Trusting God

It’s about 6 am this morning, June 17, 2017. I believe in being real and genuine as I deal with difficult circumstances during my life journey with mental illness and life in general. This is as raw as it gets. I do not always write for others but rather, I often write to process my challenges.

As many of you know, yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to my doctor to get a breast exam to see if I need a mammogram. While there, they found “thickened areas” in both breasts and I was diagnosed with “an unspecified lump in breast.” I am going next Thursday morning to get a breast ultrasound to get a better idea of what I’m dealing with and to see if there are tumors. My doctor did not want to send me for a mammogram unless I absolutely need it to avoid excess radiation. They also may do an MRI sometime soon to rule out a pituitary tumor, something that may be real and possible.

I hope it’s cysts. I pray that it is cysts. I pray it’s nodules. I pray that I do not have to worry about something more serious. But a lot of people do not know the full story.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition that has been found to increase the likelihood of breast cancer. One of my hormone levels was through the roof when I was in the psych inpatient unit. My level was 122 and the normal level is 20-25. My psychiatrist immediately took me off all antipsychotics except a very small dose of an antipsychotic as a PRN (as needed) medication. To tell you the truth, I do not always want to take it because it raises my hormone level, thus raising the likelihood of getting breast cancer. Do I choose sanity or do I choose a lower risk of breast cancer? Catch-22. Sometimes the PRN is not enough and I have to deal with the paranoia and psychosis with skills. I have been on antipsychotics since 2009 and they can greatly exacerbate the medical condition, meaning that my levels probably have been high for a very long time, thus, again, raising my likelihood for breast cancer.

I am so thankful for all the prayers I’ve received. I can honestly feel them. This is one of the most scary and terrifying things I have ever gone through. Yes, I am scared that it may be breast cancer. Yes, my mind is going there. Yes, I’ve cried my eyes out all day yesterday and a little this morning. Why? Because there is a chance that I may have breast cancer. There also is a chance I may have a pituitary tumor. I am scared. Many of my friends and family are scared. I almost broke down when I saw my brother nearly cry last night as I gave him an update.

One of the only things that keeps me going is that I have God in my life. Some people have said that God would not give me cancer. Even if He does, I know that He will be there with me through all of this. I also am honored to have a boyfriend who wants to go with me to all my appointments. He is the most amazing man I know and I am incredibly lucky that he chose me to be his girlfriend. He is so strong and he helped me through so much. I honestly love him to the moon and back (1,500,000 times).

I am fortunate to have friends and family all over the world who have reached out to me. Yes, this time is scary, but when you have that much support, it is a lot easier to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” (Psalm 23). When you know that God will never abandon you, there is hope for a better day. There is hope that I can keep moving forward, no matter how terrifying and challenging circumstances can get.

Please feel free to share this because I need as many prayers I can get at this point.