I had to write a lengthy paper for a class all day
today, and in between writing, I thought about the fact that I was hospitalized
four times this semester and recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder,
a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have missed over a month
of classes, yet I still am in the semester, going strong. I thought it would be
impossible to finish this semester without taking a medical leave, but I proved
myself and many others wrong. Nothing has stopped me so far from achieving my
goals, so why would I let four hospitalizations stop me from completing this semester?
Granted, I know that many people would have taken
the time off and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with taking a medical
leave. I took a 10 month medical leave during college. But there is a principle behind what I am
trying to get at.
In life, we are going to face obstacles and
numerous difficult circumstances and we have a choice.
Are we going to let the circumstances stop us from
achieving our goals and dreams or are we going to take control of our life with
God’s help and make our dreams come true?
For some people, taking time off and reflecting on
their lives and the circumstances they are in help them to recover. I do not
think there is anything wrong with that. I often take time to reflect on everything I am going through.
However, I think that the problem
occurs when we get stuck in an endless pit of circumstances and we forget that
God is ultimately in control and that through Him, we can recover from any situation
or difficult circumstance that comes our way.
As I shared in my life story, I was severely abused
as a child. As I grew older, I started to date boys and it was very difficult for me.
Some of them were very controlling. Because I had grown up in an abusive
household, I learned to notice the signs right away, so I got out of those
relationships very quickly. I was thinking about these different relationships
I have been in and I realized that I made a positive choice to protect myself. It was not easy by any means. But I took
the control back that was lost when I was a child and it was incredibly empowering. I believe that no matter
what interactions we have with others, we can either let others destroy us or
build us up. We have God's strength inside of us through the Holy Spirit to help us and guide us through the difficult times.
Someone once told me something that I often think
about. This person said to me, “Everyone has difficult things in their lives
that they cannot control, but what’s important is how they react to these
situations.”
We have an important choice to make about whether or not we let the "crap" of life rule our lives. Someone once said to me "You have been dealt some very difficult cards in your life, and you have a decision about how you are going to play your cards."
I could have let growing up in a household with a
lot of drugs and abuse ruin my life, but I chose not to. The moment in which I
remember making the critical promise to myself that I would never drink or do
drugs was when I watched my last family member get arrested at 3:16 in the
morning when I was 16. I was all alone the rest of the night and I cried myself to sleep, but
I made that promise to myself and I have stuck to it.
I could have let my suicide attempt in 2009 stop
me from graduating college and being successful, but I didn’t. I could have let
the depression stop me from enjoying life, but I haven’t. I ended up graduating
at the top of my class in the honors program.
Before you, it may seem like you have a huge
mountain to climb, but those mountains have a beautiful view of the landscape.
Only when you climb the mountains can you see the wonders of this beautiful
world.
In the same way, going through the difficulties
and succeeding in the end provides an opportunity to see your life in a
different light. While I have gone through such great difficulties, I am always
in awe when I step back and see all that God has done in my life. I am in awe
of the grace and mercy He has shown towards me.
One of the best things I do when I face new
difficulties is that I look back on all my obstacles and see how I have always
beat the odds. When I doubt that God will help me through, that doubt
dissipates as soon as I focus on how God has provided for me and strengthened
me in ways that I never could have imagined.
People often ask how I have gone through so many difficulties
and still be so focused on God. How could I be so close to Him? How could I love a God who allowed me to go
through everything I have been through?
My answer to that is that I have no other choice
than to be thankful to God and to have a strong faith and belief in Him. To me, there is no other choice than to be close to God. There
have been too many times in my life in which I beat the odds to say that there
is not a God. It was not me that saved myself from the fire as a child. It was
God who guided me and helped me to call 911 when I needed to. It was God who
strengthened me and spoke to me as a child being abused. It was God who strengthened
me after my suicide attempt, telling me that it’s okay and that He forgives me
and loves me. It was God who has been with me through ten hospitalizations and
has strengthened me throughout living with mental illness. It is God who will continually guide me and help me through whatever storms are on their way, whatever mountains there are ahead of me which I have to climb.
You see, I do not believe that God wants our lives
to be ruled by our circumstances. I believe that God gives us the strength we
need to go through them. He holds our hand as we walk through
the valleys and when we climb the mountains. He is there every step of the way
in our lives, no matter what comes.
I want to leave with a song called Unstoppable by
Kerrie Roberts. This song came on a Pandora playlist I was listening to and it
is currently on replay a lot. The chorus says:
Anything is possible, possible
You
gotta believe and see
That
love is unstoppable
You
can never go too far
Never
be too gone
That
you can't turn it around
-Kerrie Roberts, Unstoppable Lyrics
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