Meaning in the Darkness

“I realized that my sorrow gave me the opportunity to know him with a depth I had not experienced before, in a way I could not have known him without going through deep sorrow myself… It’s in our suffering that we can truly begin to identify with his. We can finally get a tiny taste of what he was willing to endure out of his love for us.”

-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

As I read this last night, it occurred to me that this was different than how I’ve looked at my sorrow and that of Jesus. I always looked at Jesus’s suffering as him coming down to earth to understand my suffering.

But as I read this, I was overwhelmed with a profound understanding that switched what I had thought.

As we go through difficulties, hardships, and struggles in this life, I do not believe that it is God punishing us. Rather, I believe that through those difficulties, we understand what Jesus went through in order to save us. In order to heal us. In order to restore us. It is in our suffering that we come to know Jesus in a much deeper way than we ever could without going through those tough times.

I grew up in extremely bad situations, having been abused, teased, and neglected for many years. But throughout those times, I kept hoping. Though I still face various difficulties today, such as the loss of my job a few weeks ago, I still have that hope. In fact, that hope has grown…

A few months ago, I was walking around campus on the phone. At the time, I was stuttering and I had uncontrollable arm spasms. With tears running down my face, I talked to my brother, telling him that the dystonic reaction was back. "Oh, no," I heard him say. I heard terror in his voice. There were other students walking around me, and some were laughing at me. I did not understand how they could laugh at me.

I wrote on my Facebook. "People are laughing at me, mocking me, doubting me, and making fun of me. I forgive them, because that's what we do to God and He forgives us."

It was through my physical illness that I gained a deeper insight into how Jesus felt when He was betrayed, mocked and murdered on our behalf.

I feel as though the more difficulties I go through and continue to endure, the closer I become to God and the less my dire circumstances get me down. When I lost my job, I was disappointed but only for a little bit. I became so excited for what God has planned for me.  I have a deep sense of hope that God will get me through everything in the future and that everything will fall into place.

Why?

Because God got me through tremendously awful, unspeakable stuff in the past and He will continue to get me through stuff in the present and the future. Our God is one who never leaves us and who goes with us wherever we go.

I have asked the questions, “Why is this happening, Lord? Haven’t I had enough?” But God answers when He helps me through the difficult times. He says that there is a greater purpose for my suffering. No matter what comes my way, no matter how difficult it seems, no matter how horrible it looks, He will help me, guide me, protect me, and go with me. His grace will shine through.

"Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?"

-Job 2:10 (KJV)

We no doubt will face difficulties in this life, but as Romans 8:28 says, God can use the difficulties in ways that we never could imagine. We need to accept those times that challenge us.

It is through those difficult circumstances that I have had to face throughout my life and to this day that I have learned to rely on His strength, His courage, and His tenacity to get through each day. 

It is in those difficulties that I have seen who God really is. He is not a distant God who allows bad things to happen in my life to punish me or to not care. He is a God who has led me to great places and has held me during the rough times when I have cried. He was there when I was abused, teased, neglected and homeless. He was there when I was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. He was there when I had no family to rely on. He has continually told me throughout my obstacles just how much He loves me.

He has used the obstacles in my life for a deeper purpose and He continues to.

If you do not believe me, please read this true story that I wrote which was published about how God helped me use my story to save someone from committing suicide.

He understands what each of us are going through, and through our obstacles, we understand what He did in order to die for us.

He loves each of us. He wants to restore us. He wants to renew us. He wants to refresh us.

And sometimes that means walking through difficult times… But never ever forget how much He loves you and that He will never leave you.