missing something? Is this all a prank?

I am sharing this because I want to provide a real account of what it is like to struggle with paranoia on a daily basis. There are thousands of people just like me who deal with these questions and thoughts every single day.

It is not easy to deal with terror and intense fear every day. But as I said in last night's post, I am blessed to have difficulties in life because it makes the light of God shine even brighter. I cannot even begin to explain how good it feels when I fact-check with someone and I come to realize that these thoughts are just that- thoughts. It is my "mind playing tricks on me."

 One of my favorite verses from the Bible says "joy comes in the morning." There is joy waking up each day, even on mornings like this one. I also often find myself saying "Joy comes in the mourning." I often mourn the loss of what it is like to live without paranoia, which started in my early 20s. There is joy even in the difficult "stuff" of life.