The Ultimate Lifesaver

“Faith is an integral part of the movement through fear, and faith is the leap we make into the unknown, even when we’re not so sure about the light.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

Some may ask how I could put my faith in something I cannot see. When attacks and disasters occur, I often am asked how I could trust a God that allows bad things happen to good people. How could I believe that something or someone truly cares about each one of us if they allow such horrible, awful things?

I have survived years of severe abuse, neglect, and homelessness. I lost my oldest brother and grandfather to suicide. I struggle every single day with schizoaffective disorder and relive my past traumatic experiences through flashbacks and nightmares due to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Trust me when I say that I have often questioned God, but He has proven over and over that He does care, even though He has allowed awful things to happen to me.

The only reason I am still living and why I am still fighting through each day is my faith and trust in God.

Having faith means putting our trust in God, even in the midst of great suffering. In those moments when our lives are shattered. In those moments of frustration and anger. In those moments when we do not know how or if we will move forward. In those moments when we do not know how we can piece together the million shattered pieces of our life.

Faith is not letting our circumstances ruin our lives. Faith is not allowing our fears and doubts destroy our lives. Faith is putting our hope and trust in God, even when He seems distant or that He's ignoring us. Faith is finding the light in the darkness.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen.”

-Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)

As I look back on my life, I am amazed at how God has guided me and strengthened me. It is so evident that He has been and still is intricately piecing my life together. He helps me every day to pick up the pieces and help me cope with my past. He was there when I was abused, neglected, and homeless. He is with me every time I have a flashback or nightmare. He helps me through my paranoia and psychotic episodes.

Being a scientist, engineer and mathematician, I often look for evidence to support a hypothesis or a claim I have made. In the same way, I constantly look for evidence of God in my life. His love and light are so evident in my life that anyone could tell me there is no God and I would not believe it.

When I was 6 years old, I was left home alone with the stove accidentally left on. I went all around the house, trying to figure out how to stop the fire or how to get outside the house, but I ended up having to call 911. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died in the housefire.

When I was 20 years old, I attempted suicide and the police told me that I was very close to dying. Not only that, but I very narrowly escaped a severe spinal cord injury due to numerous fractured vertebrae in my spine. It was really difficult to pick myself up after such a serious attempt, but I thank God every day that I am still alive.

Growing up, I watched everyone else in my family get involved with drugs and alcohol. I watched each of my family members be arrested for dealing drugs or abusing drugs or alcohol at various points during my childhood and teenage years. At the age of 24, I can say that I have never done drugs or drank alcohol. I also have never been arrested.

The most recent event in which I really saw God’s provision in my life was when I was at the lake a few months ago. I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, in which we had a very serious conversation. My anxiety was running very high, so I went to the lake to debrief and calm down. When I got to the lake, I saw a white bird and immediately, I felt the anxiety wash away. Over the next few weeks, I saw many white birds and when I did, my anxiety was always calmed. Eventually, though, my psychosis started. I followed a flock of white birds to the hospital. No joke. I followed them the entire way. When I finally got to the hospital, my body started to shut down. I became catatonic and did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. I still do not know how I got to the hospital, except that I followed those white birds. They literally saved my life. I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had not followed them when I did. Even the doctors were surprised about how I got to the hospital.

If you take anything away from this blog, I want you to know that we can put our faith in God because He will never leave us or forsake us. He was there with you in your mother’s womb and He will be with you at your last breath. We serve a God who never abandons us. No matter how distant he may seem, He is there for you. Always was and always will be.

Many of you know that I love music and that music helps me to cope with stuff. Well forgive me, but I am going to end this post with a Justin Bieber song (yeah, I know...). But the chorus of this song actually relates to how life can sometimes feel with God. Sometimes it may feel like we are drowning in the chaos and twists and turns of life, but God is our ultimate lifesaver.

I'm overboard and I need your love, pull me upI can't swim on my own, it's too muchFeels like I'm drowning without your loveSo through yourself out to me, my lifesaver-Justin Bieber, Overboard lyrics