How Free I Am...

I just had an Aha moment, as they call them, and it was too good not to be a blog post.

I was thinking about my latest psychotic episode. When I was psychotic, voices of people I had known from throughout my life were telling me awful things about who I am. They told me I lied and I never did anything good for anybody else. They made fun of me. They laughed at me. They threw nasty names at me. They told me I deserved to die or be killed. I literally wanted to say sorry to everyone that I thought was talking to me. I felt deeply ashamed and scared of who these voices said I was.

During my first psychotic episode, I believed that the doctors were killing the other patients (which they obviously weren’t). I went around the hospital unit trying to save everyone, telling the doctors and nurses that I wanted to die in their place. I wanted to be the one who died not them. But then I started to believe that my sins were too much. I believed I deserved to die because of my sins. I needed to be punished.

I came to realize that the One who died for us had already died in our place. Even though I have sinned, I realized that my sins were and are not too much for God to forgive. Jesus has already been punished.

In both psychotic episodes, as I started to take the medications, the intense fears started to fade. I was relieved to know and find out that I was not dying nor did I have to die nor was I being punished. Through my insane, irrational psychotic episodes, I gained a deeper understanding of what it meant for Jesus to die for my sins. Towards the end of my second psychotic episode, I heard one of the voices, which was not a voice of someone I had grown up with, say “It already was accomplished.” 

It was almost like they said clear as day, "You have nothing to worry about. It already has happened. Your Savior has already died in your place. You have nothing to fear."

It never occurred to me until just now what that meant. What it means for Jesus to already have accomplished victory over sin, death and evil. It already was accomplished. And now, I am free from my sins. Free from the shame. Free from the mistakes. Free from the regrets.

The shame and guilt I have carried my whole life are starting to heal... finally.

My doctor said that people rarely remember their psychotic episodes, but I remember full well how scary it was. I was absolutely terrified of everyone in the hospital and they even talked about it once my psychosis stopped. But I believe that my memory of the episodes is a blessing, since I remember the incredible relief when I realized that everything was forgiven and that I had nothing to fear.  All the shame and all the guilt is no more. 

The shame does not have to overwhelm my life anymore. The memories of my traumatic experiences don’t have to control my life anymore. And that’s what the memories remind me. 

Not of how frightened I was, but of how free I am.