Just Keep Moving Forward

In the past two days, I received some difficult news but I am very hopeful. 

Yesterday, on the morning of my 24^th birthday, I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This was pretty rough to take in because it is one of the most severe mental illnesses. It is the combination of schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder.

I was released yesterday from my tenth hospitalization in the past seven years. Since I moved to Florida last August, I have had multiple health issues and complications, including a head concussion, dystonic reaction (spasms and stuttering), bouts of physical symptoms, and two psychotic breakdowns.

During my psychosis, I am completely disabled. I hear voices and see things that are not there. I do not want to talk to anyone because I believe they can read my mind. I completely lose touch with reality. My psychosis is very difficult for me to handle because it is terrifying. I believe everybody is out to kill me. A lot of my delusional thinking is based off of my post traumatic stress disorder. Put simply, I do not function.

Which brings me to the news of where I am going from here.

The news is that I probably am not getting a PhD. Well at least for now. I am going to try to get a Masters by next fall. I will not continue with any research so that I have time to heal.

This news is quite difficult to take in, but at the same time, it is extremely relieving to me. The only thing that is unclear at the moment is my financial situation, but I am believing and trusting God. At this time in my life, I really need to work on my healing process, especially with the onset of the schizoaffective disorder. Not having the pressures of research will allow me to take time to really take care of myself.

One of the things I really hope to do is make people more aware of mental illness. The stigmas are very challenging to overcome. If someone has a stroke or a heart attack, people are much more supportive usually of them than someone in and out of hospitals with a mental illness. I think most people do not understand that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as any physical illness. People treat it differently. But it's not that different. My brain literally goes haywire. The chemicals are messed up. I take medications, but my mental illness is something I deal with every single day.

I believe that many people with mental illness, with the correct medications and treatment, can live healthy and productive lives. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to deal with my mental illness for the rest of my life. It’s not something that can be cured. It’s something I just deal with and keep moving forward. I’ve had a lot of issues with my medications especially since my disorders seem to be resistant to medication. But I just keep pressing on.

Sometimes God changes the directions of our lives. Sometimes it looks bad. Sometimes it looks really good. But we have to keep trusting Him. I have a lot of faith that everything will work out. I know that God will lead me to where I need to go once I get my Masters. Sometimes what looks really scary or is full of unknowns is really a huge blessing from God. I don't know where God will lead me from here, but I will keep moving forward.