A Quenching Disappointment

Last October, I got on my knees and prayed that God would humble me. The next day, I suffered a mild head concussion and fought to recover in the hospital over the next 8 days. Ever since that time, I have faced a series of health issues. I struggled with uncontrollable arm spasms and stuttering at various points in the past few months. Going through all of that has been an incredibly humbling experience. People laughed at me, mocked me, doubted me, and ignored me. I had to continually rely on God for strength, comfort and courage.

My pride took a huge hit today, in a major way. I signed a paper that said I will not be reappointed for the PhD position next year and my employment has been terminated. I was unable to meet the requirements due to all of my hospitalizations and the continual obstacles I have faced.

While I am extremely disappointed about this, I am very excited about what God is going to do in my life and what He currently is doing in my life. To be completely honest, I have been questioning how much getting a PhD was my plan or God’s plan. I have been praying to Him to give me the answer to that question and He has answered.

When we face major disappointments in life, we have a choice to either let the disappoint cripple us or get back on our feet. We can either cave into the difficulties or let God use them to help us and mold us. Since I currently have no funds, I went to the Financial Aid office twice today to ask questions and make a plan for me to complete a Masters in Spring 2014. I have a plan to move forward in a very positive way.

I personally cringe when people say “Now you can go into the workforce and get a real job.” I always cringe to think that I will be stuck in a cubicle day after day on a computer, which is what I have been doing since last August. That is not my idea of a purposeful life. While it may be for some people, I feel like God is calling me to do something different.

People often settle for a job because it pays. But to me, money is not the deciding factor. I detest when I have told people I am a PhD student and they say "You're going to make a lot of money." I believe money should not be a factor. As long as I have enough to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I am very happy.

What should matter most in our lives is that we allow God to work in us and through us.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been fascinated with people like Mother Theresa and Princess Diana, who changed the world by simply loving others. In many ways, I have felt called into ministry, but not in the way that most people would think of ministry. I do not feel called to be a pastor. However, I have felt called to minister to people, especially those with disorders and disabilities, through my actions and words. I feel called to spread a message of hope, peace and love. It angers me to no end when everyone focuses on the negative in our world. It frustrates me when people spread a message of hate towards others.

I want to spread the message of the truth, which is that we are all children of God. In being His children, we are all called to love others and we all deserve to be loved, appreciated, and cared for.

Recently, I have had a dream of working for an organization like Engineers Without Borders or Wheels for Humanity. I have also felt called to write a book about my life story and what God has done in my life. I have always prayed for God about when I should write my book and I have decided that I am going to begin to write it in the next few weeks. 

I want to minister to people and help give others hope. Writing on this blog has made me realize that I really do have a message that helps many other people. I want meaning and purpose in my life. I want to change the world in some way for others. I want to spread the message that Jesus is the light in the midst of the darkness of our world.

Even in my discouragement and disappointment, I have an insane excitement for what God is calling me to do and where He will lead me. He is testing my trust in Him, but I cannot wait to see what will happen through me.

Sometimes the difficulties are enormous and it seems like our world is turned upside down, but if we look ahead, we see a bridge to God's greater plan for us. Out of the darkness and chaos, we see the light and the beauty of the road ahead... So we take the first step forward towards the bridge.

Sometimes following God means losing everything that we wanted- our plans. In losing my position as a doctoral student, I feel like the largest part of my plan for my life has been taken away. However, I know that God has something even greater planned.

I often go to my church to play the piano and lately I have been singing the hymn, “Here I Am, Lord.” I wanted to share the chorus, since the words have so much meaning and they have been my prayer for the past few months...

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord? 
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me. 
I will hold Your people in my heart.

 -Here I Am lyrics

As anybody who saw me at the beginning of this semester can attest, I was full of pride. I thought I owned the world. Thank God that He has led me through many humbling experiences. The person I was is not who I want to be. Sometimes God leads us into difficult times in order to mold us into who He wants us to be. He has led me through a semester of many humbling obstacles and I have a lot of faith that the humility He has instilled in me will help me in whatever circumstances He leads me into.

As an engineer, I took a course in which we learned about quenching metals. This process involves heating the metal to insanely hot temperatures and then rapidly cooling it. In doing so, it makes the metal very tough and modifies the structure of the metal to increase its usefulness.

I believe in some ways, the obstacles in our lives are like the quenching process. Sometimes God “heats” up our lives by allowing difficulties in our lives. Sometimes we suddenly are thrown into a huge disappointment, in which our plans are uncertain. But in doing so, God molds us to be more tough so that He can use us for His wonderful plans.

Disappointment is ephemeral. Discouragement is temporary. The problem comes when we get stuck in the negative feelings, to the point that we do not pick ourselves up after the battle.

It is in the difficult times when we need to follow God’s lead the most.

No matter where God leads me, I will follow Him…

Will you?