Disproving

I just spent the last 5 hours or so hanging out with friends, laughing and enjoying life. While I was out with friends, I realized that I neglected to bring my pill case with my PRN medication. For those who do not know what a PRN medication is, it is a medication that one takes only at times that they need it with limits. I currently can take 2 low doses of Haldol per day as needed. My psychiatrist wants my symptoms under control, even though Haldol is an antipsychotic, which are known to aggravate my medical condition.

I realized (and confirmed later) when I was out with friends that I have not taken Haldol in the past 4 days. I did not even notice in the past few days that I did not need the medication. This did not happen because of some goal I was trying to achieve. It came naturally which makes it even more exciting to me.

To those of you who have not heard or read, two weeks ago, I disproved my paranoid theory that the FBI was sending me messages. I wrote down the code and it was gibberish. My life began to take a new path and quickly, I saw results in my actions and behaviors.

This inspired me to disprove ALL my paranoid thoughts and beliefs. A few days ago, I came up with questions and thoughts that went against or counteract each of my paranoid theories and beliefs. I typed and printed a copy a few days ago and folded it and put it in my pocket. Whenever my paranoia worsened, I either read the packet that pertained to that belief or I wrote more questions and thoughts.

I have a minor in Mathematics so I have learned a lot of logic and proofs. It has taken this long to use this “logical” part of my mind and apply it to my delusions and paranoia.

Throughout this journey over the past few days, I was honestly angry at myself for not writing these thoughts even earlier. Even though I deal with paranoia daily, I feel much more at peace. I strongly believe that by working very hard on my thoughts, I can learn to live free of paranoia. It may take months and I may have moments that I need to take the PRN but I am headed in the right direction.

Last year, at this time, I was on about 7 medications and a total of 14 pills a day, including multiple antipsychotics. Currently, I am only taking 2 medications and a total of 3 pills a day, none of which are antipsychotics (unless I need it).

Progress is a beautiful thing.